When they come they pay for nothing. My father in law passed away 5 yrs ago and now my husband's mother has spent everything she has because she has no one to control the spending and she resents she couldn’t do it before. So she had to sell her house for money and moved in with the youngest daughter in Texas during winter months and us during summer. Recently she has become deconditioned and was falling frequently with no energy or strength. She was unable to find a pcp to help get her back on track in Texas. So my husband brought her to our house so he could get her medically back on track with the physician group he works with. We brought in home health and home pt. Before that she had fallen 4 times in my presence and I and my daughter had to get her up. She sits and sleeps on the couch all day with little activity cause we all work and my daughter is in high school. She does nothing all day and expects to be waited on when we get home. So I hit the gym before coming home arrive home to have to clean and prepare a meal and help with homework. I am sick of it - I am done I told my husband I wont take care of his mom and that she needs to go to assisted living where she has meals, her own space and activity.
He said she has no money my response was nursing home Medicaid which she'd need a waiver for but that's just a waiting game. She's been here since right after Christmas and my daughter has had her bathroom taken over as an elderly accessible and she’s expected to share her bed too - which I said no to. Both kids are sick of it and I've tried to be patient but I'm done. I brought it up to my husband a couple days ago and he told me to go to hell - which I am deeply hurt by he said some day your parents will be here and youll have to take care of them. I already told my parents to set up long term care options cause I'm not taking care of them - which may sound heartless but I'm not good at it and I dont like to do that - I feel they should go where they can socialize with people their own age and remain active. Maybe I'm a horrible person for this but its how I feel and none of my parents parents expected any of their kids to take care of them. Apparently one more fix and she should be going back to Texas where she will fall into the same bad habits - I'm ready to walk and need some advice how to come to grips with this.
You work FT, still have kids at home AND a MIL hanging out on your couch all day---I'd be plenty steamed at my Dh if he told me to 'go to hell'...(BTW, hell looks a great deal like a nice hotel room, I know for a fact!)….
You have done plenty for MIL. Hand it ALL over to DH and be firm. He takes care of his mom and you take care of you and your kids. If he is expecting you to be the primary CG for HIS mom, then let him know he'd better plan to be the FT CG for YOUR parents. Good to know they aren't planning to live with you.
Hate to say it, but hubby sounds a bit like a bully.
And this dynamic is NOT good for your kids. Teenagers? They are often especially resentful of having their g-parents living with them, esp when they are taking over the house. My Dh tried to bring his dad to live with us when he was actively dying and my 2 youngest were packing up to move OUT. At ages 16 and 18 they needed to still be home. I put my foot down and did CG for him in his home. To this day my Dh says I was 'selfish'. Well, 3 roundtrips a day to and from dad's condo and dressing his wounds and handing out meds and food--for 3 months, if that's selfish, then I proudly wear the banner.
Before you blow your stack completely, sit down and have an 'adult' conversation with DH and let him know that this living situation is untenable and unsustainable. Have HIM work out a date for MIL to leave, either back to TX or to a NH. (Yes, Medicaid pending is a pain, but he should have started that process some time ago). If he is still belligerent and mean--walk away, Literally. Just for a few days, but take your kiddoes and check into a Long term stay hotel. The kids may love it, and it doesn't mean your marriage is over, but it is an effective tool to get DH's attention.
If MIL goes back to TX and CHOOSES to fall back into her old ways, that is HER problem.
You are not a horrible person for needing your own space and realizing that not everyone is cut out for FT caregiving. Truth is, very few of us are!
I'm still stinging over your hubby's 'go to hell' comment. That was meant to make you feel guilty and shut you down. And it worked, too, didn't it?
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT WANTING HIS MOTHER LIVING WITH YOU!!
Wishing you the best of luck. By the way, no, you are not a horrible person for not wanting to be saddled with all of this. I placed both my parents in Assisted Living back in 2014; Dad passed away in 2015 and mother is still in AL, but now in the Memory Care section. There is NO WAY on God's green earth I would EVER agree to have her live in my home, I couldn't bear it. I'm not a care giver, at least not for a person like my mother who I don't get along well with. And if I had to care for my ex MIL for whatever reason, I'd have SHOT myself instead. Death would have been preferable.
If her falling issue hasn't been diagnosed or remedied she may not qualify for AL. Shortly after my MIL was moved into AL she started falling and eventually she was required to go into LTC for her own safety. The good news is that Medicaid will pay 100% for LTC. It is no longer about what your MIL wants (and if she has dementia it won't be reasonable). You and your family are the main responsibility, not your MIL. She had plenty of time to plan for her sunset years -- and didn't. Maybe together you and hubby can start researching and visiting reputable care communities local to you. Ask if your MIL is candidate for LTC. Make sure they accept Medicaid recipients and ask if there's a waiting list for those rooms. Your MIL won't be happy about any of it but she, like my MIL, may like the social aspect and security of being with others. She may never "like" it or adjust, but that is not your problem, you've got enough plates to spin.
I'd be mad too! I mean she even expected to share a bed with your kid? She's not staying there for a bit. As far as she's concerned, she's moved in.
Let him do all the work. It's HIS mother. He likely sees your looking after her as an extension of your work as a mother/wife. I see it so often here... MIL comes to stay and the wife gets saddled with the caretaking. The wife gets tired and angry (who wouldn't?) and the husband labels her a heartless witch.
Book a nice hotel for a few days... you need some time away and he needs to get a more realistic perspective. It’s a win-win :D
And I agree with Margaret... he gets to hold down the ENTIRE fort, kids included. In order for him to see reality - not just a head in the sand, pass the work to my spouse perspective - he needs to LIVE reality.
4-5 days should do the trick. Be calm and nice and explain that - while you understand this is emotional for him - it is very important to your marriage and family that he have enough skin in the game to look at this situation logically.
You have gone ABOVE and BEYOND. If nothing else, he needs to acknowledge that.
The last line of your post was the most important line. I'd only change one thing...Don't walk away, RUN!!! As fast as you can. You know that you deserve better than being told to go to hell.