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We (my sister and I) recently moved my almost 94 year old father to a 6 bed residence. Prior to that he was living in his home with recently increased caregivers. I was managing his life from 450 miles away. That was getting more difficult. He was hospitalized twice in a week. We had been trying to get him to move closer to us for years, but he refused. During his last hospitalization we decided to move him to a 6 bed residence where our mom had been living (with dementia) for the past 8 years (which is closer to us). The residence is wonderful. They have taken such good care of our mom and we trust them completely. My dad has been there to visit my mom.


My dad agreed to go (shockingly). The first 2 weeks were good. We were all surprised at how well he was doing there. Then I think once he started to feel better he started getting agitated. When he was at home he did have a shorter fuse for agitation and was getting a little paranoid about certain things.


One of the owners of the residence is also a caregiver. My dad has decided the owner is not a good person and thinks he is out to get him. (We do think my dad has early dementia). If we try to say anything different to him, he says we are against him. He wants to leave. He can't go home. Right now we can't do anything because of the Corona virus. We can't even to see him.


He calls me to complain about all the things the owner does. Honestly, I don't believe any of it because we know them. I think my dad is very angry and doesn't want to live anywhere where people are making his decisions for him. Historically my dad has been "large and in charge" of our family and himself. He is very stubborn and not flexible. My fear is that we will move him, he will be fine for a few weeks and then it will be the same thing- something or someone is not right and he wants to leave.


My stress right now is worrying about that and especially all the phone calls.


He will call me sometimes several times a day to complain about how unhappy he is, etc. My blood pressure is going up- literally.


I need to set some boundaries without making him feel alienated. Really I want to emotionally disconnect but don't know how. I do feel bad that he is unhappy, but I have hit my wall with him. Frankly I am tired of accommodating him. I am sorry this is so long, but I am at a crossroads of sorts and would appreciate some feedback. Thank you.

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I think part of this is also your own feelings (which most of us have) that we can "fix" things and that there is a "right" answer to these sorts of problems.

The day I realized that there was only "the least bad choice" and that there was no "fixing" what was wrong with my mom was the day I got some of my sanity back (I'm still looking for the rest of it).

((((((Hugs))))))) and know that we will all get through this.
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Stacence Apr 2020
Thank you!
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How about letting the calls go to voicemail?

Can you call him once a day and say "sorry dad, we are going to have to re-evaluate once we're out of lockdown. There is nothing we can do right now."

He needs a mental health evaluation once this crisis is over. Meds for agitation may be indicated. Is it possible for his doctor to see him via Telemed right now?
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Stacence Apr 2020
His doctor came to see him recently. My dad won't knowingly take any pill unless he knows what it is for and he would not take an antidepressant.
Last weekend we had a discussion. I told him how all this was affecting me physically and mentally etc. it was kind of like a wake up call for him. Since then he has mellowed out a bit and isn't calling me all the time and he is sleeping/naping more, which is good. that is what he did at home. He was so amped up there that he was not sleeping much. We'll see how long it lasts.
I am also got some help from my counselor about how to go about dealing with him when is is going on and on about an issue.
I really appreciate everyone's feedback. It is very helpful.
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You are correct that if you move him to a different facility, he will still not be happy. He wants what he wants; which is to be 70 instead of 93 and be in charge of his life. It is always very sad but as BarbBrooklyn says, there is only the "least bad choice". He is closer to you and that will make it easier when you can see him. He is safe, and cared for, regardless if he likes it or not. maybe have them try an anti-depressant; like Lexapro or something more mild for anxiety. But he is just going to have to adjust and you cannot do it for him. When you are on the phone, don't make promises to him that you cannot keep like tell him it is just for a while. He cannot live alone and if that makes him unhappy, so be it.
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Stacence Apr 2020
Thank you! It's a process for all of us. He does know he is not going home.
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Your dad could be my dad. My dad was the same way after he moved into assisted living, when he was in rehab and especially once he moved to LTC. It got worse as his dementia got worse. The paranoia and not trusting people is part of it and you have to realize it is part of the disease. I learned early on denying his accusations and trying to reason with him, only made it worse. I would listen to it and then try to change the subject. Also...saying things like, "I'll check into that for you dad" would calm things down. Knowing full well I wasn't going to do anything. This is called a therapeutic fib. I found after he had been in AL for 3-6 months he calmed down. You are lucky you have an excuse to stay away.
Once my dad moved into LTC, he became so angry at me saying it was all my fault he was there. I finally removed myself from him for 2 months so I could regain sanity. It did him nor I any good to be together as it just riled him up. If he called, I would let it go to voicemail. I decided I was not there to listen to him complain ad nauseam. These are some of the boundaries I set. We were able to get his anxiety ramped down with certain medications that his doctor prescribed. He was already on a antidepressant. Discuss meds for anxiety with his doctor and do some of the other things mentioned here.
I also hated that my dad wasn't happy, but it was beyond my control and I am not responsible for making him happy. Once I accepted that it wasn't my duty then I could let it go and just go on with knowing he was the one who was in charge of that. But dementia is a sneaky thing and when they were already a controlling personality it only exacerbates it.
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I did start letting calls go to voice mail. He does know that we can't do anything right now, but he keeps asking and I have to keep reminding him because of his memory.
The doctor did prescribe Seroquel for agitation. He would not take it him self so they had to put it in his food. He knew he was getting something and he looked and sounded really drugged. He just kept saying "you're drugging me". So he went off that. Now the doctor prescribed depakote as needed for agitation. If my dad starts to get "sideways" at the care facility, they can give it to him. We are trying not to do that until we have to because he is aware enough to know if he feels "drugged". Part of me just wants them to give it to them, but my sister wants to wait to try and let my dad develop some trust with them.
Thank you so much for your feedback.
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Harpcat Apr 2020
When my dad got really agitated in LTC we tried depakote which helped some but tegretol did a better job. They can start out with a low dose first and go from there. Dad will develop more trust if his anxiety and agitation gets ramped down. Please have the doctor talk to your sister to explain it to her so she understands. Are you both your dad's health POA? If it is just you then you can make that decision without her approval.
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Seroquel, which is an antipsychotic, seems a little like shooting a rabbit with an elephant gun.

Has anyone sugeested trying an antidepressant?
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Stacence Apr 2020
I am not sure. I can ask about that. Thank you.
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Set boundaries with him about his phone calls - maybe talk to him once a day. Allow his calls to go to voicemail the rest of the time. Talk to caregivers about his frustration/agitation to see if the can pinpoint triggers or notice a pattern.. If there is an emergency, they should call you. You may wish to talk to his doctor about a mild antianxiety medication.
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You'e gotten some good responses about the situation. And, I've just read your last updated post. While it seems good that you had a discussion with your father and you think that he has changed his behavior due to that......I'd be wary of that kind of thing. People with dementia, often are not capable of really comprehending what their actions are causing nor changing their behavior. Often, they don't even recall what you have said minutes earlier. It's not really a purposeful thing, but, brain damage that causes it. I'd try to keep in mind that talking with him, pleading, convincing and cajoling him into changing his behavior is really not realistic. Perhaps, the meds are starting to work or perhaps, he is progressing in his dementia to a phase where he is not as agitated or uncomfortable. I'd try to take the stress of yourself that you can prevent him from behaving one way or the other. It's really not in our control.

I'll just add that often people with dementia can be exactly where they want to be and doing just what they say they want and the entire time, complaining that they want to be there and doing what they are doing. It doesn't really add up, but, it's how dementia works. So, no matter what you do, it's not likely to make him change his behavior. For me, lowering my expectations helped. Also, medication was a great help. Cymbalta worked wonders for my LO and the crying, worrying, pacing, stopped. Hopefully, they will find a med that really helps him.

One thing that I would do is ensure that he can't just leave on his own accord. Is this a secure facility? Has the facility addressed how they handle those situations, if it isn't?
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Set boundaries with him - "Dad, I am available at XX time of day and ON\LY 1 time a day."
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Getting old can be hard. Dad is not himself and never will be again. How awful it can be to try to help when nothing helps. I think for some people, the need to complain is just venting. Letting off steam. There is nothing to be done because nothing will change the situation. I like the idea of complaints sent to voice mail. Then ignore them. Being very old makes us helpless. We don't like anything about it. I hope I don't get like that. I told my son I give him my permission to shoot me if I get like that. He refused, said he couldn't. I would hate to treat someone who cared about me that way. But I would not be myself at that point. Sad way to get to the end of our lives but it happens. Try to tune it out or avoid him. Pretend he has been invaded by a creature from outer space. Anyway, don't take what he says to heart because as others have said, there is really nothing you can do to change things. We "rage against the dying of the light."
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