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Mom lives with me, I need to retire, sell and downsize to survive financially.

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It sounds like ultimately you will be doing what is best for both of you. Your mom lives with you, she needs care that you can no longer provide. You can feel loving from that place, take the action to help her find a new place to live, and you can then take care of yourself knowing you did the best you could! Hugs and strength!
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Reply to Mort1221
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It becomes not what they want but what they need. You have already done what you could over the years probably sacrificing for Mom. You can't do it any longer. Your Mom needs to realize ur a Senior taking care of a Senior. Your health is such, you no longer can give her the care she needs. Not without it effecting ur health. So, start looking for a nice home and if money is the problem start the Medicaid application.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You've gotten some great advice here. I just wanted to add that it's time for you to look after yourself and your health now, at 72. And you've taken care of your mom for long enough now, with her being 96, it's time for others to do the care giving. She will be fine in her new environment and you'll be happy you downsized. You are an amazing daughter to have done all you have for so long!
All the best of luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Newfiemom Oct 15, 2019
Thank you. I don't feel amazing She belittles me all the time and hates me and wishes I'd die. She always had narcissistic traits and it's getting worse.. I feel guilty for having to get to a place where I can't care for her but you are right. Thank you for your comments
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You have determined that selling your house and downsizing is the sensible thing to do. Kudos to you because too many people hold on for too long until they have run out of options and then decisions are made for them. Your profile says that you're finding it more difficult to care for your mom too.

Does she have friends who are living in a senior community?

It's your house. You don't need permission to sell your home, downsize and retire. Start by hiring a realtor. Getting a realtor will make it real. Make finding your mother new living arrangements that work for both of you as much of a priority as getting your house ready for sale. What can she afford?

I would keep the conversation matter of fact, something like: "Mom, I've decided that in # months I want to retire and have hired a realtor to sell my house. I want you to know that we have plenty of time to get you settled in a new place. We have made many good memories here and I'm selling this house while those memories are still good. I've gone over the numbers, and there are # retirement communities that fit the budget. We have appointments to go see them next week."

It's not an easy conversation to have. It's not a one-time conversation either. You need to stick to your message and keep saying the same thing over and over again to anything your mother says that tries to derail you from your decision to sell your house, retire and downsize.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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Newfiemom Oct 14, 2019
Thank you. I know this won't be easy for her or for me. I have tried to hold on to my home for many years beyond d what I could afford to keep her comfortable but it's getting hard and if I dont retire, medical problems will force me. Without work I cant afford my house
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I think there may be two separate issues here: (1) your need to downsize in order to retire and (2) your need to convince Mom to move into a care environment.

Have you identified somewhere you want to move into and there's just not enough room for Mom? Would you want to continue caring for Mom if you had enough space and some help? Or have your own issues reached the point you can no longer meet your mother's needs?

If you haven't already, I strongly suggest you contact your Area Agency on Aging (AAA) and see what services are available. Perhaps with bathing assistance, adult day care, and/or some in home care hours, you would to able to continue caring for Mom in your home if you prefer. Alternatively, AAA may be able to find a facility your Mom would like, maybe an AL instead of a NH. AAA may also be able to help you find an affordable apartment.

Older people worry about being abandoned and your mother may see NH placement as a form of abandonment. Reassure your mother NH placement is for her safety and direct care needs; that you wish you could continue to care for her in your home but that your own aging and finances are making that very difficult; that you will visit her often in NH and make sure she receives good care.
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Reply to TNtechie
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Newfiemom Oct 14, 2019
I am 72, mom is 96. Medical problems are starting to creep into my life and I am finding it difficult togive her the attention and care she needs. As ard as it will be I can't see another way. I am exhausted and sick. I just had surgery and day two I was up cooking for her. Which I wasnt supposed to be, but she needed to eat. If I dont work, I wont financially be able to keep my house. I have to sell to survive
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Does your mother need full time medical care? Or would she benefit from being in an Assisted Living facility?

Saying "mom, I can't do this anymore" is hard. But clearly, it has to be done.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Newfiemom Oct 14, 2019
She cannot live on her own. I have a call in to a home care dr to come and evaluate her so I have some idea.
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Is your mother able to comprehend your situation? Does she need the care of a nursing home or could she move to her own apartment? If she can understand that you are no longer able to care for her, honesty is the best policy.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Newfiemom Oct 14, 2019
No she could not live on her own. I have medical problems that have come up and it is ore and more difficult for me to care for her and myself. She is 96cand I am 72. Financially I cant keep my house once I retire or risk losing it after all the years I've struggled to keep it.
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