How do you handle the guilt from taking some time for yourself?

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How do you handle the guilt from taking some time for yourself?

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What!!!??? Your mom was bored although she spent the day with her other two daughters? That is very manipulative behavior of her's designed to make you feel badly. Shame on her. See it for what it is and do not let that be an excuse to not get out and have time for herself. You will need to get a thick skin and learn to let this type of behavior roll off your back. She will survive your absence and if she wants to pout so be it. Once she sees it doesn’t change your behavior, and she isn’t rewarded for it, she will realize it doesn’t work. Plan more outings. She can read, watch TV or talk with her lovely daughters. Once we realize that only they are responsible for their happiness and not us, we will cope better.
you do not mention in your profile if she has dementia. If she does then the tactic mentioned above is a good statement. Validation and empathy but do not give away your right to good mental health by not taking breaks.

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Great response!!!

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I think you taking time for yourself is wonderful it’s good for your nerves it’s good for your mental health is good for everyone around you including your mom because it refreshes you gives you a new outlook it makes you feel better and when you’re happy and you feel better you can take care of someone better so do it do it often as you need

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I can’t take any time for myself y mother has been living with us for over 3 years and I didn’t plan on this I was 47 years old when she started living with us now I’m 50 years old and I have my own health issues. She has nothing wrong with her physically. I’m sick to death of this.

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I so understand this. My mother has lived with me since 2001. I was 41 at the time. I got remarried in 2009. My husband, who is a saint, knew it was a buy one get one free package. I don't know if I could have done it for all these years. She is now 89 and was diagnosed with Stage 3b lung cancer. I am her primary caregiver, but my brother and sister come in for a couple days a week. I am so sick of this as well. My husband and I have never had a normal marriage. Never just us. I look forward to the day when we can have our own place with noone but us. She is extremely passive aggressive and OCD. She is not an easy person to deal with. My siblings can come for a couple days then leave. I can't do that. It is wearing on me massively. I feel like I am going crazy at time.

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Dear Beejaycee, I deal with similar guilt when I go out to play and don’t bring mom along. When I remember her complaint is a bid for empathy and can say with real complassion “oh it must be a long lonely day here at home” or something similar, mom feels validated for her own feelings and then can have compassion for me and my need to be independent of her. This is hard to remember to do when I feel the need to defend myself. It is simple and effective when I can really be there in the moment with her. Good luck.

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Good advice. A perfect example of being assertive but not aggressive.

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I’ve been in charge of f/t caring for my 89 yr old mother since Feb 2017. I have hired help so I get a lot of this almost daily but I remember the roles have reversed. It’s not her fault and the mother that raised me would be appalled at her own behavior if she could see it. I tell her & myself that she lived a good life, she took her trips, she got together with friends. I can only stay sane through this if I do the same. I do take her out & laugh with her but not 24/7. It’s hard not to feel guilty but you have to analyze the situation & not accept blame that’s not deserved. Be objective and think if you have a child & you couldn’t help acting this way would you want them to feel guilty & stop living? I know my sane mother wouldn’t want that. Tell yourself what you would tell a friend in this situation. I’m always amazed we are kinder to our friends than to ourselves.

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You learn to love yourself....and care for yourself accordingly. Don't let it bring you down. Take your Mom out when you can, it'll get better.

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I think they get attached to one person and when that person is not there they feel lonely. No disrespect intended but our beloved dog was like this. The house could be full of people but only my dh mattered to her. Waiting patiently by the door until he returned and yes, sometimes a little distant even when he got home. When my daughter was a small child she would do the same when we went on a trip without her. She’s bonded with you in a different way than them. The sisters could have taken her out and I bet she would have still missed you. Hopefully your sisters aren’t offended by her not enjoying her time with them as much as you. And if anything, you probably need to go out more often, not less, so that it’s not so unusual to her to be without you.

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97,

So true! My mom has always been closest to me. I don’t think she intentionally tries to make me miserable. She just feels closest to me, not even realizing that her feeling of being closest to me can sometimes be a burden to me.

We do bond with certain people more than others. I dated lots of people and enjoyed their company but my husband stole my heart.

I overlook her comments or silence because I love her so much. When I reach my limit I have to explain to her that I have needs to. I try to do so as calmly as I can but I am human and make mistakes too. Sometimes I am frustrated and not as kind as I should be. She will then agree with me and say that she is sorry. I tell her that I am sorry for raising my voice.

She is more passive aggressive, haha, never raises her voice so she can say to me that she NEVER raises her voice at others. That drives me crazy! I would rather someone tell me off than be passive aggressive. Anyway, pet peeve, I suppose.

I tell her that all of us make mistakes, misunderstandings occur at times, and so forth. It’s sad that we put so much pressure on each other to be perfect. No one can be perfect.

We are going to screw up and all we can do is start over. Makes no sense at all to beat ourselves up. We can feel badly about something to motivate ourselves to improve, but if our guilt ends up hurting ourselves then it has the opposite effect, self abuse. No good can come out of that.

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How could she have been bored with her two daughters with her. I think there is some controlling here. Mom, I need some time to myself every so often. I take you places but there are times I need to do something for me. I wouldn't say I am sorry. That's an addmission of guilt.

I really think that parents need to understand that we have lives too. Were they with us 24/7. No, we went to school, had activities. If they wanted to go out they got babysitters. Are we really suppose to spend every minute with a parent we r caring for. Not even husbands and wives should spend every minute together. We all need time to wind down, get away.

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JoAnn,

I adore this answer! Our parents do expect a lot. I am going to read this answer over and over for me! Thanks!

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Beejay, my sister once told me, "Nobody can make you feel guilty without your permission." This was because our mother, rest her soul, was a past master at dishing out the guilt trips! I'm so grateful she told me that, and I'm glad that over time, with practice, I came to believe and understand that she was right! Nobody is in control of my emotions but me. I can choose whether to feel guilty or not, especially if I have done nothing wrong. People will try, but this is a form of manipulation and passive-aggression. Don't buy into it! You did nothing wrong and therefore have *nothing!* to feel guilty about. You did not do anything to hurt your Loved One (LO). Your LO may be feeling sad, lonely, and neglected because you (quite rightly) took some needed time to yourself, but that's just too bad. She doesn't get to own you 24/7. And you are not responsible for how she chooses to feel about you doing that! When she tells you she felt sad, blue, lonely, or neglected during your absence, you might respond by saying something like, "Oh really? That's too bad." And then change the subject. Because just as she is not responsible for your emotions, so you are not responsible for hers. Detach. Good luck! And enjoy your time off, everybody is entitled to it. 😉💖

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Desert,

That’s true. No one can make us feel guilty. Oh, can they try though! I haven’t mastered how not to let it drive me crazy. Know what I mean?

Changing subject doesn’t work with her so I end up having to walk out of the room.

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How do I handle it? I do not feel guilty. If I were caring for my mother, old habits of behavior might have kicked in, but I am not. I do not need my aunt's approval to feel good about myself, or to remember that I need to be well in order to do caregiving. You do also. You do not need to justify self care. You do not 'cause' her feelings, either. If this continues to bother you, try counseling as many of us have.

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You have no reason to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong! You have to take care of yourself to take care of her. Please don't let guilt control your life or self-care.

This kind of guilt is useless. How do you get over it? You keep telling yourself that you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your mom, and just keep doing outings and it will get easier the more you do them. As long as mom is in good hands while you are out than you are good!

I know it is difficult for your mom to understand that you need time to yourself, but just keep explaining how it is important for you to have this time to yourself, and that you will do whatever she wants in turn. Don't reward bad behavior, but a little reward for being good goes a long way. Get what I am telling you?

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How do you handle the guilt from taking some time for yourself?

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