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When they come they pay for nothing. My father in law passed away 5 yrs ago and now my husband's mother has spent everything she has because she has no one to control the spending and she resents she couldn’t do it before. So she had to sell her house for money and moved in with the youngest daughter in Texas during winter months and us during summer. Recently she has become deconditioned and was falling frequently with no energy or strength. She was unable to find a pcp to help get her back on track in Texas. So my husband brought her to our house so he could get her medically back on track with the physician group he works with. We brought in home health and home pt. Before that she had fallen 4 times in my presence and I and my daughter had to get her up. She sits and sleeps on the couch all day with little activity cause we all work and my daughter is in high school. She does nothing all day and expects to be waited on when we get home. So I hit the gym before coming home arrive home to have to clean and prepare a meal and help with homework. I am sick of it - I am done I told my husband I wont take care of his mom and that she needs to go to assisted living where she has meals, her own space and activity.


He said she has no money my response was nursing home Medicaid which she'd need a waiver for but that's just a waiting game. She's been here since right after Christmas and my daughter has had her bathroom taken over as an elderly accessible and she’s expected to share her bed too - which I said no to. Both kids are sick of it and I've tried to be patient but I'm done. I brought it up to my husband a couple days ago and he told me to go to hell - which I am deeply hurt by he said some day your parents will be here and youll have to take care of them. I already told my parents to set up long term care options cause I'm not taking care of them - which may sound heartless but I'm not good at it and I dont like to do that - I feel they should go where they can socialize with people their own age and remain active. Maybe I'm a horrible person for this but its how I feel and none of my parents parents expected any of their kids to take care of them. Apparently one more fix and she should be going back to Texas where she will fall into the same bad habits - I'm ready to walk and need some advice how to come to grips with this.

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Well, I'd be pretty darn angry too.

You work FT, still have kids at home AND a MIL hanging out on your couch all day---I'd be plenty steamed at my Dh if he told me to 'go to hell'...(BTW, hell looks a great deal like a nice hotel room, I know for a fact!)….

You have done plenty for MIL. Hand it ALL over to DH and be firm. He takes care of his mom and you take care of you and your kids. If he is expecting you to be the primary CG for HIS mom, then let him know he'd better plan to be the FT CG for YOUR parents. Good to know they aren't planning to live with you.

Hate to say it, but hubby sounds a bit like a bully.

And this dynamic is NOT good for your kids. Teenagers? They are often especially resentful of having their g-parents living with them, esp when they are taking over the house. My Dh tried to bring his dad to live with us when he was actively dying and my 2 youngest were packing up to move OUT. At ages 16 and 18 they needed to still be home. I put my foot down and did CG for him in his home. To this day my Dh says I was 'selfish'. Well, 3 roundtrips a day to and from dad's condo and dressing his wounds and handing out meds and food--for 3 months, if that's selfish, then I proudly wear the banner.

Before you blow your stack completely, sit down and have an 'adult' conversation with DH and let him know that this living situation is untenable and unsustainable. Have HIM work out a date for MIL to leave, either back to TX or to a NH. (Yes, Medicaid pending is a pain, but he should have started that process some time ago). If he is still belligerent and mean--walk away, Literally. Just for a few days, but take your kiddoes and check into a Long term stay hotel. The kids may love it, and it doesn't mean your marriage is over, but it is an effective tool to get DH's attention.

If MIL goes back to TX and CHOOSES to fall back into her old ways, that is HER problem.

You are not a horrible person for needing your own space and realizing that not everyone is cut out for FT caregiving. Truth is, very few of us are!

I'm still stinging over your hubby's 'go to hell' comment. That was meant to make you feel guilty and shut you down. And it worked, too, didn't it?

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT WANTING HIS MOTHER LIVING WITH YOU!!
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FrustratedTW Feb 2020
Thank you i feel better about how i am feeling about this. My husband isnt a bully i am stronger than he is in that aspect. I think he is feeling every day as her last and not wanting to lose his last parent- which I understand but I still feel the same way. I despise her and so do my kids and my son is very vocal and is upset his father said that to me - he wants to have a talk with his dad and i dont just want it to go away! My husband says just be respectful it is short term so im trying but becoming resentful towards him too - shes got to GO!
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Ah, dontcha just love it when an elderly person sees fit to spend ALL their money on nonsense, leaving them flat broke, and then turn themselves into somebody ELSE'S problem? That's what you're facing here, unfortunately, and DH is not being very reasonable about things. If it's really 'short term' you're talking about, then maybe it's better to just put up with the MIL until she takes off again for Texas. Unless you want a real showdown with DH & talk of divorce, which you probably don't. It's the reality of what you're facing here, unless you're able to convince him to apply for Medicaid and get her placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility. It's best to sit down and talk about the future and to try and reach a compromise. And if you can't, then let HIM take care of HIS mother entirely. That right there may change his mind pretty quickly about Skilled Nursing!! The only way to develop empathy is through scar tissue. What scars does HE have from care giving his mother? Give him some, and then have another chat.

Wishing you the best of luck. By the way, no, you are not a horrible person for not wanting to be saddled with all of this. I placed both my parents in Assisted Living back in 2014; Dad passed away in 2015 and mother is still in AL, but now in the Memory Care section. There is NO WAY on God's green earth I would EVER agree to have her live in my home, I couldn't bear it. I'm not a care giver, at least not for a person like my mother who I don't get along well with. And if I had to care for my ex MIL for whatever reason, I'd have SHOT myself instead. Death would have been preferable.
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Your burnout is totally understandable (both of you). I can also understand your husband being very sensitive about this subject, especially since he sees no good solution (yet this does not excuse his disrespectful reply to you). You are both speaking to each other from a place of exhaustion/anger/desperation. Does your MIL have "bad habits" or dementia? Has she ever been formally checked by a doctor for cognitive impairment? Her sleeping could be a physical problem or a sign of depression, which is very common in the elderly.

If her falling issue hasn't been diagnosed or remedied she may not qualify for AL. Shortly after my MIL was moved into AL she started falling and eventually she was required to go into LTC for her own safety. The good news is that Medicaid will pay 100% for LTC. It is no longer about what your MIL wants (and if she has dementia it won't be reasonable). You and your family are the main responsibility, not your MIL. She had plenty of time to plan for her sunset years -- and didn't. Maybe together you and hubby can start researching and visiting reputable care communities local to you. Ask if your MIL is candidate for LTC. Make sure they accept Medicaid recipients and ask if there's a waiting list for those rooms. Your MIL won't be happy about any of it but she, like my MIL, may like the social aspect and security of being with others. She may never "like" it or adjust, but that is not your problem, you've got enough plates to spin.
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He needs to define "short term". Stop doing any care for her. Just take care of you and the kids. Make your husband be responsible fully for this. If you and the kids could go away for a long weekend even better. Explain to him that you are no longer able to handle this situation and he needs to deal with it himself....for the short term. I bet short term comes a lot quicker than expected when it is all on him.
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Sorry, but telling your own wife to go to hell and making you out to be the bad person here is bully behavior. And with his attitude about "you'll need to care for your parents here some day", I don't think he has any intention of getting her out any time soon. His snapping at you is his way of letting you know: he's willing to fight for his mother first.

I'd be mad too! I mean she even expected to share a bed with your kid? She's not staying there for a bit. As far as she's concerned, she's moved in.

Let him do all the work. It's HIS mother. He likely sees your looking after her as an extension of your work as a mother/wife. I see it so often here... MIL comes to stay and the wife gets saddled with the caretaking. The wife gets tired and angry (who wouldn't?) and the husband labels her a heartless witch.
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Go to hell from a DH after taking care of an MIL would be a line crossed for me. What a load of garbage.

Book a nice hotel for a few days... you need some time away and he needs to get a more realistic perspective. It’s a win-win :D

And I agree with Margaret... he gets to hold down the ENTIRE fort, kids included. In order for him to see reality - not just a head in the sand, pass the work to my spouse perspective - he needs to LIVE reality.

4-5 days should do the trick. Be calm and nice and explain that - while you understand this is emotional for him - it is very important to your marriage and family that he have enough skin in the game to look at this situation logically.

You have gone ABOVE and BEYOND. If nothing else, he needs to acknowledge that.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
My friend did this. She left her husband. She did not want a divorce. She had a good job so she had no issue supporting herself.but it took him 18 months to contact her and ask her to work things out. Actually, he asked her to come back home. She told him that she was not going back home to the same thing. He had always told her that she could go to therapy because he did not need it. She told him that 'couples therapy' included a husband! He finally agreed to go. Fortunately, their marriage was restored. She was about to give up though and ask for a divorce because it took him so long to miss her.
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She has been with you since Xmas, what does she do, spend 3 months with her own DD.   I agree with PP, tell DH this has to change.  Explain to him Medicaid is by state, and she would be better off being near her own DD.
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Frustrated,

The last line of your post was the most important line. I'd only change one thing...Don't walk away, RUN!!! As fast as you can. You know that you deserve better than being told to go to hell.
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If ‘go to hell’ was a one-off exit line after a difficult disagreement, I’d try to write it off. Most blokes around here use much worse language when under stress. Your husband clearly knows that it’s very difficult for all the family, he just can’t think of other alternatives. I’d try the trip away for a few days – if you can last that long, perhaps you go alone to Texas over Easter to talk about the options with your sister-in-law. DH going isn't an option because as we all know usually it's the women that do the work. Don’t take the kids, they are old enough to cope on their own, and if they grumble at Dad so much the better. It’s a justifiable reason to take a break yourself, as well as to help DH get up close and personal with the load. Both things are needed at the moment.
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FloridaDD Feb 2020
I doubt the sister will take mom.  The deal originally that sister have the mom over the winter has obviously fallen apart with sister taking mom 2-3 months a year.  Both the brother and the sister have found a sucker.
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