Any advice for dealing with mother’s demands now that son is leaving home?

Learn to say NO. When she says “Why Not?” Answer her back by saying” Because I said so!”

Thats what my mother would tell me as a child. Since you are in a role reversal with your mom and she is acting like a child and YOU acting like her parent, just say NO. Loud and clear.

Chris, your time is your own, to spend the way you see fit.

It is not your mother's commodity to direct.

Just because you will now have more "free time" does not make your mother's demands valid.

I would start by taking my own sweet time getting back from drop son off at Uni. Get someone to look in on mom once a day if that's the level of care she needs. Or hire someone (on her dime) to stay with her while you are gone.

Practise saying "no, mother, I can't possibly do that". And you DON'T need to have "reason" for that. You simply can't do it. If she asks, you say, "because I don't WANT to and you can do it for yourself".

You are not a slave, nor a lowly Victorian housemaid with no other hopes and aspirations in life.

Things haven't changed for Mom. They have changed for you. You now have more time to do what you and DH would like to do. Don't feel that Mom has to go with you everywhere. You are entitled to us/me time. If she can be left alone for a time, then do something for yourself and husband. Have a date night. Out to lunch/dinner with friends.

There was a thread were a member wondered if she was enabling her Mom by doing for her. A member came back and said no you are disabling her. If she can do it herself, then Mom should do it. Our responsibility to our parents is not to be at their beck and call but to make sure they are safe and cared for. You have given Mom a nice home to live in. You make sure she is fed well. She is safe, clean and warm in the winter and cool in the Summer. There is no reason she can't do for herself. So, keep those boundries and do for yourself. I may even go on vacation and find someone to check on Mom or stay with her.

And I believe with certain personalities you have to put a little threat in things and some reminders. Seems Mom maybe living with you because she could not afford to live on her own. When she starts I'm for telling her "Mom, where do u think you would be if I hadn't allowed you to live with us?" And "If you don't like living with us anymore, we can make other arrangements".

tell her upfront that things fir her will be exactly as they were or maybe even less since your son is no longer there to help with whatever chores he had to do before he left for College.

First of all your mother is fortunate to be living in your home and should absolutely respect your wishes and privacy. Set limits and boundaries with your mom. You and your husband should have some quality time alone together now son is off to college. Plan to have alone time with your husband such as a trip somewhere and hire someone to stay with her. Have an honest to goodness talk with your mother and explain your concerns and desires. It is very important early on to have some privacy, and take care of yourself and set limits, otherwise health could become an issue. I at the very beginning of my caregiving journey with my mom explained to her I would be available in the morning at 9am, my mother was an early riser around 6am, I myself not a morning person at all. It worked out very well for both of us and she stuck to the plan for almost twenty years. Of course things have changed over the years and we needed to adjust our way of doing things to fit the changes that have taken place especially the caregiving duties. I hired a cleaning lady to do the housework. Hired a lawn company and a plow guy. Once I got used to all the responsibility of house, caregiving, bills, shopping and much more, hired help, the expense, I adjusted better. I had a plan in place and I stick to it. I stopped inviting relatives over for tea, lunch, parties, it made my life better and less hectic. I did that for my mother for almost 15 years. It just became more stressful as my mothers health started to decline. I now do what I need to do and set limits with my entire family, I love them, but they depended on me a little too much and now they all know my priorities and they respect them and think twice now before asking me to do something. It took me years to say no to people, but boy does it feel good to say no and not feel a bit guilty. I hope your son enjoys his college years, it is difficult at first, but you will get used to it and adjust. We visited my niece frequently when she went off to college. We brought her up after losing her mother to cancer. There are other options in the future if it gets too stressful for you. For example, hiring a home health aide, adult day care if open and safe and Assisted Living. You need to find the best fit for both you and your mother for everyone to be happy and content. It is a long journey and some resentment early on is a red flag to me. No need to feel guilty, caregiving is not for everyone. My dear mother will be the last person I care for. I told everyone in my family to plan for their own future. Wishing the best to you and your family.

Get a part time job. Or, better yet, tell your mother you've gotten a part time job working from home that will take up the following hours every day: 10 am - 2 pm (or whatever suits you) and that you will be unavailable to her entirely during those hours. Sometimes your job will require you to leave the house to have 'meetings', too, so she will have to acclimate herself to that fact as well.

Oftentimes, actions speak MUCH louder than words. I can talk until I'm blue in the face with my own mother, but it's only my actions she understands. For instance; she 'needs' so so so many things from the store, but refuses to make me a list (she lives in a Memory Care ALF). So, until and unless I get a list, she doesn't get anything. She knows that, yet still refuses to sit down with pen and paper or an aide to write a list FOR her. That's one small example of actions speaking louder than words.

Good luck!

Keep boundaries and stay busy. If she sees you at home relaxing she will think you "need something to do" (as my father would say-and he seriously thought he was doing me a favor by creating work for me to do).

It may come to a point where you will just have to bluntly tell her the time you spent on son is not transferring to her, it is transferring to you.

"No" is a complete sentence. "I am sorry, I can't do that" is another one. If you need professional help to say those things, start finding one now. You can only be a doormat if you lay down.

Boundaries should remain as they are; express often how pleased you are that your Son can now move on with his own life, and you with YOURS. Be certain to do so, with more time away from home, etc. With clear set boundaries. If she cannot stay within them then it is perhaps time for her to move on as well to living in care in another place.

Continue to keep your safe boundaries. Remind yourself - and mom when need be - that your relationship and time commitments may have changed with your son but that does not mean that your time and relationship changes with your mother. Make sure your mother's needs are being met - preferably through self-care. Hire extra help or provide extra help when it is definitely needed (so she is not at health risk or physical risk). Encourage her to continue working on her fulfilling her own needs, just as you are doing in this new phase of life.

Congratulations on your son's entry into college. Enjoy time as a couple.