I know I ask questions about this but here I am again. Still floundering and just can't get seem to get back on solid ground. Can't stop being very frustrated and sad. And angry. Yup. It feels so wrong and I feel so petty but haven't been able to come to terms with the situation.
Last time, one person suggested that I could have been enabling her and WOW was that a bullseye right between the eyes. I saw that I have done way too much for her for way too long. And I have stopped.
I came to the realization that I am so freakin annoyed with ME caring more about her well being than she does. This is where I'm pretty much STUCK. Her strength and mobility have declined and she doesn't want to go to PT anymore. She "claims" she'll do it at home but it's never really happened before so....history DOES repeat itself. I do my best to NOT ask if she is or is not doing her exercises. I just can't bear the answers.
IF her refusing to remain active only had an impact on her, then big fat hairy deal, right? BUT she lives with me and hubby. And we already do most of the things. Either because of her pain or lack of strength and mobility.
I just see the future and I HATE what I see. And I know that it's 90% her own fault because she refuses to do the exercises and increase her strength and mobility. I recently told her that I am NOT doing more because she is choosing to do less. And now the battle lines have been drawn and we're both annoyed/angry with each other.
Do I have to be OK with her lack of activity which will lead her to continue to decline?
How can I not be disgusted with her lousy attitude?
Then also she made a snarky comment about me going to my daughter's without her which turned into a major blowout. I told her that I worry about her going up the stairs (she's horrible at stairs and we have to help and/or spot her), that she's going to fall and hurt herself and/or me. She doesn't get it. UUUGGGGHHHH!
The solution is within you and whatever you decide to do, or not to do. Wish you much luck and peace with your decision.
My mother used to harp at my father to get up and move. MOVE IT OR LOSE IT! He most often refused. Years later she had to be moved to MC. Initially she was still mobile and walked a lot, unaided. Eventually she started using a rollator, but was still able to self-care and get around. After a couple of tumbles, no injury, she is refusing to stand and/or walk at all. Funny that she would then sit in her transport chair and use her legs to 'scoot' along to get to the bathroom, or dining area. With bad knees (too old with dementia for surgery now!), I believe this has led to the most recent bout with leg pain. Last time I stopped by, she was in a wheelchair. She gained at least 20# after moving in there. TV was not a problem - we didn't get one for her room and she doesn't really watch the one in the LR area, but she would sit for hours on end reading her paper, the magazines they have and ALL the sales catalogs.
She did cooperate once with OT during one of the leg pain stints, but they tried bringing in OT/PT this time and she refuses to work with them. So be it. Everyone, even those with dementia, still have the right to refuse. Staff told me this, but they can usually coax the person into doing what needs to be done. PT, not so much.
I consider myself a doer, and would only ask for help if it was beyond my knowledge or capability. With a bad lower back, I do have to be careful about what I tackle and how long or I will pay for it, but I still do try! Other things, I have found I am a lot less coordinated, so I will consider attempting whatever it is, sometimes try, but have learned to walk away before frustrating myself! At this point I refer to myself as "challenged" - no qualifiers! If I can kick it by accident, trip over it, fumble it, get caught on it, it does happen. So frustrating! Sometimes I will just leave it and try again later. Other times, ask for help. Hopefully I will never get to be like your MIL! I've always been the independent type and it would make me angry to not be able to do for myself!
If she wants to make bad decisions about her health and allow herself to decline, she has the right. But you have the right to refuse to be her accomplice. You don’t have to do more just because she’s doing less.
Whatever you are feeling here, just know that your feelings are valid and hating what’s to come and hating the situation she’s creating for herself and being disgusted.....doesn’t make you a bad person. So let out all your feelings here.
My mom recovered but she still won’t walk and build her leg muscles at all. She claims she exercises but it’s in bed with a trapeze (If I believe her...) and that doesn’t help her legs at all.
When she decided to become bedridden she would lay in bed in soaking wet gowns and bedsheets for hours and wouldn’t let me get her up to use the toilet for fear she would “hurt” me.
Be thankful she’s in a home because it’s so difficult to be a witness all day every day to her decline knowing she’s doing it to herself! Breakfast, lunch and dinner I’d beg my mother to get up.
I’m just saying I know exactly how you feel and I don’t blame you a bit. You are so right and if she lasts 20 more years what a waste if $ and resources. That’s a terrible thing for me to say, I know and I’m sorry but in an effort to be supportive of you, that’s what I think.
charlotte
My mom is still at our house.
I think AL might be in her future.
I hope we can some how find a common ground, agree to disagree, but don't know how to get there. Might need to enlist a professional for some mediation?
Your Mom is being selfish and needs to know that you refuse to be her slave when she is perfectly able to do for herself.
It makes me so sad to think that I'm going to have to say - time for AL, mom. Ugh. Well, it's either that or I just have to suck up my very negative feelings about her lack of participation, or caring, in her own well being. That might just be more than I can handle though.
The level of care I have to provide for her at this point in time is pretty low and easy to handle. It's the mental load of knowing how much better of a life she could and should be leading.
I have implemented date night, where hubby and I do go out ALONE. I have gone to my daughter's ALONE (not without getting $h*t about it, but nonetheless). Besides not taking care of herself physically, she also refuses to get more involved in the few things that are available in our area. She does go to our little local library once or twice a month. And the same to our little country store for lunch where she can chat with the owners. BUT OMG think of how many hours she is ALONE. I tried to get her to reach out to some ladies she has met in town but NO. Tried to get her to go to the senior center. NAH. Tried to get her to come to the gym with me. WHO, ME? So her social life sucks and I feel a lot of pressure on that front because she loves to talk and be social. When she moved here 4 years ago she said she had enough friends. Lordy. They're all 2 hours away and she does make it down there every month or two to my sister's (thank god for that short respite time I do get from time to time!) but that is NOT ENOUGH. AL would solve that problem too.
I am also 5' and she's about the same (I think she shrunk an inch or two) but weighs over 200! Yikes. There's no way I'll be able to muscle her around when the time comes.
This may be a mistake, but I'm inclined to kind of wait until SOMETHING happens. Like she gets a new problem that really degrades her current status.
You are unfortunately right that my mom is being selfish. But, of course, she implies that I am the selfish one. She expects everyone to slow down and dumb down everything we do so that she can be included. Geez? Really? She just does not seem at all aware of how slow and needy she is and has no pride about it. Because of her knee and back problems, she walks and very slowly and has to take breaks and can barely do stairs. She can do the 3 into our house by putting her weight on the railing and slowly making it up.
She says she wishes she could be around when I'm old so she could see how I will do! OMG. I'll be approaching life the way I do today. I eat well. Take supplements. Am very active. I address my health problems as they arise and get them resolved, instead of waiting for the good fairy to arrive and wave her magic wand to make them miraculously go away with no effort on my part. I do the work to stay young and strong and active!
I'm learning how NOT to approach aging by watching HER. Thanks for the tips, mom.
Ugh, I really really really HATE the way I sound here. Thankfully this is anonymouse otherwise I could never be this honest, except with my hubby.
Thanks for caring enough to give me your best advise!
My mother refused to do the PT in rehab, so she became wheelchair bound and had to go from the regular ALF which she loved into their Memory Care building, which she hates. She wants to go back to her old apartment, which she can't, because she chose to sit instead of walk, so there's nothing anyone can do for her. She asked me the other day, "What am I doing in this wheelchair?" UGH.
Good luck..........it's really awful when they make THEIR problems in OUR problems and then blame us for the whole mess in the process!
Mind boggling. Though, yesterday, I did remember that her mom did nothing to help herself either. She was grossly overweight, lots of health issues, lots of meds. Didn't lose weight, didn't get active, just took her meds, declined and passed in her mid 70s. Not a great role model. Her dad followed the heart attack diet, though he had maybe 50+ extra lbs on him. He lived a decent life until he had a post-op stroke and died. She's never been in my shoes of taking care of a parent. It probably never would have crossed her mind to try to get her mom to do things to help herself. Grandpa took care of her so he bore 95% of that burden.
Good one from your mom "why am I in a wheelchair"?? OMG seriously? I guess they just do NOT understand the correlation between their poor choices and the natural consequences. They are just letting life wash over them without fighting one iota for their future.
I do understand that sometimes, you really try and still can not make things better. Now, that I could deal with graciously. But not the oh well, that's just the way it is attitude.
Thanks for the response and the help. Means a lot.
Time to stop this merry-go-round, you can jump off any time...why not now?
I agree that if your mom does not want to do her exercises, moving her out of your home is fair, because it will be a physical burden on you that will be too much. But also realize she may no longer have the ability to be motivated...it may be her condition or depression. Either way, you have to do what will let you keep your sanity and live your life.
My husband has had a stroke and vascular dementia is here.
With dementias...strokes, health issues, the person becomes apathetic. They want to sort of but really don't. Take my husband. He wants to get up and do Pulmonary Therapy, but won't walk out of the house. His reason? He can't.
And after watching both him and his mom deal with this very same issue, I am convinced that ...
they can't.
The brain simply is not allowing it.
Please consider this while dealing with your mom.
I'm going through this same thing with my husband and MIL. I've sat down with neurologists and psychiatrists and they both finally admitted that this happens.
Depression and apathy/don't care happens. And is there a way to stop it or reverse it?
I don't know.
I get upset with my husband of course but we know this is happening. He cannot help it.
Once I understood it is not Mom but a broken person, my frustration dissipated (well mostly!) and this hard life became a lot easier, still just as much work, but less stress! Now my job is to provide safety and comfort, oh yes, and entertainment! And ignore all the #$$% thrown my way!
If your LO can't walk, maybe they can just stand up out of the wheelchair once in a while with help. Standing up at the kitchen sink was a favorite of my MIL. She thought she was doing the dishes.
You may have to decide that having mom live somewhere else or creating a "mini apartment" in your home for her may give you some separation and return of control over "your household". My mom lived with us for 6 months after she sold her home. She said she would live with us for a "couple of months" (2-3). We gave her the use of a bedroom and sitting room. She expanded to the patio and bathroom. I told her that these were not her "areas" and helped her to limit her spread. She visited my sister for a month and when she came back, she was ready to move. 3 months later, she is in her own condo and doing well. I visit weekly to take her shopping and for outings and my hubby takes care of maintenance issues on a monthly basis. I realize that when mom needs to move back in with us, she'll need a mini home of her own in our household.
Twenty-five years after the diagnosis, she hadn’t been going to a doctor for 10 years—THEY weren’t helping. She’s falling and walking with TWO canes just to get from bed, to toilet, to kitchen. She knew she had to do something, so I get her into my tell-it-like-it-is doctor. Well, he did, and she didn’t like it, and we were both upset. My misplaced guilt for wondering why it happened to her, not me, changed to resentment. She didn’t do what he said—get a rollator today, get in a pool in the next week for exercise, and do NOT do PT at home—GET OUT to do it, annnnnnnd he told her he thought that the diagnosis was incorrect all those years ago. She did just the opposite of all. REFUSED to get in a pool—mostly vanity kept that from happening. I had trouble even visiting and listening to how upset she was with HIM.
She continued to go down hill. She’s been in and out of the hospital now at least two dozen times in the last three years, as she is bedridden. She’s on her fourth nursing home, and now has lung disease requiring oxygen 24/7, was sent to the hosp in a coma by the third nursing home that had a power failure and her oxygen dropped, which led to a trach and a vent. Now her options are very limited.
She turns 70 on Sunday. I moved three states away in July to be closer to my grandkids. I’m 65, and just couldn’t stay in our hometown any longer—it is so much harder to move the older you get, but we’re here, and I’m doing more for myself now. The guilt isn’t eating me up anymore. Yes, I hate what she’s going through, but she made the choices, as did I. I really did have to save myself.
She has BF from many years ago who comes three times a week to help her and visit. She and I text most days, but she never whines or complains, except for our soap storylines.
You need to set yourself free as best you can before it’s too late and your loving relationships are completely diminished by resentment. I waited too long.
PS—Sissy’s diagnosis those many years ago was wrong, according to all the tests and specialists. She got where she is due to atrophy of her large muscles from inactivity. Her brain is good, will always be bedridden and on a vent. The good news—yesterday, she FINALLY got in the water!! And NOW she says she wants the NH to Hoyer her in there at least once a week.
No point in nagging her to do exercises or to be more active. That will only aggravate the tension between you. Your LO probably lacks motivation due to depression and poor energy.
If you and your husband reach the point where you can no longer (or are no longer willing to) do everything for her, it's time for more hired help or placement in a facility.
Facility I would think about doing that. Hugs to you.
Ask doctor to order some in home PT. A stranger working on the exercise issue may get more results than you. Since you had been an enabler, there is still that little wisp of hope that she can get more out of you again. Keep repeating that being in the home is dependent on being strong and mobile.
We did this to MIL, telling her she'd be in Nursing Home if she wouldn't exercise for rehab there. It woke her up. She exercised, and one of her sons took her nearby to an AL he owned, since his home had stairs. It was an acceptable solution for all.
Last year had a TIA (mini stroke) then a big stroke. Vascular problems found. Not enough oxygen getting to her brain - suggestion that silent TIAs & micro bleeds had been going on. A'ha! no O2 - no attention span!
My Dad especially has been so frustrated, as you are, as he can see she needs to do more & this is the only way to recover from the stroke. He hated nagging, she hated his nagging. But he won't give up.
He found funding from senior services for more physio. She really needs 1:1 attention to do the physio. They go something like 5-6 x fortnight. Slowly it has become part of their morning routine at home. while this is increasing her strength, unfortunately it has not prompted her to do more for herself (within her limits). Her 89 yr old sister drives, cooks, cleans but she just can't - her brain just doesn't work that way anymore. She's 76.
Has your Mother had a good checkup lately? Just to check/rule out depression or other medical problems?
UUUGGGGHHHH!
For example: I tried years ago to help mom see that if she SITS all day she is going to become weaker and weaker. When she gets to a point where she can’t get up and down on her own, we will be forced into putting her into a nursing home. I can now see her struggling to get out of a chair, etc.
There are other examples that I could include here. Bottom line, I think it is rough to deal with caregiving, especially when the person being cared for does not cooperate.
Best wishes.