So the title pretty much says it all. I do not think we can take much more and am looking for some advice. She's lived with us since her auto accident, things have progressively gone down hill and now they are spiraling out of control. She really has no assets, etc. and we have the Area Agency on Aging coming to our home for an assessment next week. Not sure what to expect. She seems good at pulling the wool over people's eyes when she needs to, but something really needs to be done and sooner rather than later. We have tried her Dr. route but that seems to get us nowhere. I am returning back to work FT within the next 2 months and need to have a plan in place since she cannot be left alone for any length of time without something going wrong. I am working every other week currently and have cameras installed in certain rooms to see what's going on. Most days she is not out of bed before 11/11:30 and then is back in bed at 6/6:30. I understand she is old, but that just seems excessive to me. Eating and bathroom issues are a whole other subject. I normally leave food on the stove top for her, but that rarely gets eaten unless it is taken to her while she is sitting in her chair. Lately she seems to have explosive bowel movements and ends up soiling all her clothing, which ends up getting thrown in the trash since it is beyond cleaning at that point. Of course she says there is no problem and nothing is wrong. We are just picking on her and make her life miserable. We think she has dementia (although not formally diagnosed) and needs more care than we can offer. Not sure what to do next. The other week she actually was in bed for over 27 hrs straight, so we called the ambulance to come and take her. They didn't because they checked all her vitals and said they were good and there really was no reason. Although, she was defiant with us when we asked if she was okay and not feeling well. Thanks for listening and any input you can offer :)
With my Mom, I found coffee and apple juice did a number on her so I cut them out.
And you wrote: " I want to do what is best for her but do not think that living with is it as we cannot be there to meet all of her needs."
Trust your gut. You are going back to work FT and canNOT meet all of her needs.
I am curious as to how/why your mother came to live with you. Do you have siblings? Are you her POA/HCPOA?
You should NOT be paying for any of your mother's care. If she has no assets, she should become Medicaid-eligible. This is NOT on your family to pay for her. Remember that!
If she really has no assets like you say, she cannot afford the number of hours homecare she will need if you're back at work full time. Medicare and Medicaid will not pay for that many either.
The Agency on Aging people will also try to talk you into doing all kinds of expensive renovations to your house for mom. They always expect that when there's a home assessment. During my long years of being an in-home caregiver, I've been to more home "assessments" than I can remember. All of them were by one state agency or another.
Count on your mother "showtiming" her very best when they come for the assessment. Take pictures of the crapped through clothes and furniture. Write down as many of the strange incidents like sleeping 27 hours straight that you can remember. Tell them everything. They need to know that you're going back to work full time too. They will help you find placement for your mother.
"I honestly give anyone who does this caregiving full-time so much credit because I just do not know how you do it."
there's a lot of luck involved, i think...
...the more money your LO has, the more options (hiring help, so adult children don't burn out)
...the less health issues, the easier (again, that's luck)
...the more pleasant your LO is, the easier (again luck) (some adult children are stuck with very difficult, impossible, abusive parents, who will tear them down every day).
hug!
i hope things go very well -- for you, and for your mother!!
That explosive issue is waaaay too much to deal with. Is she wearing depends or something? My mom wears Always pullups. If she doesn't want to, too bad. Take her undies away and give here these instead. Is this issue new? Is it happening multiple times a day? Could be a new med or a food intolerance. My mom developed an intolerance to dairy that led to many many bathroom trips. Finally got that one figured out!
I'd work on getting that dementia diagnosis.