How long do I have to emotionally support someone who is severely grieving? It has been a year.

I think your mother in law has it exactly the way she wants it and for her, it can stay that way - but for you, it must be very hard.
Firstly you need to make it clear to your husband that this can't carry on. Tricky because MAYBE it has already gone on a bit too long and makes me wonder if he is frightened of offending his mother?
It is also more difficult to change long standing arrangements without giving a clear reason. So be clear and consistant. The baby comes first, your marriage has to take precedent and you have been kind enough. Reduce the amount of contact and if your husband insists then let him go there on his own with the intention of weabing her off.
Good luck.

A year doing this is about 11 1/2 months more than I would have done.
You are not out of line wanting your life back to normalcy.
Mom should look into Assisted Living or Independent Living, which ever is appropriate. She will have more stimulation, more activities to keep her occupied.
You do not give a lot of details as to any physical problems or if she has dementia. So if she is of sound mind I would start letting her find herself, we all grieve. It is possible that having people around all the time it is delaying the dealing with being by herself.
If she is not of sound mind I would begin looking for Memory Care or AL with the knowledge that she will have to transition to MC.

This question falsely combines two completely separate issues.

1. How long would we anticipate MIL grieving when her mother and her husband died two weeks apart last year (not necessarily a year ago, note)?

2. What role is it reasonable for the OP to take in supporting MIL through the process? - bearing in mind that at the moment she and her husband contribute by staying 3-4 days a week at MIL's unkempt home, with a small baby, and the OP is looking ahead to her return to paid employment.

1. A lot longer than this.
2. Open to negotiation and discussion, and especially it is very important to talk openly with MIL and other family members about what support is really helpful to MIL and what is possibly not helping at all.

The OP is not being selfish, she is being practical and attempting to set boundaries that will accommodate all of the important people: her baby, her husband, her employer, her MIL - and I don't see why the list shouldn't also feature the OP herself, writ just as large.

A year? And she has to leave to rotate with daughters? You got pregnant there, go home!

Couldn't your husband just go stay with her in those times? And if you wanted to, then you could just go occassionally. That way you could spend more time with your baby and home. I know when my MIL was living with my husbands sister, I would only go occassionally. Because I had a young son and worked full time. Also because it was a few hours away. My husband was alright with it, that way it gave him mother/son time together.

I AM 68, and my mother is 88. As an in-law, whatever you do will never be right or enough. I have SIX sisters-in-law.
(And please don't get guilt tripped into letting MIL move in with you.)

My mother lives in a beautiful senior building with lots of activities but refuses to even go down to the vending machine and calls me when she runs out of diet coke. (Even two weeks after my knee replacement surgery.) I intervened when I saw her starting to call my daughter who is a single mom who works two jobs.

We can't put a time limit on the grief of others, but MIL should be encouraged to do all of the things suggested here. My aunt has eight children and had 10 brothers and sisters. My uncle died 18 years ago and people still stay with her.

Focus on your family. Children at those young ages need your time, energy and attention. You need time to rest. Motherhood, though wonderful, is exhausting, especially when you work outside if the home. DO YOU.

Your MIL may need more time and professional help to work through her grieving, but there is no reason for you and your husband (and his siblings) to be supporting her to the degree you describe. Grieving does not mean a person cannot live alone.. Is your MIL afraid to live alone? Is she incompetent to manage her own affairs?

If she cannot live alone, help her move into a senior living facility appropriate to her needs. Help her find a Grief Support Group or professional counseling.. The current amount of "support" she is receiving from her children is not helpful and is unrealistic.

You are not being selfish in wanting to focus on your own child and home.





If she is emotionally unstable b/c of her two recent losses, encoura.

People grieve in different ways and on different timetables. The day my father died, my mother was cleaning out his closet and giving away his tools. But that fit her personality. She found some peace in being active and doing something practical.

On the other hand, when my MIL died, my SIL fell apart so badly that she didn’t enter the family home for 3 years. It has now been 10 years and the estate still isn’t settled because she keeps dragging her feet. Unfortunately, her husband (an attorney) is the executor and won’t rock the boat. Neither my husband nor his one brother will confront her. The one brother that did is now not speaking to anyone in the family except my husband.

So support your MIL emotionally, but the overnight stays need to stop. She needs to learn how to re-enter society and become more independent. If she is unable to live alone, it may be time for a move to IL or AL.

I’m glad she has a therapist. She may also need a short term antidepressant. But it sounds like her kids are too involved with her at this stage of grief. Really it’s overkill and she should be beginning to reach out to others that she previously had relationships with. At 68, my age btw, is not old and I am involved with several different groups, between church, book club, the gym etc., I have activities to help me feel a part of something. It sounds as though she is being over protected by her children and that is not normal for healthy grieving and moving forward. I think it would be wise to have a family conference so to speak.
You are a young family and need to be at home with your new baby. I hope you can convince your husband.

A year is long enough. Grief can "chain" the soul of the deceased to Earth. The soul must be free to move on to the Afterlife. Tell you loved one to let go, to release those she loved. Grief is negative energy. It harms her, and it harms the souls of those she loves. Instead of grieving, she must be grateful for the time she had with them. She can honor them by lighting a candle in their memory, or having a vase of flowers. With time, she will find moments of joy again in life. Eventually those moments will become longer and longer. Joy can even become a way of life for her again.

How old is she? If she isn’t ready for a retirement or nursing home, there is no reason to still be staying there. As far as her dirty house, can’t everybody pitch in and clean it? She about her go to a senior place. My mother always liked. They would play cards and have lunch together and there was a pool table. Also, they would take one trips. You need to speak to your husband about it. He can stay there without you if he insist on being there.
My husband died at home and I did have somebody with me for three nights but after that I stayed alone.

When my husband died after 37 years of marriage, my children and I was devastated. It took 5 years and mental health counseling, and an anti-depressant to finally feel better.

I have a friend from church whose husband died early this year. She has several daughters who are taking turns bringing her to church & sitting with her. She recently confided, with a chuckle, that she'd be fine by herself and doesn't need all this taking care of. She lets them do it because it may satisfy some need THEY have.

Emotional support 💜 - or emotional, social, practical & financial support? To me it appears closer to complete support.

Great repsonces regarding the grief issue 🐘. A double loss, very sad indeeed. I too wonder if MIL has had the chance to be alone enough to adjust to her new life?

Question is: does she want to? What's her motivation like to become an independent, lively widdow? Or has she given up - resigned to sit down & let family do all.

12 months is often an accepted time-frame to make changes after a big loss.

You & your DH's family have given your MIL this wonderful gift of support for this whole time.

Maybe the next gift is to encourage MIL to take charge of her life again. Either to fly solo or land in an assisted living (if that is preferred).

Step back. Detach with love. Step back into your own life.

You should be given a pass to not need to stay. You do enough as a working mom.
Perhaps she feels afraid with no other person at the home, especially at night.
Or she is lonely.
Perhaps a pet would help her?
No one should have to be the emotional support for another person, although we can care and help. But there needs to be other resources for her to get through her grief ( no one gets "over it")
Perhaps an assisted living community with a communty room and travel with others programs there?

Some people get stuck in certain stages of grief. That doesn’t mean that they have a right to impose their desires on others.

There are parents who have used grief as an excuse and they try to manipulate their children to do what they want. Has your mother in law always been an overly needy type of person? I know a woman who lost her spouse in 2009 and she tries to manipulate everyone. She is always boo hooing about something and loves to lay a guilt trip on everyone but especially her grown children who lead very busy lives. Her children don’t fall for it.

When my father died, no one moved in with my mom. Mom didn’t expect that from us. I did help her with bringing her to appointments and errands because she could no longer drive, due to seizures and Parkinson’s disease. At that time she still cooked and cleaned her own house.

I can’t imagine living at my mom’s home at that time with my two young daughters for part of the week. My mom later moved in with us. That’s a whole other story!

Of course, you want a clean environment for your children. You have gone above and beyond supporting your husband and his mom. Does she have major health issues or is the primary issue grieving the loss of her husband? I feel it is certainly time for her to be on her own or hire someone to help her. Do you think she would join a support group for widows?

Would downsizing help her? She could hire a housekeeper.

Losing a spouse is a significant loss. I am sure that she is devastated. Is this your mother in law’s idea to be with her, your husband’s idea or his sisters? I certainly hope they don’t want this to continue indefinitely. Your mother in law isn’t even 70! This could last a long time!

Tell your husband that it’s important that mom starts to live independently and that your family needs to resume your life in your own home. I wonder if his sisters are hoping that mom will get back to life on her own too. It is nice that they share the responsibility of caring for their mom.

You can visit his mom. She can visit you.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

Your husbands family has suffered two losses. I’m sorry.

Since it has been a year and MIL is not able to stay alone, I think it is safe to say that this plan isn’t working.

People can grieve for a very long time but it is important not to get stuck. Her grief can’t come before your own family.

Thank goodness she didn’t move in with you.

Good for you on being clear that your 7 yr old comes first on the weekends. Now it’s time to do the same for the baby and yourself. You have given up your privacy through your entire pregnancy. You have more than compromised.

If the sisters think their mother needs someone there, they will need to step up. You can’t decide for them but you have to be responsible for your own family.

Perhaps MIL could benefit from a part time job of her own?
She is too young to stop living her life.

You are not being selfish. You are being the voice of reason.
If it feels too abrupt to just stop, then ask DH for him to stay 3 nights the first week, then 2 nights the next week and then 1 night the third week or some such tapering off. It's clear you are not insensitive to her situation but some next step is in order.

The family may be enabling the Mom not to move on. As to supporting an elder, this is money you will badly need for your own elder years, and it takes a lifetime of saving to be safe in your elder years. Visits and helping out with grocery trips is great, but to be there all the time is saying you WILL be there all the time. This is difficult loss, and your MIL would likely benefit from support group for grieving. Your husband may be spreading himself thin; I would suggest counseling. A new baby and this grieving process has given you quite a hurdle, and it would help you to talk this out with a mediator, and the ability to openly express your thought.

I know everyone grieves differently. But I do think that those who have lost a spouse need to learn to be alone. If MILs age is correct 68 then she is not old. She is still young enough to get involved. If she is 68 then Mom had to be in late 80s or early 90s. She lived a good long life. Personally, I would not want to go to a different house every week. IMO, its time for MIL to be left alone. Start backing off. You are doing her no favor in hovering. You will be creating more problems as time goes on. Invite her over for dinner. A movie night. Take her to McDonalds with the kids. There are 4 children. Each have her over one night for dinner and send her home with leftovers. She needs to now establish a new life.

You, she is ur MIL who has 4 kids. You have a perfect reason to bow out. A baby and a job. Think ur going to have a period of adjustment here. At least 10 hrs a day is going to be getting you and baby up, fedand dressed. Drop off a Daycare, work, pick baby up and then home to...cook a meal? So we r looking at 7 or later when u can finally sit down. Oh not really...u now have to get baby ready for bed. By the time you get that done, ur ready for bed. Weekends, your focus should be on the 7 year old. So I see nowhere in there that you can care for MIL. Do the sister's husbands help out. If not, why should you because you are a woman. I think you will have enough on your plate.

And why are u helping MIL financially? Yes, her SS has been cut down. But are there things she can cut down on? House too big, then clean it up and sell it. Use the proceeds to offset the rent on an apartment. When a spouse dies there is loss of income. You have to adjust to a new lifestyle. I see it all the time. The widows sell the home and move into an apt with no upkeep and love it.

You can disable your MIL, by doing for her what she is very capable of doing on her own. I suggest finding her a grief support group. Our Church has one so ask around.

I don't think that people grieve well when they have a lot of company. I think a short term support system of folks around and then being alone allows people to get in touch with their emotions.

Has your MIL joined a grief support group?

Has she previously experienced depression? Is she in touch with her PCP, therapist or other health care professional about her depression and grief?

How is your husband doing? Is HE grieving and seeking the support of his mom in that?

I would absolutely say that it's time for you all to go home and get back to living your life as your own family unit. If mom needs support, it needs to be intermittent and professional.

You may find that Mom thinks she's doing this for all of you rather than the other way around. It's time for a family meeting with everyone to sort this out.

No you're not being selfish. You're just wanting your life back in your own home. It's now been over a year, since your MIL lost her husband. It's time that she now figure out her life on her own. It is not healthy for her(or you)to be so dependent on her children.
You need to have a heart to heart with your husband, and share what you've shared here. He needs to be putting you and your child before his mom. And yes, I agree, your child needs to be able to stay in a clean environment.
It's now time for mom to spread her wings to fly on her own, and start getting involved with folks her own age. She may actually find that she enjoys having the house to herself. But if she's never given the chance to find out, how will she ever know that?
Perhaps instead of you guys going to stay with her, you can compromise and tell her that she can come stay with you once a month for 1/2 a week. Now please note that I didn't say she could come every week, but only 1/2 week once a month. And I only suggest this if a compromise must be made. Otherwise, I would stop the back and forth completely. Again it's time for your MIL to start rebuilding her life. She will never be able to do that if her family keeps enabling her not to. You might have to use some tough love here. Wishing you the best.

Why are you staying there at all? I imagine she is depressed but is she getting any help or just relying on her children to keep her entertained, etc.? I would stop staying there ASAP. Maybe she needs meds and therapy. How do the other siblings feel about this?

Can you hire a housecleaner for a few times a month? Can one of the sisters take over the half week stay, and you pick up the weekend shift ?