I feel horrible even asking this question because there's a part of me that thinks, "Well, what if they ARE that helpless, and its just your burnout mindset thinking they aren't?" That would make me cruel. In my case, my dad has been acting helpless for decades, the majority of my life really. He thinks he has gotten "so much worse" but from my perspective, he has stayed the same because he always acted that way.
If you read my previous post, I spoke about how my dad threatens to go into a nursing home whenever I establish boundaries. He threatened it again yesterday, and I took ya'lls advice and said "Ok, if you believe in your heart of hearts that you want to go into a nursing home, then go. I refuse to feel guilty for that."
It's so frustrating because I feel like I have taken on the parental role for my dad for years. He acts like a child now, because he has gotten used to me doing everything. I remember my mother raging before she left us because she was burnt out too, and I feel like I have taken her place. Most daughters in their 20s would have left by now, they would be too busy with their own lives to even worry about their elderly parent. They would maybe show up once a month to check on them or call them. I feel like that's the healthy thing to do.
Instead, I do everything for him, from cooking to cleaning to finances. I have zero support myself. I keep thinking, wow must be nice being able to call on someone whenever you want them to do something for you because I've never had anyone like that in my life. I do believe he acts more helpless than he really is. If I didn't exist or if I wasn't here, he would have to act like a fully functioning adult in order to survive. As long as I'm here, he doesn't have to.
How do you navigate this situation?
You deserve your own life, just as mom does. Go find it.
So, has dad made plans for a NH? I would call the local Area Agrncy on Aging and get him a needs assessment to find out whether he needs NH level care or merely a nice Assisted Living place.
Prepare yourself for the move to a NH..or assisted living for him if you can afford the financial layout....as I did after I simply was afraid that Dad would get up walk out,fall in the bathroom hit his head,and i could not diaper him...if need be or did not get a catheter...so is the house in your name?..what is going on are you taking his social sec. this is very impt. as you decide if you can afford the 3-4thousand a month...or are you considering Medicaid which means you need to prepare for the future in that Dad can only have 2000 dollars in his account to qualify or do you have assetts.....looks like you do otherwise Dad would not be hasseling you..unless its his nature...maybe he does have sizable assetts and is unhappy with your taking care of him....you need to prepare for the inevitable diminishment of his health.....this is what happens as people age any web sight will tell you about the needy,guiltripping...after that its simply you or him...who is gonna be saved.
Do you want to find a life partner? It's going to be difficult with the baggage of caregiving. In another post you wrote that your father said he wasn't going to live with you always. Tell us more about that. What IS your father's plan? I'm betting that you ARE the plan.
Are you an only child? What is your father's financial situation?
you wrote:
“I do believe he acts more helpless than he really is. If I didn't exist or if I wasn't here, he would have to act like a fully functioning adult in order to survive. As long as I'm here, he doesn't have to.”
i think if you feel like this, you’re probably right. in addition, it’s not a recent thing. it’s been like this for years.
i talked to someone (man) recently who said, he feels like he’s being a wife to his dad, by taking care of him. he repeatedly tells his dad, “i’m not your wife. i’m not going to do all these things for you. you must do them.”
i think it is a matter of doing less:
then the elderly parent is forced to find solutions.
we have 1 life.
a loving father wants you to live your life to the fullest.
i myself, need to follow my own advice.
courage! and i wish us all luck, here on this forum.
You are right in thinking that you replaced your mother and took her place when she got fed up and left. Same here. My father couldn't take my mother's endless negativity, the constant dying, and often terrifying performances and he left. When he did I took his seat on the crazy train. I became the family scapegoat and mom's whipping post. I became her emotional dumping ground and caregiver too. Seems like a lot to put on a six year old, but it is what it is.
You did the right thing telling your father if he truly thinks he belongs in a NH then he can go to one. Don't let him ruin any more of your life. He will double down and try harder to knock down your boundaries. You must stay strong for your own sake.
You've got youth on your side being in your 20's. I do not. I'm almost 50 and let my mother ruin the best years of my life being a nanny-slave to her. Those days are done. Keep those boundaries clear and stick to them. If your father doesn't agree then stop helping him altogether. Get away from your situation before it's too late. Believe me your 20's and 30's go by very fast. If you let a needy, narcissistic, mentally ill parent run your life now you will have nothing when you're my age. You need to grey rock your father big time and now. Forget about the house. You're more important and please go to a therapist. It will help.
There was a poster a while back with a similar sort of Father. A long thread (miss your tales Paul...) That Dad seemed to need constant attention, stuff done for him (he could often do himself) + created little dramas too. Eg always suddenly "very ill" if the chosen 'helper' was about to take a holiday. So fear of abandonment was a big thing for him too.
The pressure was ongoing & no matter how much was done for him, he would need more. Because it wasn't really about someone dropping off the shopping or making a meal it was about getting & keeping attention. (Wife had left him & kids too). Not evil. Just his coping with life style.
So. SummerRaya, back to YOUR situation & your Dad.
For whatever reason, your Dad needs a lot of help. Whether he could physically do for himself or not, mentally it seems he cannot. His attitude, outlook, manner & ability is quite dependant. Is that right?
Is he an anxious sort of person too? Untrusting of 'strangers' & so prefers to rely on only you?
Now if he was able to accept & understand his strengths & weaknesses... great! He would accept he needs 'assisted living'. Then he could take steps from the current position of you providing all the assistance for his living to other options (hired aides, or move into AL).
I have a relative that is cognitively unable to understand the level of her dependence on others - so pointing it out is non-productive (even cruel). So it is up to her supports to set their own boundaries & suggest/arrange alternatives.
This may be where you are?
Like pushing a baby bird from the nest in order to teach it to fly - helping him settle into an AL may give him a chance to fly solo - to make friends his own age, to join activities, to have a daughter who visits.
You could both being be in each others' lives but both enjoy separate lives too. How does that sound?
(Legal help may be needed re the house title & funding issues).
While it's water under the bridge, you probably shouldn't have co-mingled your money with his, insofar as mortgage payments go; especially, as you say, you are afraid he will spend his money (which I assume you need for your home) on scams or shopping...
You also say you are self-employed.
So, in the long term, I agree with Barb when she says you need counseling to learn how to break this cycle. You have been "groomed" to be little more than an unpaid servant to your father's whims. Unless you have iron willpower, you will likely need professional guidance on how to remove yourself from this role.
In the short term - if you are self employed, do you work from home? If so, maybe think seriously about finding office space somewhere - anywhere that removes you from the home and forces dad to start to do for himself. Restrict his access to the internet - change the wifi password, put blockers on his computer, if all the computers are laptops, take them with you when you go, don't give him access to a phone or a tablet with internet capabilities when you're gone, etc. If he's going to behave like a child. then restrict him as such.
Inform him, should he think about attempting to do something to "sabotage" your home, that the next place you will live will be yours alone, and he will have to find his own way, be it AL, nursing home or couch surfing with a friend.
You are right when you say "As long as I'm here, he doesn't have to" do for himself; maybe it's time to limit his access to you.
Good luck!
However, not everyone has siblings to "share" duties with and MANY of us with siblings might as well be only children (I am one of those)! The worst cases have the siblings not only unwilling to help, but go farther by causing trouble, sometimes legal.
The only sibling mentioned so far is a drug-addict sister, who OP has no relationship with.
"< One person cannot do it all.>" is generally a true statement, but on top of either having no siblings or having useless ones, there is always the money issue - many elders who really need to be cared for by a "village" or in a facility do not have the finances needed. Those who might qualify for NHs often fall into the other "donut hole" where they make too much to get Medicaid (and too much is a pittance in most states, certainly not even close to enough to cover the facility cost!)
exactly :).
loving parents want you to thrive, want you to have your own life, just like they did.
No, it is not. But it IS possible & I am living proof 😀
Then, get a consolation from an elder law attorney about how to untangle your finances. You say that you and your dad moved and bought this house together. I don't know what you did for housing previously, but perhaps you can manage a small apartment or roommate situation. I know you are self employed, but have no idea what that entails in terms of space/supplies needed and income.
No matter what the causes of his dependent behavior, it sounds like he does need a living arrangement that provides meals and some safety oversight.
Stay in touch. Will be thinking of you.
However, I did set boundaries and it worked for us. I had it in my mind not to be an enabler to anyone. Tough love is difficult but in order to keep your health in check, you must continue to set boundaries and adhere to them.
If he is able and is not in any danger, let him do what he can do. Start to make more plans and inform him that you have them so that he needs to follow through with that particular need himself.
It is tough but as you have more time for yourself, your outlook will be different and you will be refreshed. Do not accept the guilt and press on.
I cared for them for a year, they moved out 2 days ago.
In that year I did everything to honor them, I too had to set boundaries, I too did not enable them, and continued to be helpful and caring.
I did the best for them. Yet they did not treat me like loving parents, but I treated them like a loving daughter.
It did not work for me, no matter what I did.
You could install a few cameras and watch what he can do comfortably when you're not there.
You need a life yourself so, make sure you go out a couple times a week rather it's to lunch, massage, manicure.
You might inlist in a little help once or twice a week too.
unfortunately, some parents aren’t thinking about the well-being of the child who is helping.
If you can't find enough people so you can meet your own needs - then it is time to resettle your dad into assisted living facility or memory care facility.
A man or woman only has as much power over you as you are willing to give them. Joseph Anthony a son of Jehovah
My mom tells everybody she would love to go into a seniors home but cannot because she has to take care of me.
My reply is that Jesus has, is and always will take better care of me than she ever has.
If she wants to go into a seniors home, please do me a favour and go. Everybody laughs at her. She does not speak to me for a week ( which is a blessing to me and it driver her nuts because she see's it does not hurt me). She is terrified of going into a seniors home because they will not tolerate her nonsense.
The most vile creature is the manipulator. Joseph Anthony a son of Jehovah
Then do it.
Don't let the holidays get in the way, don't let his lack of moving on the issue get in the way -- just go. Notify his doctor, the local Aging Department of his town, and go.
Do not feel guilty. Your job is to make sure he's safe, not to cater to him. Arrange for people to assist him with being safe, then move on with your life. Get a whole mess o' therapy, too, so you don't end up with your father's twin as a mate.
sometimes I let her get away with it but realize Im not doing either one of us any favors for doing things for her all the time. She is fully capable and I do not let her manipulate me