How to I deal with a change in character with my 94 year old Dad?

For 35 years I never questioned that my husband loved me but when the Dementia started, that changed. He started telling the neighbors terrible things about me. They all knew better. This was just the beginning. As some others had said he started cutting things up. His mothers Bible, pictures of when he was in the army, pictures of our life together. Important mail. All of this was because of the Dementia. Before things got really bad, while working with a counselor he wrote that he loved me. It was the last thing or time I would ever hear that again. Hold that in your heart and know deep down they do care. Now that he is gone, I will read this again and it will bring a tear to my eye.

Daisy2766
Like most of the replies I have no definite answers.Will share my experience as it may help you.
My Father is 93 and now in care facility.
Going back to approximately 5 years ago when he still lived at home alone.
The changes to start with very subtle. Bad behaviour and making up stories. I believed the stories to start with. I spoke to nurse and doctor about concerns with demanding behaviour but was told to not let him manipulate me.
He was making crazy decisions , not eating, washing, changing clothes. Awkward and cheeky to Carers .
care facility said no dementia and also he was being manipulative.
He had a stroke 1 year ago. At last followiing scan got diagnosis of vascular dementia. Where the brain damage is connected to behaviour also no compassion, sympathy or empathy.
I just go in now expecting anything. Can be calm, angry, hating staff. hating other residents. If he starts on me I leave. Takes a lot of practice to cope with this . I’ve found when very bad tempered usually he is unwell a few days later.
Hope this helps

Need: Quite sad. It brings familiarity.

IMHO, he should be seen by a neurologist, who can prescribe an M.R.I. to rule out Alzheimer's.

Previous answer was excellent. It may be Alzheimer's if other tests are negative. He needs an evaluation by a physician who may recommend a neurologist. Once you have a diagnosis then proceed from there. You might try to locate a support group and/or find comfort and validation from a therapist or counselor for yourself. This is a painful experience and it is not your fault.

I see that you already had a test for UTI - was that a dip stick test or a culture? Sometimes they find more with a culture - easy test for you and dad. There are other conditions that can mimic dementia symptoms, so if he hasn't had a full check up recently, including all blood work, it might be a good idea to schedule one. Find a way to express your concerns about your dad's recent change in demeanor with the doctor before the appointment and ask they keep that confidential (the last thing you want is to have the doctor "spill the beans" and then dad gets upset about that too!)

It is possible he is exhibiting early dementia, but you can only really know for sure if your rule out other conditions and it progresses with him showing other signs. Check for the symptoms/stages, but understand these are just a guide - not everyone has all symptoms, some may have other symptoms and every person progresses at their own rate, not necessarily by the stages listed.

As for how to deal with it, in the meantime - see if you can provide copies of what he is asking for (not the originals.) While you know it is best to let this roll off your back, it is hard until you get more used to it. Deep breath, excuse yourself and walk away for a bit to compose yourself if you need to (bathroom break is an easy one!), find ways to distract him and/or redirect his focus onto something else, something he enjoys/likes.

All of these take time and effort to work on, and you'll likely have times when none of it works. You're only human, as we all are! If you are living together, do find ways to get a break from caring, whether it be family, friend or hired help.

Has he been ill lately? Is it possible that he has a uti or something else? When was the last time he saw his physician? Have you spoken to them regarding his change in behavior? Maybe he needs a cognitive evaluation. Any chance he is depressed? Sometimes depression is exhibiited as irritability or anger.

Sometimes part of growing older or if applicable ,dementia, is the person feeling very unsure and distrustful of those around them. It's common for them to exhibit anger and to make statements like : " I can't find my glasses , who moved them?" Or " someone stole my money , it's not where I put it !! "
Sometimes they're just insulted at another person's involvement in their personal life as they've been autonomous for so long .
Just involve him as much as you can and make copies of things you might need like birth certificates or deeds . I did this with my grandmother's bank book and certificates as she lost them time and again .
Keep the originals safe and place the copies where he can find them, show him at least . He may lose them but at least you'll still have the originals.
Your dad , if he has dementia , is fading . I'm sorry but this is how it is and there's no stopping it . You'll see and hear some things that will make you feel awful and sad but you must prepare yourself. Patience is key .
His mind could be betraying him in many ways and this will obviously change the way he relates to the world and you.
If you can , take him to a doctor so you can figure out what's going on with him and what can be done.
Hopefully it isn't dementia and he's just being a very cross old man.
I hope so . Best of luck .

When my father requested I show him the statements - I did. And I carefully wrote down where the monies were spent right on the statement. And I attached all receipts to each monthly statement.

After several months, he no longer showed any interest in looking at the statements from his accounts.

Dementia has caused him to "forget" that he gave you control of those areas. I'd probably have something basic that he can look at when he asks. Ask if there is a particular area he has concern about.... and try to let him know how you're handling it. If it is too upsetting for him, try to get him distracted to another subject.

My dad is 93 and has dementia and he acts this way. Most days, I don't know which end of the spectrum I'm going to get. He needs to see the doctor. I learned a long time ago not to take this personally. It's the dementia talking.

He is not angry with you. It is so hard when it is your parent and they change but there are medicines out there that help. Take him to his MD and explain the situation. If you don't want to talk about it in front of him, write everything down and have the nurse give it to the Doctor before he comes in to the room. We did this for my father in law and the Doctor really appreciated it.
The meds really help.
Good luck

As others have said, he needs a full medical work up. Being angry, grumpy, etc. Is common with kidney disease as well as dementia and depression. Good luck, I am dealing with the same thing with my 95 year old dad with stage 4 kidney disease.

At this age everyone has personality changes and idiosyncrasies. Unless they are very major, it’s best to just adjust your responses and actions rather than consulting a plethora of physicians. A test for a UTI is simple, but beyond that it’s best to accept them and move on. There might be a diagnosis but there won’t be a cure. Medications may be prescribed but the side effects for someone this age may be worse than the actual diagnosis.

Consult with his doctor. Is he getting dementia? People with dementia can go through personality changes. It's difficult, but don't take it personally. My mother, when her dementia was still mild, got anxiety and irrational thoughts that she was running out of money. She packed her suitcases one time thinking she had to move to a less expensive place. I began to reassure her often and in a simple way that she has enough money to last for her whole life, and that she didn't have to worry.

If your father hasn't seen his doctor recently, it's probably time for a general check up. Routine tests could reveal if there's any physical cause for his abrupt change in mood and possibly his mental function; and if an obvious culprit turns up it might be easily treatable. Is this something you could persuade him to agree to, do you think?

Caregiving is hard. You can’t do it alone. Call his doctor and ask for their advice on the matter.

Thank U!
ruled out UTI also: have seen this with other elders UIT very serious...
however I feel same ....starting of dementia.

A change in mental status is a medical event.

Call his doctor NOW and get advice.

I would have him checked for a UTI. Its very serious in men. I would also have him checked for a stroke. Does he have Dementia, if so it could be a decline. Maybe Dad should no longer be on his own. My nurses called a sudden change an "episode". It can happen overnight.

Sounds like advancing dementia to me, as many others have spoken of this kind of issue. I hope you can let it roll off your back and not be hurt by his behavior.

My dad's character and personality are vastly different than the dad I used to know. And it continues to change. He’s some odd mix of sweet, annoying, rude, kind, impatient, bullying, and a pest to strangers. He can be really considerate and kind to me, and then say really rude and hurtful things. His doctors have told us he doesn’t have dementia, but we quietly wonder if we’re looking at the start of it. You may be also.
I don’t have any answers for this other than maybe a visit with his doctor with you letting the doc know ahead of the appt what your concerns are. I’ve done that, more than once, and after testing have been told my dad has a sound mind, but also has a loss of filters that is common with his age. I’ve learned to monitor the behavior and not let it get to me, at least most of the time

I don't know if this is a common symptom in men, but with my MIL when she starts behaving this way, it often means that she has developed a Urinary Tract Infection. Any chance that could be the problem here?

Good news is, that if this is the problem, he may straighten back up once the antibiotics kick in . . . .Then you get your "regular" dad back.