Does anyone feel angry at times about caregiving and that it ages you?

Tanya - I gather from what you wrote here and in your profile that your mother is 84 y.o. with dementia. She's needy and totally dependent on you to take care of her. You have all the responsibilities, yet no power because your 84 y,o. dementia mother is running the show. You do everything she wants at the expense of your physical health, your mental health and your financial security.

YOU MUST STOP going down this path. Your mother is slowly killing you while she's alive. After she dies, she will still continue killing you from the grave, because after she's gone, you will be lost, no job, no money, and not knowing what to do with yourself and your future. The longer you are out of the work force, the harder it will be to find a job.

I’m gonna be blunt...

If you continue to let your mother run the show - a’la “she’s not agreeable” and live to fulfill a promise you are ill equipped- thru no fault of your own - to keep, you’re going to wind up in the grave before your mother will.

Time for you to take a step back and make some realistic assessments of what you can do - without sacrificing your own health. Both mental and physical.

5 years ago I was in the same situation as you as far as my relationship with my mother. The AgingCare site someone said something that changed my life. She said, "Someone is going to be in charge; it can be you or it will be her." It obvioiusly won't work for her to be in charge so you have to muscle in, stand up to her and address her by enforcing your rules. It is hard at first, but you will be amazed at how it will change your relationship. I now love dealing with my mom and her me.

Haven't been on in quite a while, saw your question and it made me remember alot. My mother passed November 2016, hard to believe but I am just getting over all of it. I remember all those feelings you describe, please take it from me, we all feel guilty, and powerless and angry. We don't sleep well, we eat comfort foods, maybe we drink too much or whatever to release stress and pressure. We wish we were anywhere but where we are. For me it was a journey of my soul, I grew up, and faced some harsh truths. What I can say is find something to enjoy love a pet, I had no people to help me being in another country, but find nature, something to love and get affirmed by. Do not waste. An ounce of your precious energy on guilt it is what it is and take care of yourself first, oxygen mask on you first. You will not burn out and age if you remember this is a process and it will unfold in its own way don't get ensnared by it, much love

Breaks are great. And needed. BUT I am finding that no matter how many breaks I have, I still don't have much patience. I have good intentions to be nicer and more caring and more patient and kinder but it so rarely happens anymore. I feel like a real jerk. I want to spend as little time together as possible. Our relationship is fried.

Oh boy, very familiar! I was you. Learn from my mistakes. Let go. Stop trying to do it all. I cared for my mom for decades, including her living in my home for 15 years.

I am the only daughter. I was expected to do it all. This was hard as I am married and was raising my own children. Even after my children left home it was still very hard. It is too much for one person to do everything without conflict. It’s simply exhausting!

Too much togetherness causes an issue. They still view us as their child who should obey them. They are often set in their ways and aren’t willing to make adjustments. They become more and more dependent on us.

You’re not alone. All caregivers experience these things. I’m sorry things are difficult for you. I understand how it is. Been there, done that.

My relationship became complicated with my mom. She is no longer in my home.

I wish you well. Vent anytime.

Sending a bazillion hugs your way!

Reread your post. Praying for you Lolaloud. Nourish your soul Sweetheart. A mini vacation, a relaxing dinner, a new man (or even an old one) are all wonderful things but only temporary fixes. Feeding your soul is the best way to really step out of that angry tail spin we get in.
You tube has tens of thousands of sermons, self help videos, all of our happy songs are on there, books, movies etc. all for free- make a pair of ear buds one of your favorite things.
Psychologically I think it even helps us In blocking out the bad and feeding ourselves only the good. Streamlined right in to our ears and mind.

Tanya, You are stuck and that's what's causing your distress. Rocketjcat gave you exact and perfect advice. Get POA, either look for a job or set up paper work for your mom to pay you for her car. Rather than looking at the current situation with all that you have to do, and therefore can't get the things suggested done, get someone to take care of mom for a week and get those things done. Someone suggested adult day care. In most communities there are free or very inexpensive places you can take someone in need of care for the day. You might find it through a hospital. And if your sisters won't help, hire someone. Let your mom say whatever she will about it. Put your foot down. That your mom helped you through difficult times does not mean you should allow her to ruin you now. Just beginning to move on getting things in order will lift your spirits greatly.

Tanya, I know exactly how you feel..I have a 101 year old dad who believe it or not lives alone (but we live in the same apartment building)..He also refused for any outside help and insisted on going out with his walker..When i tell him he needed help that i can't do it all day, he said he doesn't need me or any help...yet he calls me 15 times a day for this or that. I am always running down to do something for him...Yes I feel guilty too for feeling resentment . I am recently retired and wanted to travel with my husband instead i am caring for my dad. My stomach is shot too..always in knots..Well i finally convince him to get a cleaning lady once a week (really she was an aide) but once he got used to her cleaning i Incorporated her coming 3 days a week and now 5 days a week..Yes it is costly but it is saving my sanity. Its only 4 hours a day but its something of a break. I also just got him internet and i am setting up cameras so i can see him when i am not home...He cannot hear well so if i call and he don't answer I panic..at least with the cameras I can see if he is just sitting there or god for bid fallen.. Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have my dad for 101 years but i find it both a blessing and a curse...and then i feel guilty for thinking that...I find this site helpful at least we can vent and know we are not alone...I just became a grandmother for the first time and would love to spend more time with my granddaughter but no can do...and i resent that too...you are not alone in feeling the way you do....good luck and take care of yourself first!

Well - yes to your initial question about feeling angry and also aging fast. Probably one of the best things I've done - and this is recent and will most likely need a redo over time - is given up the guilt about anything and everything I need to do to get a break. My brother died in 2016 leaving me as the only child here to do this thing with both of my parents - Mom has Parkinson's, Dad has Alzheimer's. I ended up placing Dad for two reasons - first it was unsafe to keep him home and second - he was easily contented in the nursing home. If I placed Mom - she would definitely come back to haunt me - assuming she goes first - so she moved in with me. Anyway - since reading on several of these forums I'm starting to think (as much as I miss my brother) - sometimes being an only isn't as bad as I thought due to sibling conflict over care. I worked in hospice for a while and it seems more prevalent than not in families. My work stresses me out - yet has been a gift from God and helps sooth my soul. Work IS taking a break for me. If there is any way you can do it and pay someone to do the care for a bit to relieve you - even if you have to knock Mom over the head and/or drug her - I would do it! Of course, finding a job around likable people helps. I'd probably tell her that her choice is nursing home or in-home help - at least a bit - and stick to it. Seriously - a couple of weeks in a nursing home may soften her stance. Of course if she still has her wits about her - you cannot place her against her will. If she doesn't have her wits - it will take the proper legal steps. Also, a lot of people don't realize that Adult Protective Services (in most places) can be a huge help and you can make a APS report on an elderly person who cannot take care of themself when alone - and seems she will be alone if you find something you need to do to save your sanity. They are generally able to help bypass waiting lists for aging services such as companion care and help with resources. Sometimes - it helps to have a social worker come in and be the "bad guy" who lets Mom know that she will have to get some services in place if she wants to stay at home. That said - it did not work for me - Lol. (I can laugh now - back then it wasn't at all funny.) I reported when my parents lived alone out of state. I have however seen it work for several families in my area. This is definitely a rocky journey - my Mom is now on hospice care and I now can truly say that finally - she is less stressful than my teenager. Try to rack up as many coping mechanisms as you can that are positive and beneficial - and minimize the ones that are harmful. Easier said than done - but worth the ongoing effort.