My husband is an only child his 100 year old mother is living with us she has dementia she has become stubborn belligerent and all the other lovely things that go along with it. Last year was hell we built a new home in South Carolina moved from Michigan brought her with us. shortly after we lost our beloved pet, my mother died the next month, I lost my job and then in April my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Really at our wits end. We have a caregiver in the home three days a week so that we can get out but now with his treatment David feels less like going out to do things. we really feel it’s time for his mom to move into assisted living but I can’t even get her out of the house she won’t even open up the front door much less get into a car with us to go somewhere. how am I supposed to get her into an assisted living? It may be the last year of my husband’s life and I’d like to see him doing something enjoyable and not stressing out over her. He has full medical and financial power of attorney over everything but I’m afraid he’ll die before she does, He’s the one with all the patience, I can barely tolerate being in the same room with her right now

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You’ve received a whole series of knock-out blows. It’s amazing you’re still standing, but if things continue this way, you soon will be down for the count, too.

You and your husband must take precedence over the 100 year old mother-in-law. I hate to be harsh, but she has had her carefree time for almost 100 years, and since you fear your beloved husband may not be long for this world, you must make changes…they may prolong his life.

The time for letting the MIL hold your household hostage is over.

1. Do not feel trapped in your new house and new neighborhood. You and hubby go out whenever he feels well enough to take a drive, picnic at a lake, or whatever, even when the 3X weekly aide isn’t in the house. Even better yet, go when the aide isn’t there.

2. Soon enough the old gal will have a medical issue (a fall, or a real or fake illness) and you must phone 911 and have her taken to hospital. When release time comes, refuse to take her back as an unsafe discharge. Have her placed where she can get 24 hour supervision, and then your own loving care for your husband can flourish.

3. The above recommendation may sound cold, but your husband’s actual life is at stake here, and if he should die early from the tension and hopelessness of caring for his stubborn mother, your own life will be changed forever.

4. If your dear husband dies early, and your MIL is still ensconced in your home, you still will have to face head-on the ever-increasing caring for his mother. To have recently lost your own sweet pet, your own beloved mother, your own job, possibly soon God forbid your husband, and then have to be 24-hour in-home caretaker of your mother-in-law? Well, that is too much.

5. I am rooting for you to make the hard but necessary changes ASAP so you can devote your loving care to your ill husband.

6. I will be pulling for you, and your husband’s health. May he be cured and then he, and you, have many happy, healthy, joyous years ahead of you.

7. May this be the beginning of a very happy season of life for you and your husband, and may you wave good riddance to the back-end of all your recent sorrows and losses.
Helpful Answer (21)

I say this with love. Move her anyway. You have been devoted to her care for a long time and your husband deserves some peace. (As do you) Hugs and wishing you better days ahead
Helpful Answer (19)

You put her in a wheelchair and wheel her out the door. See if the Senior bus in your area will transport her to the AL. Then wheel her in to her room. A woman I know the AL/MC helped her with a roommate who was out of hand. They got her to the MC and started her on Meds. Doctors own this AL/MC. See if an AL could help you.
Helpful Answer (14)
Kristen2037 Sep 2022
Agreed! Talk to AL - I would be shocked if they didn’t have transport options. Sending love. Don’t keep her in the home any longer. You deserve to have the time with your husband.
Fmpass0912, oh my gosh you have been though a lot of emotions in such a short time frame.

Usually adult children who are caring for a parent have to wait until there is a medical emergency with their parents..... a call to 911, hospital stay, then rehab stay. That is the time where most of us are able to get our parent into Assisted Living, Memory Care, or a Nursing Home depending on the parent's budget.

If an adult child can get a parent into senior care, we usually tell a "therapeutic fib" saying the senior care is an extension of rehab, that the parent will stay until the doctor says it is ok for them to go home. That going home time never comes, because we can still use therapeutic fibs to delay.
Helpful Answer (11)

My brother in law had glioblastoma. Now is the time to concentrate on your husband's bucket list and it is all about you and your husband.

Call 911 if MIL gets a UTI, falls, a cough, bedsores etc. Anything you can call 911 on do so. When the ambulance come tell the workers that your husband has brain cancer and you cannot manage MIL.

Let the ER and hospital figure things out and they can route her to a facility.
Helpful Answer (11)
Fmpass0912 Sep 2022
Thank you Brandee
My heart goes out to you. I can’t even imagine being in your shoes.

can you get a live in caregiver? Maybe someone that you can barter with (place to live for caregiving).

I hear you about the assisted living, but at that age and situation, do it if you absolutely must, but I can see your husband’s guilt over that and that’s why I suggest a live in caregiver first. you don’t have to leave necessarily, just be the manager and let them do the work.

Disclaimer: if you do have any caregiving in your home you have to lock up all your valuables and anything you think precious. don’t trust any face - ever.

and for your sanity, you have to stand up to the belligerent bully. You don’t have to be mean back, just call her on her bullsh*t. She may or may not cooperate, but you will have your sanity for sticking up for yourself. And don’t feel bad about it and don’t let anybody make you feel bad about it. There’s lots of polite ways to stand up for yourself.

I’m so sorry for all those tragedies and problems that you’ve had. I pray God will bless you with merciful good news and help soon.
Helpful Answer (10)
RST888 Sep 2022
I totally agree! Get a part-time caregiver to come into the house~it will make your life much easier. So sorry you've had so many curve balls all at once.....they seem to always come at the same time. Sending prayers for the answers and some peace in your life!
I took care of my parents with dementia, and then my husband with Parkinson's disease. They have all died, my husband just three months ago from covid. I am 64 with three grown children. I often think back and cry. The exhaustion, watching them decline, their constant demands on me. It was overwhelming.
Having said that, I did find time for myself. I got out and walked or ran everyday. I played pickle ball twice a week and I would hire caregivers so I could have dinner with my girlfriends from time to time.

Now that they are gone and I am well rested, I think back about what they had to go through with all their suffering. I think it was hard for them to be kind and show any enthusiasm when they were so sick, incontinent and just mentally not right.

My advice to you is to find an outlet, whatever you like, yoga, walking, etc. Hire caregivers so that you can get out and enjoy life from time to time.

Do not expect kindness and appreciation from those you are caring for, they are not capable!
Helpful Answer (10)
bundleofjoy Sep 2022
“They have all died, my husband just three months ago from covid.”

my deepest condolences. hug!!

“Do not expect kindness and appreciation from those you are caring for, they are not capable!”

very hard, especially when what you get in return isn’t “neutral” (like absence of “thanks”), but negative (like abuse/criticisms/insults/etc.). many daughters (and DILs) get abused by the elderly parent/s they’re kindly helping.
Like the other people who posted here, my heart goes out to you. My mom lived with us for 5 years, when she had Alzheimer's, until she passed away at 94. Like your hubby, I, too, am an only child, but my husband was relatively healthy, so he could help me with my mom. I want to bring up a new issue for you, though. if your husband has Power of Attorney, I wonder if you should talk to an elder care attorney, to find out if you or someone else can be named as Power of Attorney, should your husband no longer be able to carry out that responsibility. If your MIL has dementia, I'm not sure if she can legally make that decision. As grown kids, we have so many things to deal with. Best of luck with everything.
Helpful Answer (9)

Wow - my heart goes out to you. So much grief in such a short time. You want more time with him and I am guessing that being an only child (and being ill himself) he can’t bring himself to move his mother to a NH. Hopefully you can talk to him and find out how he really feels. He would be able to visit his mother and she would get 24 hour care. He will not have to worry about her. You and he would have more time together and he would have a reason to get out of the house to go see her and maybe have lunch with you. No matter what he decides, what will be the plan for her if he cannot act on her behalf? Is there a plan? Who has POA if he can’t do it? That needs to be planned now if it isn’t already. If it will upset him too much to move her then make the best of what you can. Get out for a walk or a drive or do something with a friend if he won’t go with you. Sorry you are in this tough spot.
Helpful Answer (9)

Can't say too much more than what has already been posted.

Sounds like she's fighting to stay alive - as is mine - and thus fearing the world outside.

Lie to her! "The doctors want to heal something that may be shortening your life!..." She gets in the car, and you drive her to the pre-designated assisted living or nursing home facility. Even if temporarily.

The goal is to put her in good hands as you and hubby spend precious time together. You two can visit her.

Then, should you find it appropriate, bring her back to home.
Helpful Answer (8)

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