Mom will be 88 in a few weeks. Believes she has a fiancé that she talks through the tv. Leaves him notes.

Recently bought a new car - hasn't driven in at least 3 years. Decided she wanted a special gift for her fiancé and spent upwards of $3,000.00. Bought herself a braclet and pendant - diamonds. Bought gifts he told her she would be better at picking out -$800.00 + necklace, 7 pairs of earrings and clothing for him. Now wants to buy a suit for him and her for the wedding.

Gets agitated when I do not see him or his Aunt in the house.

Have tried talking to her Dr. but am constantly thrown under the bus.

I have one sibling that lives far away - and says it is too stressful to help take care of her if my husband and I want to go away.

A facility is out of the question. She does not want strangers in the house.

My husband comes to her house once a week for dinner and I take her to our house one day a week

I have lived with my parents 24/7 before my Dad died over a year I was his primary caregiver and am still there with my Mom who does not feel safe alone.

Any suggestions would be helpful.

Thank You for Listening.

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Are you her financial POA? If not, you need to speak with a lawyer that deals with the elderly ASAP. If she hasn’t driven in 3 years, how did she purchase a car? Is she driving again? If so, I would disable that car immediately. Is she buying the other stuff on line or through TV ads?
How does her doctor “throw you under the bus”? Has she actually been diagnosed with dementia?
This is not a good situation for your marriage, obviously. If she was in her right mind, she would probably agree with that. You need to start taking steps to get your life back.
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Washedout, who is the financial Power of Attorney for your Mom? It is time for that person to step up and slowly start taking over Mom's finances. That is if Mom will allow that. I knew it was time for me to take over as POA for my Dad's finances as he was thinking the bills sent to house were junk mail... oops.

It is very common for an elder not to want strangers in the house. My Mom was the same way. And that literally was her downfall.

As for the unreal fiancé... it's a good distraction for your Mom, except for the spending she is doing. Who is taking her shopping? Or is she back on the road in her new car? Can any of the items she purchased be returned by you? The items for the fiancé, you can use a therapeutic fib and say he stopped by the house and picked the items up.
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I just want to be sure I’m understanding the logistics correctly...

You are living with your mother full-time and your husband is living at a separate residence?

If if this is correct - can I ask how long you’ve been married? And if it’s not too personal - how is your husband dealing with this set up?

Sorry to pry - but I think the state of your marriage could impact the speed and urgency in how to best address the situation with your mother.
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If you are not her P.O.A., then you will need a lawyer to help you apply for emergency guardianship for her.
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She needs to see a new doctor, one who specializes in older people-geriatric, and have her evaluated for dementia. Tell the doctor ahead of the appointment what you have told us. I sure hope you are her durable and medical P O A. She is out of touch with reality and needs serious help. At this point, it is what she needs for her safety and care matters more than if she likes it.
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