Hello, I am sending my regards to all of you caring for a beloved one. It is a tough job that takes a lot of heart and soul.

For the past several years, my elderly mother (94) shows signs of mild dementia (on and off) requiring tremendous efforts from us (husband and myself), as she needs to be supported in most daily functions.

As her "LAST WISH" she wanted to travel overseas and see my sibling and her grandchildren. He (sibling) has financial problems and the only way he can have her, is to have access to her savings. (I've been covering her full expenses, so she's been saving her money for years).

After her persistence, we arranged for her to travel with family friends. But her stay of 2 days now is difficult already.

On day 1 of her arrival, my brother requested her savings account information, whereas she was loud about not wishing to give him her money. He considers that we knew his problematic financial status, and takes these savings for granted. At the same time, although I warned her, my mom was not prepared to see my brother's neediness, and somehow conditional invitation (you can stay as long as i am reimbursed).

SO here is the problem: mom mentioned she wants to come back to me, as she cannot be independent in her own home, and he cannot afford to take her to all the nice places she wants e.g. daily excursions, visits to friends etc. unless she pays him.


Brother is not happy to give her back to me, as she is his source of income. I suspect he intends to keep her, as every time I ask her where she wants to stay, he will either turn up the tv volume to make our telecon impossible, or he won't answer the phone for several times when I call.

On one hand I don't blame him for not being able to afford her demands.

On the other hand, I've been working REALLY hard to afford her demands, with little appreciation or understanding from family.


Question 1: should I bring her back to me, if she tells me she's not well there?

Question 2: do I have the legal right to take her from brother? Among her immigration documents, she included a letter saying she wants to be with me till the end of her life.


Whatever she decides, my support is for granted: I have been supporting her financially for decades now ( i am middle-aged), and both mom and siblings (15 years older than me) expect me to keep on supporting her, no matter if she is with me or with them.

Her friends tell me that since she changes her mind from one day to another, we cannot win, as she can keep on changing her mind once i bring her here with me.

This all feels like a scary voyage to the unknown.

Any advise on what to do PLEASE?

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First, I understand that theres a different culture involved here. If Mom was able to save money, why did you feel you needed to send her money. To me, your siblings are going to end up reaping the rewards of moms savings and they didn't put a penny in.

I read your last post but not the replies. You took care of Mom for 20 yrs. Now let someone else do it. She has Dementia and she isn't going to get better. Brother should have access to her money because he is now caring for her. I know its going to be hard but you have to say, I am done. I did my part, its now his turn or the other siblings. Its their mother too. I think Mom got a little spoiled. Its not fair to brother to be expected to do everything she wants with no money. He has children who should come before Mom. Mom is no longer the center. He has responsibility to a wife.

Your Mom is 90 with Dementia. Its not going to get better. I am surprised she hasn't had problems adjusting to being "home" after years being in the US. I would leave her there at this point. But thats a decision you r going to have to make. Are u ready for a fight if ur brother won't let her come back?

I get the impression you r well off so that is the reason siblings feel you can support Mom. Can you continue to send brother something? I saw u have no POA so you can't release her savings. What about the house. Can't sell it without her

I would profusely thank those family members being willing to take Mom with them. I personally would not have wanted that responsibility.
Helpful Answer (2)

I support her because I love her. And because I believe in karma and the law of retribution.
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Ahmijoy Aug 2018
I don’t remember what I wrote word for word, but I do remember that I personally advised against sending someone your mother’s age and temperament on that journey. I asked if you were sure Brother and his family knew what he was getting into and would be able to take care of her. You mentioned nothing about Brother using Mother as a Cash Cow. You didn’t know? It sounds like this entire venture was a shot in the dark.

We are a very very diverse group of posters here. Every post gets differing answers as we all have different experiences. It’s the chance you take to tap into these resources here. In the end, you need to do what you feel is best and hope that it works. Unfortunately in this case, it didn’t. Brother is stealing from Mom, Mom is sick and wants to come home. She wanted to die at Brother’s house with her grandchildren around. Now she wants to come home to die in your house as she says

You need to do what you feel is right, Blue Cypress. If you fear Karma and retribution if you don’t let Mom run the show, more power to you. Seriously. We all expect a pat on the back from some higher source for being wonderful kids and/or caregivers. In your case, I hope it happens.
I believe we answered your earlier post that we thought this might happen. We advised against shipping Mom overseas, but you did anyway. We predicted it wouldn’t work to send her all the way to live with your brother. It didn’t.

Not to be harsh, but it’s difficult to advise someone who asks for input and then disregards it. What happens if Mom decides she wants to go back to Brother? If you do or say something that doesn’t please her, will you send her back to Brother AGAIN?

For legal matters, you need to consult an attorney. If your mother isn’t well, she’s now Brother’s responsibility. I’m certain there are doctors where she is. You can’t bring her back just to take her to the doctor. Remember, he was very enthusiastic to have her come live with him. Let her stay there until her money runs out. Or, bring her back and then in a few weeks send her back overseas when she wants to go because she wants to die overseas. Up to you.
Helpful Answer (1)
BlueCypress Aug 2018
Ahmijoy, during the last 2 weeks I posted two questions with similar content. I kept the answers on these two posts as they were very contradictory. Half of the people were saying I should send her there and live my life with hubby here, and the other half were saying I should keep her here.
Both posts had some very harsh criticism. Now you are saying I didn't listen to you, but you didn't notice the mixed messages I got. Maybe some people enjoy venting, and they'd criticize anyways, no matter what I did ???
Yes. I didn't understand that when you posted about this in an earlier thread.

I'd say that your mother owes you for all that you've paid on her behalf for decades. Why did you do this?

Isn't it your turn to enjoy life without the "tremendous effort" required to take care of her?
Helpful Answer (2)

Why are you supporting her? Let's start there.
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