My 89 yo mom has left her home to move in with my sister because her son, who lived in the home with her, is abusive but she’s too afraid to ask him to leave. She plans to live indefinitely with all her other children, there’s 4 of us, and refuses to consider a lodge or retirement community. She pays all of the expenses to keep her own home looked after so my brother can live there. He has both her vehicles at his disposal and she pays the insurance and registration even though she no longer drives. She expects to live for free and be looked after by the rest of us while she looks after our brother’s financial and housing needs.

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I would just tell her that, she either moves back to her home or goes into AL. She obviously is not thinking clearly. It is a case of the momma's boy syndrome, the "Golden Boy" and the rest of you are "Scapegoats". Might be time to say No.

She needs to put her house up for sale and use the proceeds to self pay for AL. Unless everyone stands up to her nothing will change. The ball is in your court.
Good Luck!
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Reply to anonymous912123

Sounds like a rough situation. When someone is refusing to go, and at her age it's unlikely she'd be able to be convinced to change her mind, then someone has to have the legal power to place her, move her. remove the son, and sell her house and vehicles. Her assets really need to be sold in order to help fund her expenses in a care facility. Get in touch with an elder care attorney to get the ball rolling. best wishes.
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Reply to gemmab123

You and the other 2 need to tell her you are not willing to subsidize your brother.  You are willing to get her legal help to get your brother evicted and she can sell her house and find appropriate housing.
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Reply to FloridaDD

Your mother's expectations sound unreasonable and insulting. She expects you and your other siblings to subsidize a son whose abusive and living in her home? I hope someone - and not that son - has durable power of attorney for her. That is the first and most important thing before trying to do anything else. In my opinion it is a bad idea for anyone to take on the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw

If she is in NEED of full time care, then she NEEDS to be told a “compassionate alternative fact” and taken to the residence picked by her 4 CARING children.

If she NEEDS to be in a place of safety with provision for meals, personal services and help, social contact, and the ability to be at peace, and her children need the comfort of their peaceful homes without the expectation of personally providing full time care for her, this is the answer.

Her opinion, while important and worthy of respect, should not be expected to become a foregone conclusion.

The compassionate alternative fact can be anything persuasive that will result in her removal in the most peaceful way possible. I used “temporary”, even while knowing that my LO would not be able to return to her unsafe “home”.

Painful, uncomfortable, but NOT guilt provoking, if done with love and the previously suggested, DEEP RESPECT for the individuals, ALL OF THEM, involved.
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Reply to AnnReid

You can all tell her no.

I think that something is very wrong with her thinking when she is willing to pay for him lock, stock and barrel at the expense of the others.

I would just tell her no and call APS about the financial exploitation of a vulnerable senior that your brother is doing.

If you are in a single consent state you should record her saying that she is afraid of your brother. That way you can share with APS when she defends him. Them hearing from her that she is scared will go a long way to getting him out of her house and getting her the money she needs to live on.

Oh, I would also check into becoming her representative payee for her social security, this will hive authority to not give her money and to not give brother money, because by law all of her money can only be used for her care.

Best of luck, these are awful situations.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal

Sams, many of us had to wait until our aging parent had a serious medical issue before we could move that parent into senior living.... [sigh]

My Mom [90+] refused to move from their house which was now a risk due to the numerous staircases. My Dad, on the other hand, would be ready to back to move in a NY minute as he was tired of maintaining a house at his age.

Therefore, we had to wait until there was a medical emergency, 911, hospital, then to rehab, then to long-term-care for my Mom. There comes a time when an elder has no choice. Eventually my Dad sold their house and he moved into senior living, which he really enjoyed, and said he wished he would have done that years earlier.

Your Mom should consider selling her home and put the money into funds that would gain interest, or low risk stocks. No more headaches about owning a home at her age. No more real estate taxes, homeowner's insurance, sell the cars and no more car insurance, etc. No more worries about needing a new roof, plumbing report, storm damage.

Your Mom isn't teaching your brother about personal responsibility. That could also be a generational thing. Some parents tend to baby the boy in the family, because the daughters have husbands who are keeping a roof over their family heads. Old stereotype. Try to convince Mom to at least start with the cars, no more paying for registration and insurance. Tell brother that Mom can't afford it any more as every year of aging is more expensive.

Oh, something VERY IMPORANT.... if for some reason your Mom is in Assisted Living and can no longer be self-pay, and she applies for Medicaid [which is different from Medicare], her paying for your brother would be considered "gifting", thus the dollar amount she spends on brother will be deducted from what Medicaid would pay for her care.
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Reply to freqflyer

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