Along with that I have 4 useless siblings who work and I don't so I take her to all her appt ...she calls my husband and I for everything although all her children live 30 minutes away..When I addressed concerns last week about my Mom needing more care my sister advised me that rumor had it that " I was having a meltdown".. and since I go away for 4 days every other weekend I should be available 24/7 when I am here. I am furious about their comments. I am having health problems because of this...ugh..

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So, don’t be there for 24/7 care. Enough is enough!

Put the monkey on their back for a change. I guarantee they won’t be available for her 24/7.

Just tell siblings that you are through. You’ve done your share. See how that flies.

Good luck!!!
Helpful Answer (3)

As Beatty always says here "There will be no solutions as long as YOU are all the solutions". You are basically co-ing your mother in her expectations that you will always be there. If you cannot/are not willing to be you will need to inform her of this. Do consider informing your other family that you have your own health issues now and will not be able to be there for your Mom as you have been. There is no need to argue or discuss of describe this. It is a simple statement. You will be met with rage ("But I COUNT on you, you are the only one who will do this for me") and when you are apologize and tell them that you are sorry you can no longer be there for them to this extent.
As to your siblings, you cannot change others; it is a waste of time to try. You can only advocate for yourself. If your Mom needs more care than she can arrange on her own she may need to go into care at this time.
Helpful Answer (3)

I don't see where a walker is going to help with lower back pain. If not adjusted right, it could cause more problems. I have arthritis in my back. TG I don't need meds for it, just a bother. But have been told it will worsen as I age and may give me big problems. I also have bulging disk problems in the same area and it can be very painful. Steroids helped. I think you need to get Mom to the doctor to find out what is causing her the pain. Before you consider her lazy.
And she calls you because you probably don't give her excuses why you can't do it. And, you are entitled to take those days off. They could do it too if they want, they just choose to work for whatever reason. 24/7 is not your responsibility just because you don't work. So it looks like its between you and Mom. If she refuses to get the help she needs do what she needs to, move to somewhere where she gets care, thats all on her. I would make sure she assigns someone DPOA. But you may have to just let the chips fall. Do not allow anyone to put a guilt trip on you you are not her only child and cannot make her do what she does not want to.

Now your siblings, learn to ignore them. It reminds me of working women vs women who chose to stay home and raise their children so they have all the time in the world. You have the time to be Moms help. I worked and was "it" out of 3. So it does go both ways.
Helpful Answer (1)

She doesn't want to get better. You're doing for her, so why would she want to do anything PT says? You've already got her covered. Same goes for siblings. You're doing it all, so no need for them to help.

My husband's grandmother was in memory care and had a roommate who was mentally fine but unable to walk. Her daughter visited often. As we were both leaving, we were chatting. She said her mother had hip surgery and then refused to do PT. Because of that, mother was bedridden.

I soon figured out why. She had visitors most every evening. And they would fuss over her. Bringing her treats, asking if she'd like a magazine, can I fluff your pillow, etc. She LOVED the attention. Just sat there, smirking happily, like she was the queen bee, expecting them to spoil her. She chose to be permanently bedridden in exchange for being fawned and cooed over.

That situation might be applicable to your situation? Your mother may see no reason to use the walker if she knows you're going to swoop in and take care of her. She calls your husband because he's an extension of you.

If she uses the walker, it may make her a bit more independent. And that means less being done for her. In her mind, anyway. Just a guess. So... it's time to tell Mom that if she refuses the walker, then she will have to do assisted living. If she wants someone on call 24/7 for her, that's where she needs to be. I'm guessing she won't like that idea. Siblings might not either. When they balk at the suggestion, inform them that they will have to step up and help mother if they don't want her in a facility. You may indeed be having a meltdown (and rightfully so!), and your siblings seem fine with sitting back and watching it happen.

It sounds like your siblings all set boundaries, and you did not. I don't say that to put you down. It's just that people tend to think that women who don't have a job just spend their days lazing about the house and watching soap operas. Your siblings may think you don't have anything else taking up your time, so why would you not do it all for Mom? The siblings guarded their time with "I work all day so I deserve to have nights and weekends to myself." Your time got left wide open. And when the one who had no boundaries starts making boundaries, the others do not like it one bit.

I'm in a similar boat. Husband and I both work, but we don't have kids. I can't tell you how many family members think we can do anything at the drop of a hat. Or drive from house to house in one day each and every holiday, because "it's not like you have kids to haul around". We aren't allowed to be tired, stressed, or worried, because we don't have kids and thus have no clue what it truly means to feel those things. I could work a 12-hour shift in a coal mine and still be told "wait til you have kids, you don't know what tired is!".

... oops, went on a slight tangent there, sorry. But I get where you're coming from.
Helpful Answer (2)
SnoopyLove Jun 2021
“I could work a 12-hour shift in a coal mine...”

We could NOT get mother to do her post surgery PT once the PTherapist was 'gone'. She'd slowly slump back into the C curve she had become used to.

I walked to PT to his car on his last visit and asked him if mother would be able to stand up straight from now on and he replied "she will not do a single exercise ever again. Those exercise bands will rot to nothingness. Don't hold out your hopes." He was right.

She'd had all the surgeries the dr would do on her, and she progressively got worse and worse. She is bent in half and cannot lift her head. Complians of pain all day long, but b/c she began falling when they gave her anything for pain, the won't allow her to have anything stronger than Tylenol, which is useless.

I really do feel sorry for her. She's 91 now and will probably live to 100. She can ONLY walk with a walker. Can't take a single step without it.

IF she had done her PT, she would probably only need a cane.

I'm sitting here writing this and actively pulling my shoulders back into 'perfect posture'.
Helpful Answer (4)

Who prescribed physical therapy -- her PCP, or an orthopedist who has diagnosed the source of the pain with an MRI?

As someone who was practically paralyzed at times by lower back pain from ages 32 through 45, I ask that you not be too hard on your mother if she hasn't been properly diagnosed. She may have spinal stenosis, a badly herniated disk, osteoporosis, or any number of other issues, all of which involve compressed nerves that cause a level of pain unlike any other.

Please take her to an orthopedist if you haven't. Like a fool, I didn't go to one for 14 years (I went to chiropractors instead), and four days after I saw him my disk ruptured and sent me into surgery.
Helpful Answer (4)

Working a job to support yourself is useless?
Helpful Answer (3)

Mom's and PT don't always do well together. Not in my personal experience anyways. Maybe your mom is being stubborn re not using the advised walker? Is she doing the exercises PT tells her do X times a day? My mom wouldn't do her exercises hardly ever. So annoying.

I can totally get being furious over your siblings comments. I think you are doing too much and are feeling a bit used and abused. So, if you go away 4 out of 14 days, you are supposed to do EVERYTHING the other 10? Hmmmm. Makes life "easy" for the siblings but it's totally unfair of them to expect that of you. Kind of hypocritical - they refuse to do it but think you should be more available? Not.

They are used to you doing it all, your mom included. Sit down and figure what, if anything, you don't mind doing. The things that you really dislike most, cut them out first. If you feel mom needs more care, is she able to help arrange that or will it be up to you to do that? Find someone to start filling in the gaps ASAP so you can get more of your time back to live your life as you wish to.
Helpful Answer (5)

Your siblings are not useless because the have jobs and will not provide care to Mum. They are setting boundaries and that is ok.

You also do not have to provide care to Mum. It is not your responsibility either. There is no rule that the sibling who does not work outside of the home has to be the care provider.

You are also allowed to be burnt out, have a melt down or otherwise find it too much to provide 24/7 care.

So you need to look at all the options available. Has a needs assessment been done for Mum? Is she eligible for home support? Does she need residential care?

We are each responsible for arranging for our own aging and care needs. It is not the responsibility of our children to provide care. If the children choose to help, it has to be on their terms.

What are your terms?

Have you researched other options got Mum to get to appointments? Does she need as many as she is currently taking? Here in BC prescriptions for chronic conditions are generally done in 3 month blocks, so every 3 months you have to go for a check up and get another RX. My former mil was on several RX's and they all had different renewal dates, so she was off to the doctor every 2 weeks or so.

I talked to the nurse at the clinic and her pharmacist and had all her RX's renew at the same time. That took the doctor's visits down to once every 3 months.

I arranged for grocery delivery and then I was no longer on the hook for that either.

There are ways to lighten your load, but it might take some research.
Helpful Answer (10)
Beatty Jun 2021
Great advice ⭐⭐⭐

Responsibilities &
Boundaries - time to re-set them & make a new plan.
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