How do you deal with a parent pretending to be more helpless than they actually are?

you are way too young to give up your life even tho you love your dad. You deserve a life of your own. If he needs a lot of help either call an agency to get a home health aid for 4 hours a day or evening ( if he’s a veteran it’s paid for) or place him without guilt. Good luck … live your life and have fun. He has lived his and now it’s your turn.

Sounds pretty overwhelming. For yourself, start by finding a therapist to work with. Your health care provider should have suggestions. And get outside for a walk every day - even 15-20 minutes of fresh air is a mood booster.
Then, get a consolation from an elder law attorney about how to untangle your finances. You say that you and your dad moved and bought this house together. I don't know what you did for housing previously, but perhaps you can manage a small apartment or roommate situation. I know you are self employed, but have no idea what that entails in terms of space/supplies needed and income.
No matter what the causes of his dependent behavior, it sounds like he does need a living arrangement that provides meals and some safety oversight.
Stay in touch. Will be thinking of you.

I've read this thread and just want to add that I know extricating oneself from this type of situation is not easy. Dad at 75 and mostly ok physically and cognitively (with some issues and probably mild cognitive loss)could move into a low-income group home, adult foster care home - if he qualified financially, or assisted living - if he could afford it. In order to figure all that out, you will need to consult the Area Agency on Aging or a private Geriatric Care Manager. They can be well worth their cost to do an assessment on your dad and to help you determine options. First, though, you may need to be "ready" to at least seriously explore making a change - to decide you no longer want to spend so much of your time and energy at just 29, caring for a father who is only 75 and may live a lot longer and you'd like something to happen so that you can be freed to live your own life, while being sure Dad will still have a place to live and support he needs. Good luck!

You need to start looking at assisted living places with him or with out him . You have taken on the parental role but instead of a child that is growing you are dealing with someone who is regressing . You sound exactly like me and I am totally exhausted 😴 My advice since you are so young get on with your life and stop feeling guilty .

I loved my Dad, but he was 101% old school, pampered by my Mom, and could not even boil water. Once when my Mom was in the hospital, I "taught" him how to run the vacuum. He did it once and I thought he would have a heart attack. So what I'm saying is your Dad doesn't have the know how or the stamina it takes to run a household or take good care of himself. He was enabled by your Mom, and you took over the job. Left to his own devices I wouldn't be surprised if he sat and watched tv all day, ate from whatever box he could open, and would not clean a thing. If he's fairly young and able, teach him how to do a few things, little by little and explain to him that you just can't do it all anymore. However, if he's in his 80's or 90's or physically disabled, he's not going to change and he's just going to get worse. A woman as young as you should be enjoying life and planning a future. What can you do? GET HELP. If you have siblings, ask for help. If you don't have family support, hire someone to give you a well-deserved break a few times a week who can clean, cook and/or shop. Let your Dad pay. Period.

You should get home health care in there. You should not be doing everything. They can help with housekeeping meals and keeping him company. You do not owe him your life.

Good advice here: and NEVER accept the notion that caregiving is a daughter’s job. All siblings should help and you should bring in help at parents’ expense when possible. < One person cannot do it all.>

So you bought a house with dad, and (I assume) are co-dependent on him to assist in the mortgage?
While it's water under the bridge, you probably shouldn't have co-mingled your money with his, insofar as mortgage payments go; especially, as you say, you are afraid he will spend his money (which I assume you need for your home) on scams or shopping...
You also say you are self-employed.

So, in the long term, I agree with Barb when she says you need counseling to learn how to break this cycle. You have been "groomed" to be little more than an unpaid servant to your father's whims. Unless you have iron willpower, you will likely need professional guidance on how to remove yourself from this role.

In the short term - if you are self employed, do you work from home? If so, maybe think seriously about finding office space somewhere - anywhere that removes you from the home and forces dad to start to do for himself. Restrict his access to the internet - change the wifi password, put blockers on his computer, if all the computers are laptops, take them with you when you go, don't give him access to a phone or a tablet with internet capabilities when you're gone, etc. If he's going to behave like a child. then restrict him as such.

Inform him, should he think about attempting to do something to "sabotage" your home, that the next place you will live will be yours alone, and he will have to find his own way, be it AL, nursing home or couch surfing with a friend.

You are right when you say "As long as I'm here, he doesn't have to" do for himself; maybe it's time to limit his access to you.

Good luck!

I suspect personality is key here. Learned helplessness behaviour used as a coping mechanism.

There was a poster a while back with a similar sort of Father. A long thread (miss your tales Paul...) That Dad seemed to need constant attention, stuff done for him (he could often do himself) + created little dramas too. Eg always suddenly "very ill" if the chosen 'helper' was about to take a holiday. So fear of abandonment was a big thing for him too.

The pressure was ongoing & no matter how much was done for him, he would need more. Because it wasn't really about someone dropping off the shopping or making a meal it was about getting & keeping attention. (Wife had left him & kids too). Not evil. Just his coping with life style.

So. SummerRaya, back to YOUR situation & your Dad.

For whatever reason, your Dad needs a lot of help. Whether he could physically do for himself or not, mentally it seems he cannot. His attitude, outlook, manner & ability is quite dependant. Is that right?

Is he an anxious sort of person too? Untrusting of 'strangers' & so prefers to rely on only you?

Now if he was able to accept & understand his strengths & weaknesses... great! He would accept he needs 'assisted living'. Then he could take steps from the current position of you providing all the assistance for his living to other options (hired aides, or move into AL).

I have a relative that is cognitively unable to understand the level of her dependence on others - so pointing it out is non-productive (even cruel). So it is up to her supports to set their own boundaries & suggest/arrange alternatives.

This may be where you are?

Like pushing a baby bird from the nest in order to teach it to fly - helping him settle into an AL may give him a chance to fly solo - to make friends his own age, to join activities, to have a daughter who visits.

You could both being be in each others' lives but both enjoy separate lives too. How does that sound?

(Legal help may be needed re the house title & funding issues).

I totally understand exactly what your situation is because my mother is just the same as your father. She had been actively dying for about the last 40 years since I was a little kid too. People like your father and my mother are are narcissistic manipulators who use F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) as weapons to control the people in their life.
You are right in thinking that you replaced your mother and took her place when she got fed up and left. Same here. My father couldn't take my mother's endless negativity, the constant dying, and often terrifying performances and he left. When he did I took his seat on the crazy train. I became the family scapegoat and mom's whipping post. I became her emotional dumping ground and caregiver too. Seems like a lot to put on a six year old, but it is what it is.
You did the right thing telling your father if he truly thinks he belongs in a NH then he can go to one. Don't let him ruin any more of your life. He will double down and try harder to knock down your boundaries. You must stay strong for your own sake.
You've got youth on your side being in your 20's. I do not. I'm almost 50 and let my mother ruin the best years of my life being a nanny-slave to her. Those days are done. Keep those boundaries clear and stick to them. If your father doesn't agree then stop helping him altogether. Get away from your situation before it's too late. Believe me your 20's and 30's go by very fast. If you let a needy, narcissistic, mentally ill parent run your life now you will have nothing when you're my age. You need to grey rock your father big time and now. Forget about the house. You're more important and please go to a therapist. It will help.

hugs!!

you wrote:
“I do believe he acts more helpless than he really is. If I didn't exist or if I wasn't here, he would have to act like a fully functioning adult in order to survive. As long as I'm here, he doesn't have to.”

i think if you feel like this, you’re probably right. in addition, it’s not a recent thing. it’s been like this for years.

i talked to someone (man) recently who said, he feels like he’s being a wife to his dad, by taking care of him. he repeatedly tells his dad, “i’m not your wife. i’m not going to do all these things for you. you must do them.”

i think it is a matter of doing less:
then the elderly parent is forced to find solutions.

we have 1 life.
a loving father wants you to live your life to the fullest.

i myself, need to follow my own advice.

courage! and i wish us all luck, here on this forum.

The best way for you to navigate your situation is to remove yourself from it. I read your previous posts. Because of your 24/7/365 caregiving, life is passing you by. You also wrote in a previous post that you don't even get to see your friends.

Do you want to find a life partner? It's going to be difficult with the baggage of caregiving. In another post you wrote that your father said he wasn't going to live with you always. Tell us more about that. What IS your father's plan? I'm betting that you ARE the plan.

Are you an only child? What is your father's financial situation?

Summer, I think that given the fact of having been raised by two mentally ill people (mom with BPD and dad possibly Dependent Personality Disorder), you might be well served by seeing a therapist to try to undo the damage this has left you with.

So, has dad made plans for a NH? I would call the local Area Agrncy on Aging and get him a needs assessment to find out whether he needs NH level care or merely a nice Assisted Living place.

Summer it would help if you would complete your profile. How old is dad How old are you?

You deserve your own life, just as mom does. Go find it.