How to deal with a LO that doesn't want to help themselves?

Againx100, you are always welcome to come here to vent, share and answer questions. I completely understand how sad, sick and frustrated you must feel by your mother’s lack of effort to help herself. You say you were advised by someone that you are an enabler. Have you had any success in dealing with that? Have you mentioned to your mother that this cannot continue and either she puts forth some effort or she will have to move to a facility where they will care for her but mostly leave her be to do as she pleases? I believe you were probably advised this previously, yes?

The solution is within you and whatever you decide to do, or not to do. Wish you much luck and peace with your decision.

Again, you have a right to feel how you feel. You can feel disgusted with her lousy attitude. You don’t have to accept it. You don’t have to be ok with her lack of activity either.
If she wants to make bad decisions about her health and allow herself to decline, she has the right. But you have the right to refuse to be her accomplice. You don’t have to do more just because she’s doing less.

Whatever you are feeling here, just know that your feelings are valid and hating what’s to come and hating the situation she’s creating for herself and being disgusted.....doesn’t make you a bad person. So let out all your feelings here.

Thank you for your kind and supportive responses. Made me cry.

I just want to say I totally feel your frustration and have had to deal with it myself.

My mom recovered but she still won’t walk and build her leg muscles at all. She claims she exercises but it’s in bed with a trapeze (If I believe her...) and that doesn’t help her legs at all.

When she decided to become bedridden she would lay in bed in soaking wet gowns and bedsheets for hours and wouldn’t let me get her up to use the toilet for fear she would “hurt” me.

Be thankful she’s in a home because it’s so difficult to be a witness all day every day to her decline knowing she’s doing it to herself! Breakfast, lunch and dinner I’d beg my mother to get up.

I’m just saying I know exactly how you feel and I don’t blame you a bit. You are so right and if she lasts 20 more years what a waste if $ and resources. That’s a terrible thing for me to say, I know and I’m sorry but in an effort to be supportive of you, that’s what I think.

charlotte

Think it time to tell Mom that you are no longer willing to care for her. Her not trying to do better, makes more work for you. She is going to need to go to an AL, if she can afford it, or go to LTC on Medicaid. You do not plan on caring for her the next 20 yrs. You have a life. You want to be able to go out with your husband, alone. You want to be able to visit your daughter without her getting upset because she wasn't included. Because she feels she should be included, then she has to be able to do for herself. Because as she ages so do you. I am 5 ft so its really hard for me to help someone that out weighs me and is dead weight.

Your Mom is being selfish and needs to know that you refuse to be her slave when she is perfectly able to do for herself.

Your mother is making a conscious CHOICE to be placed in either Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing, due to her refusal to help herself. And due to the fact that you physically cannot do the PT FOR her, meaning she will become either wheelchair bound soon or even, perhaps, bed bound. So be it, mother................this is YOUR choice. Remind her of that, and you will have no other choice but to start looking into long term care facilities for her NOW, with an eye towards her default future.

My mother refused to do the PT in rehab, so she became wheelchair bound and had to go from the regular ALF which she loved into their Memory Care building, which she hates. She wants to go back to her old apartment, which she can't, because she chose to sit instead of walk, so there's nothing anyone can do for her. She asked me the other day, "What am I doing in this wheelchair?" UGH.

Good luck..........it's really awful when they make THEIR problems in OUR problems and then blame us for the whole mess in the process!

Don’t know if this is your mom's case, but my mom was depressed and just stopped caring after my sister died. She was on medication and under a doctor’s care, but no matter what we suggested, she argued or refused to try. She lived the way she wanted to and we couldn’t convince her otherwise. I learned that I could only control my reactions -I couldn’t make her the person I wanted her to be. It’s not easy.

Sometimes you just have to let people live the consequences of their actions. One of which is you not taking her out because of her mobility issues. There is only so much you can do for someone before it lands on them to do for themselves. I think you need to have the AL conversation with her. She is only going to get worse and even if you wanted to you will not be able to help her anymore.

It sounds to me like this is wearing you down and in a very negative way. You don't have to be worried about her health constantly, it is too draining. It seems you are fighting a losing battle. Is there any way you can get her into some kind of home where they will take care of her and it will take the burden off of you?

She is destroying you, one small step at a time. IMO you are in over your head. Why not consider AL, where she can be with people her own age, then she will have someone to B, Whine and Complain to, over lunch.

Time to stop this merry-go-round, you can jump off any time...why not now?

There is something you all may want to consider. My MIL has dementia, she refuses to exercise...refused to do therapy at home. She is now in a SNF. We did not understand this at all.
My husband has had a stroke and vascular dementia is here.

With dementias...strokes, health issues, the person becomes apathetic. They want to sort of but really don't. Take my husband. He wants to get up and do Pulmonary Therapy, but won't walk out of the house. His reason? He can't.
And after watching both him and his mom deal with this very same issue, I am convinced that ...
they can't.
The brain simply is not allowing it.

Please consider this while dealing with your mom.

I'm going through this same thing with my husband and MIL. I've sat down with neurologists and psychiatrists and they both finally admitted that this happens.

Depression and apathy/don't care happens. And is there a way to stop it or reverse it?
I don't know.

I get upset with my husband of course but we know this is happening. He cannot help it.

Maybe down the Line, Get Mom into a Care facilty, If you can but Good Luck with that. My parents would not Go, Mom ended up going into the hospitl for Cancer and Heart, Leaving dad Alone up there with COPD. My sister is Caring for him and all he wants to Do is mainly Sit because he is Scared he may Die too soon. Stop nagging, They are Stubborn, One day it will happen that she is gne from there or in another Facility wit Care...

Dementia is a broken brain, it has taken me a few years to really even start to understand what that entails, the constant questions, suspicion, inability to do things it seems like Mom should be able to. And on top of all that there is the button pushing on both sides with family.

Once I understood it is not Mom but a broken person, my frustration dissipated (well mostly!) and this hard life became a lot easier, still just as much work, but less stress! Now my job is to provide safety and comfort, oh yes, and entertainment! And ignore all the #$$% thrown my way!

Many people of all ages refuse to do their assigned exercises because they have no meaning to them. Stop fighting over exercises and just try to keep walking. Cut the instructions to a minimum and just walk.
If your LO can't walk, maybe they can just stand up out of the wheelchair once in a while with help. Standing up at the kitchen sink was a favorite of my MIL. She thought she was doing the dishes.

The decision to not take her to your daughter's was made well before today.  She decided that by not making better choices for years.

We must be very very careful about making ultimatums. Whether a threat is recognized or ignored it is *always* remembered with indignation. Maybe you could say something like, "But, Mom, what are we going to do when your legs are too weak even to use a walker?" or "But, Mom, your poor body needs to move around and do things!" or "Movement is a wonder drug for pain!" or "Doctor's orders, dammit! Don't tell me, tell him."

Talk with hubby about what you both consider appropriate activities for your mom while she lives with you. Please make sure that her "contributions" are reasonable for her current abilities. You might consider doing PT with her at home as a form of exercise for both of you. Also discuss what are possible consequences if she doesn't abide with your "rules". Is moving her out of your home and option? Decide on "rewards" for mom complying with her activity contributions. After you and hubby talk, have a talk with mom about what you consider appropriate contributions for every person in the home. Outline yours and hubby's contributions. Then, show her the list of activities that she can do as her contribution with consequences and rewards. She may not want to do anything different, but you have already decided on rewards and consequences for her behavior.

You may have to decide that having mom live somewhere else or creating a "mini apartment" in your home for her may give you some separation and return of control over "your household". My mom lived with us for 6 months after she sold her home. She said she would live with us for a "couple of months" (2-3). We gave her the use of a bedroom and sitting room. She expanded to the patio and bathroom. I told her that these were not her "areas" and helped her to limit her spread. She visited my sister for a month and when she came back, she was ready to move. 3 months later, she is in her own condo and doing well. I visit weekly to take her shopping and for outings and my hubby takes care of maintenance issues on a monthly basis. I realize that when mom needs to move back in with us, she'll need a mini home of her own in our household.

My forever-single sister was doing this to me for years. At 40 she had a severe health issue that told her that she was going to have to stay on top of her mobility, or her quality of life would be greatly diminished. That lasted maybe five years. Then she stopped taking her nightly walks after her sedentary FT job. Then she retired—then she just never went out of her house—her doing, because it was easier to hire people to do things for her, have me or my husband do them, and instead of going out to lunch or dinner, it was easier for HER to ask/demand that her friends and family all come to her, allowing/enabling her to just become even more sedentary.
Twenty-five years after the diagnosis, she hadn’t been going to a doctor for 10 years—THEY weren’t helping. She’s falling and walking with TWO canes just to get from bed, to toilet, to kitchen. She knew she had to do something, so I get her into my tell-it-like-it-is doctor. Well, he did, and she didn’t like it, and we were both upset. My misplaced guilt for wondering why it happened to her, not me, changed to resentment. She didn’t do what he said—get a rollator today, get in a pool in the next week for exercise, and do NOT do PT at home—GET OUT to do it, annnnnnnd he told her he thought that the diagnosis was incorrect all those years ago. She did just the opposite of all. REFUSED to get in a pool—mostly vanity kept that from happening. I had trouble even visiting and listening to how upset she was with HIM.
She continued to go down hill. She’s been in and out of the hospital now at least two dozen times in the last three years, as she is bedridden. She’s on her fourth nursing home, and now has lung disease requiring oxygen 24/7, was sent to the hosp in a coma by the third nursing home that had a power failure and her oxygen dropped, which led to a trach and a vent. Now her options are very limited.
She turns 70 on Sunday. I moved three states away in July to be closer to my grandkids. I’m 65, and just couldn’t stay in our hometown any longer—it is so much harder to move the older you get, but we’re here, and I’m doing more for myself now. The guilt isn’t eating me up anymore. Yes, I hate what she’s going through, but she made the choices, as did I. I really did have to save myself.
She has BF from many years ago who comes three times a week to help her and visit. She and I text most days, but she never whines or complains, except for our soap storylines.
You need to set yourself free as best you can before it’s too late and your loving relationships are completely diminished by resentment. I waited too long.

PS—Sissy’s diagnosis those many years ago was wrong, according to all the tests and specialists. She got where she is due to atrophy of her large muscles from inactivity. Her brain is good, will always be bedridden and on a vent. The good news—yesterday, she FINALLY got in the water!! And NOW she says she wants the NH to Hoyer her in there at least once a week.

Your LO (MIL?) is not going to do PT exercises on her own. Do you control her finances if she has any pension or Social Security? You could use some of her money to hire an in-home aide to do the PT with her. In-home help usually has a 3 to 4 hour minimum, so maybe there are some other chores or activities a hired aide could do with your LO to keep her engaged during that time. She might co-operate better with a "professional" helper.

No point in nagging her to do exercises or to be more active. That will only aggravate the tension between you. Your LO probably lacks motivation due to depression and poor energy.

If you and your husband reach the point where you can no longer (or are no longer willing to) do everything for her, it's time for more hired help or placement in a facility.

What is LO please?

Your story sounds so much like mine except it is my dad. After mom passed 4 years ago dad slowly declined. Depression, apathy, sleeping all the time. I tried to take care of him but the drive to his house was taking too much of my time and energy. I moved him in with me a year ago, along with my 46 year old mentally disabled brother. I agonized for so long at his lack of caring for himself. Refusing to exercise or even join us for TV. I see him at meals but that is about it, other than doctor appointments of course. My brother takes care of all dad's physical needs so my load in taking care of dad is light. I have discussed with him his ultimate future if he remains in bed all the time. He apologizes, says he knows it his fault and then he cries. I do not discuss it with him anymore. So I do not beat myself up anymore over this either. I am just waiting for the "next thing" to happen....stroke, heart attack, dementia, or his inability to move at all. I am prepared to move him to some sort of facility when I can no longer take care of him in my home. So the best advice I can give is to let it go. Apathy does happen and there is nothing you can do to change them. You can only change your response to their apathy. You still have your life to live so live it.

I wasn't sure if your mom has dementia. My mother does. She is 85. Along with Dementia many have apathy. Mine does. She does not care about anything. Her brain won't let her. My mom has a very slow gait. She also should be doing exercises but she has no will to nor am I going to fight with her about it. I do try to take her for a walk. I do take her to musical events, she loves that. She is tired all the time but cant sleep all the time so she just lays in bed. She can not initiate anything on her own. She loves to go for rides and eat out but that is a problem with me. Last year when she was living 650 miles from me in her own home she drove her car 7000 miles in 4 months. She loved driving! Plus she didn't know how to cook anymore so she ate out all the time. I don't want to do that. This is the progression of the disease and it is a cruel disease. If you have the money to put her in a nice AL
Facility I would think about doing that. Hugs to you.

Wanting to go to your daughter's house may be a carrot to hang in front of her face. Tell her you wish she could go too, but if she isn't willing to do some exercise to get stronger to climb stairs, it just isn't safe. Get the message across to her that you'd love to be able to take her there, and other places, but you can no longer risk her falling or others trying to help her up stairs falling down -- the bottom line to that is: if one of us falls down trying to help you, we couldn't even do what we do now to take care of you.

Ask doctor to order some in home PT. A stranger working on the exercise issue may get more results than you. Since you had been an enabler, there is still that little wisp of hope that she can get more out of you again. Keep repeating that being in the home is dependent on being strong and mobile.

History says she will not do home PT. Make a decision. Will you continue to help her up stairs? Can she afford to put in a stairs lift she sits on? If the answer is no to both, then tell her she can't ever come back to your home if she quits PT.

We did this to MIL, telling her she'd be in Nursing Home if she wouldn't exercise for rehab there. It woke her up. She exercised, and one of her sons took her nearby to an AL he owned, since his home had stairs. It was an acceptable solution for all.

Few years ago my Mum stopped cooking & reduced her housework to smaller shorter tasks. Depression? Start of dementia? Laziness?

Last year had a TIA (mini stroke) then a big stroke. Vascular problems found. Not enough oxygen getting to her brain - suggestion that silent TIAs & micro bleeds had been going on. A'ha! no O2 - no attention span!

My Dad especially has been so frustrated, as you are, as he can see she needs to do more & this is the only way to recover from the stroke. He hated nagging, she hated his nagging. But he won't give up.

He found funding from senior services for more physio. She really needs 1:1 attention to do the physio. They go something like 5-6 x fortnight. Slowly it has become part of their morning routine at home. while this is increasing her strength, unfortunately it has not prompted her to do more for herself (within her limits). Her 89 yr old sister drives, cooks, cleans but she just can't - her brain just doesn't work that way anymore. She's 76.

Has your Mother had a good checkup lately? Just to check/rule out depression or other medical problems?

Yep. I hear you. And then I turn into a nag. My mom is now getting to the angry stage too. I understand that when things/life does fit together/behave like it used to and it's annoying/infuriating. So there's another layer of behavior change to deal with.
UUUGGGGHHHH!

I can understand what you’re saying. My mother will not help herself in various ways. I have found it to be very frustrating when I want the best for her, but she refuses to try a bit more. I cannot tell you the number of doctor appointments that I have made with her request and then she will not go - appointments that I have to cancel, reschedule and juggle.

For example: I tried years ago to help mom see that if she SITS all day she is going to become weaker and weaker. When she gets to a point where she can’t get up and down on her own, we will be forced into putting her into a nursing home. I can now see her struggling to get out of a chair, etc.

There are other examples that I could include here. Bottom line, I think it is rough to deal with caregiving, especially when the person being cared for does not cooperate.

Best wishes.

My husband is in rehab because he kept falling. He just wants to sit in his chair because he doesn’t want to make an effort to walk. He couldn’t get to the bathroom without falling. He doesn’t need to come home. He won’t exercise. If he doesn’t come home he will get himself kicked out. I cannot do it anymore either. They do this to themselves. Just live your life. I have no guilt I did my best for 10 years.

Don't ask her to do the PT. TELL HER - time for PT!! And "you get a donut after you have done them." I know that this sounds silly, but you're on your last nerve.

"She repeats herself a lot, gets overwhelmed with financial and other decisions..."

This statement brings concern, esp since you say she still drives. That's exactly what clued me in. Seems fine, can muster up for a bit in front of others, but the repetition and making mistakes with her finances, I started looking for answers and the answer was DEMENTIA. When we took the car and had to help with shopping, I discovered she also wasn't able to cook anymore.

We all get senior moments, a little more as we age, but this is different. Mistakes in finances is one thing, we all make mistakes, but when it's more than just little, worry. Repeating oneself happens too, but when the same thing is repeated or asked multiple times in a short time span, you should be considering dementia.

With dementia there are changes in perception. What some have called apathy may be perception related. They think they are fine. They think they have done this task. They think they are capable. My mother has declined more since the initial stages and when I showed her a picture of her, me and my daughter, she asked who 'those girls' are, meaning us and pointed at the pic of herself and asked if it was Nana (her mother!) She doesn't believe she is 96. She doesn't recognize herself in pictures. She repeats SO much more now! It is something you have to learn to live with (fortunately I never lived with her/her with me, it was only during visits/doc appts.) She also became self-isolated. More often she would find excuse not to join her friends at the Senior Center for activities and free food. She would try to cancel appts (would write it down but didn't follow through, thankfully, since I would drive 1.5 hrs to pick her up!)

Another common mistake we make is trying to convince them of something, or argue with them. If she has dementia, this is an exercise in futility! If she really wants to join you when visiting your daughter, she has to commit to working on strength. Statement of fact - either you work for it or you can't go. End of discussion, even if she tries to argue with you. Walk away. Tune her out. Leave if you have to.

"I saw that I have done way too much for her for way too long. And I have stopped."
It's the best thing you could do. Although it may be too late to get her 'going', it's better not to do things for her in order to keep her active and mobile. Sometimes rather than asking if she wants to do X or go to Y, just make it a statement - Com'on we're going {here} or to do {this}.

"I just see the future and I HATE what I see. "
Well, unless something changes in her, it is what it is. There's no point to hating it or feeling guilty, as that won't change anything. You have to make the decision as to what is best for you and her. If it means going to a facility, so be it. You could present this to her saying that physically you can't help her anymore, so it is her choice to either work on getting stronger or understand that she will have to move. Again, no discussion. Statement of facts, these are your choices.

"Do I have to be OK with her lack of activity which will lead her to continue to decline?
No, but it might be best to accept it. You can make a concerted effort to get her on board, giving her the choices to make, work for it or not. If not, then again, it is what it is. They ordered PT for mom after some simple falls and refusal to stand/walk (partly fear of falling), but she refused to work with them. Nothing. At my last visit, the nurse told me that when they were helping her up, she had one of those rare glimmers of thought when she said she needed to walk or would lose the ability! Unfortunately, with dementia those thoughts are usually fleeting and nothing will come of it.

"How can I not be disgusted with her lousy attitude?"
By just letting it go. We can't change others, only our reactions to what they do/don't do.

No guilt. No remorse. No arguing. Give her choices and see how it goes.