Follow
Share

My mother has dementia and it's only the beginning...I am her daughter and live with her. She has threatened and has called police on me before. I have had to bring up sensitive issues with her recently...driving on revoked license. She has come home and oviously hit someone or ? Lies to her Dr. about meds she's supposed to take and doesn't. She doesn't keep appts with Dr. Lies and says she has no way to get there. She has become an "ER abuser." She does not have anyone but me to help her. Her medical problems are extensive. I have nowhere to go and spent last 3 days in my car due to her false accusations. HELP!

From your profile, it sounds as though your mother has struggled with mental illness all of her life. Add dementia to that and you've got a really toxic mix.

I really don't understand why you would move in with someone you've never gotten along with, but that's water under the bridge. You are placing yourself in danger by trying to "help" your mother if there is an order of protection against.

I would take the Order of Protection as official permission to leave and get your life back on track.

Your mother, sadly, will only get help when you step away. Do that for HER sake if not for your own.
Helpful Answer (29)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

Sounds like it is high time for you to concentrate on yourself. You need shelter, an income, a life independent, from your mother. Speak to social services about what they can do for you. Right now you are a homeless person. You need to build up your own resources. Re your mum, explain the situation to APS so they are aware of your mother's problems. Contact her doctor and inform her/.him of your concerns including her driving with a revoked licence, then turn your energies to help yourself.
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to golden23
Report

I would shake the dust of that situation off myself and let her deal with the consequences of her actions.

You can't help anyone that doesn't want it, but you can end up in jail if you don't stop trying.

You need to say goodbye to her and get away before she gets you in serious trouble. Obviously the courts think that you are in the wrong, they don't lightly issue orders of protection. She has shown you what she thinks of you, believe her and move on.
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report

Don't you need to go to court for an EPO? If so, then Mom must have her faculties to be able to do that.

I agree with Barb, your legal obligation to her is null and void. Go on with your life. I may call adult protection services to get her on their radar. Explain that the charges are bogus. That you have been the only one who has done anything for her. But for now with the EPO thats not possible, but you still worry about her. You expect mental illness at this point maybe with Dementia mixed in. Is there any way they can do "well checks" periodically? Tell them you are willing to help but living with her or with you is now off the table.

What will probably happen eventually, is during a "well visit" it will be found she can no longer be on her own. If no one steps up to the plate, the State will take control. For you, I would allow that to happen. The State will be able to place her in a facility quicker and get her Medicaid quicker. She is doing this to herself by alienating everyone.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

I don’t know the details of your State’s EPOs, but here the courts are likely to order our version of the order immediately as a first step, even without seeing the applicant in person. There would be hell to pay if the allegations were all true and the applicant was murdered or seriously harmed, so they jump first! After that, the order can be taken back to court to be appealed or checked in more detail. If you have been evicted wrongfully, there are a lot of legal issues as well as the allegations, and you shouldn’t just accept the order.

I think that you need help from a professional working within your state’s system. A social worker ought to be able to deal with it, but if necessary go to the police and ask for advice – and ask them where you can go for help, if the police don’t seem the right place. If you have a free community legal service, that could be even better. You really need help, immediately. A car is not a good address!
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report
Isthisrealyreal Jun 27, 2020
MM, here you have to prove cause. Being named on a EPO can cost you your job, security clearance and many other things, so they don't jump first. It is not as easy as making an accusation, you have to have some proof that you are in danger. Otherwise there is no due process. You can ask for a court date to get the order revoked if it was done in error.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
I agree that you cannot remain dependent on your mother any more. You will have to access help the best you can and concentrate on yourself now. If you are able to drive now there are many delivery jobs available; agree with Cali that you should access social services for the homeless in your area. The answer can be difficult and there is no easy answer, but you can see where dependence on an abusive mother has got you. She is on her own; so are you. I am so sorry. It is very tough times. Try a woman's shelter first; they at least can steer you in the right directions.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Shelters are taking people in this state, it’s not a terrible time to be homeless in CA. The state is putting the homeless up in hotels.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to worriedinCali
Report

This is an awful time to be homeless.  Not certain if shelters are taking people.  Do you have a job?  Unemployment?
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to FloridaDD
Report

You should call 911 & say she’s a danger to you & herself. They can take her to psych hospital & they keep her there till meds adjusted. When you call the 911 be close to her house & when they arrive, meet them & explain you live with her but she needs 24/7 care. She has dementia but needs to be declared mentally incompetent by dr . You have right to live there since you have been living there all along taking care of her. Let us know how it goes. When you get her stabilized, then see Elder law Atty. You have rights. You don’t have to be homeless.
Hugs 🤗
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to CaregiverL
Report
AT1234 Jun 27, 2020
No, with a EPO in place there are zero options to contact people now. Credibility would be an issue, I echo the move on advice given here. The time to alert agencies is past.
(6)
Report
Even though you have been removed from the role you might benefit from Caregiver Support. Check with your local AAA or ASAP to see if they offer it.  Also see if they have an Elder Mental Health Outreach Team (EMHOT) and refer your mother.  I agree that a call to Elder Protective Services is in order letting them know she is unsafe at home alone.  Because of the Protective Order you can no longer have direct contact with her.  If she has a hospital admission and they contact you make sure you relay that because of her placing the PO you cannot care for her and that she is an unsafe discharge.  I'm hoping you are able to get back on your feet and move on.  You have done what you could and she has told you that you are no longer needed or welcome.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to EllensOnly
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter