We (my sister and I) recently moved my almost 94 year old father to a 6 bed residence. Prior to that he was living in his home with recently increased caregivers. I was managing his life from 450 miles away. That was getting more difficult. He was hospitalized twice in a week. We had been trying to get him to move closer to us for years, but he refused. During his last hospitalization we decided to move him to a 6 bed residence where our mom had been living (with dementia) for the past 8 years (which is closer to us). The residence is wonderful. They have taken such good care of our mom and we trust them completely. My dad has been there to visit my mom.
My dad agreed to go (shockingly). The first 2 weeks were good. We were all surprised at how well he was doing there. Then I think once he started to feel better he started getting agitated. When he was at home he did have a shorter fuse for agitation and was getting a little paranoid about certain things.
One of the owners of the residence is also a caregiver. My dad has decided the owner is not a good person and thinks he is out to get him. (We do think my dad has early dementia). If we try to say anything different to him, he says we are against him. He wants to leave. He can't go home. Right now we can't do anything because of the Corona virus. We can't even to see him.
He calls me to complain about all the things the owner does. Honestly, I don't believe any of it because we know them. I think my dad is very angry and doesn't want to live anywhere where people are making his decisions for him. Historically my dad has been "large and in charge" of our family and himself. He is very stubborn and not flexible. My fear is that we will move him, he will be fine for a few weeks and then it will be the same thing- something or someone is not right and he wants to leave.
My stress right now is worrying about that and especially all the phone calls.
He will call me sometimes several times a day to complain about how unhappy he is, etc. My blood pressure is going up- literally.
I need to set some boundaries without making him feel alienated. Really I want to emotionally disconnect but don't know how. I do feel bad that he is unhappy, but I have hit my wall with him. Frankly I am tired of accommodating him. I am sorry this is so long, but I am at a crossroads of sorts and would appreciate some feedback. Thank you.
The day I realized that there was only "the least bad choice" and that there was no "fixing" what was wrong with my mom was the day I got some of my sanity back (I'm still looking for the rest of it).
((((((Hugs))))))) and know that we will all get through this.
Can you call him once a day and say "sorry dad, we are going to have to re-evaluate once we're out of lockdown. There is nothing we can do right now."
He needs a mental health evaluation once this crisis is over. Meds for agitation may be indicated. Is it possible for his doctor to see him via Telemed right now?
Last weekend we had a discussion. I told him how all this was affecting me physically and mentally etc. it was kind of like a wake up call for him. Since then he has mellowed out a bit and isn't calling me all the time and he is sleeping/naping more, which is good. that is what he did at home. He was so amped up there that he was not sleeping much. We'll see how long it lasts.
I am also got some help from my counselor about how to go about dealing with him when is is going on and on about an issue.
I really appreciate everyone's feedback. It is very helpful.
Once my dad moved into LTC, he became so angry at me saying it was all my fault he was there. I finally removed myself from him for 2 months so I could regain sanity. It did him nor I any good to be together as it just riled him up. If he called, I would let it go to voicemail. I decided I was not there to listen to him complain ad nauseam. These are some of the boundaries I set. We were able to get his anxiety ramped down with certain medications that his doctor prescribed. He was already on a antidepressant. Discuss meds for anxiety with his doctor and do some of the other things mentioned here.
I also hated that my dad wasn't happy, but it was beyond my control and I am not responsible for making him happy. Once I accepted that it wasn't my duty then I could let it go and just go on with knowing he was the one who was in charge of that. But dementia is a sneaky thing and when they were already a controlling personality it only exacerbates it.
The doctor did prescribe Seroquel for agitation. He would not take it him self so they had to put it in his food. He knew he was getting something and he looked and sounded really drugged. He just kept saying "you're drugging me". So he went off that. Now the doctor prescribed depakote as needed for agitation. If my dad starts to get "sideways" at the care facility, they can give it to him. We are trying not to do that until we have to because he is aware enough to know if he feels "drugged". Part of me just wants them to give it to them, but my sister wants to wait to try and let my dad develop some trust with them.
Thank you so much for your feedback.
Has anyone sugeested trying an antidepressant?
I'll just add that often people with dementia can be exactly where they want to be and doing just what they say they want and the entire time, complaining that they want to be there and doing what they are doing. It doesn't really add up, but, it's how dementia works. So, no matter what you do, it's not likely to make him change his behavior. For me, lowering my expectations helped. Also, medication was a great help. Cymbalta worked wonders for my LO and the crying, worrying, pacing, stopped. Hopefully, they will find a med that really helps him.
One thing that I would do is ensure that he can't just leave on his own accord. Is this a secure facility? Has the facility addressed how they handle those situations, if it isn't?