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Mother lived with my brother who died of a drug overdose 2 years ago. Her pride and joy. She lived with my sister, my daughter, and now me, the daughter she hated. I treat her like a queen, wait on her, cook, do laundry, take care of her dog that isn't potty trained, plus I am an author working from home. I have no other options. She doesn't understand how my husband and I have had to change our lifestyle for her. She is driving me insane, accusing me of things that are so crazy. Took her to the neurologist. She has the beginnings of dementia. She's pretty healthy for 87, but has a little trouble walking. She smokes, and I can't stand it, but she will go outside for this. She lies constantly, which she's done her entire life. I can't agree with her lies as she wants me to. I am at my wits end!

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Sounds like by your profile that your mom has abused everyone that she has lived with so far, so why in the world would you ever agree to take her in??? Is there a part of you that still feels that you deserve to be abused by her? I hope not, but I'm trying to understand why someone that has been abused all their life by a particular parent would ever even consider letting them move in with them in their golden years and be their caregiver. It makes NO sense to me at all!!!
It's time to get mom into the appropriate facility, where she can be around other folks her own age, and drive them crazy. You've more than paid your dues, so quit saying you have "no other options" when you do. If mom doesn't have enough money then she will have to apply for Medicaid. The social worker at the facility can assist you with that if needed.
You and your husband deserve so much better, so start looking for places for mom today.
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You do have an option. You tell Mum it is time for her to leave.

No abused child should ever be put in the position of providing care for their abuser.

Stop treating her like a queen, she is not one. And she will not love you for it. She does not care that she has disrupted your life.

Be very firm in your boundaries and walk away from her temper tantrums.

"Mum, the dog can no longer be in the house as it is not house broken. Either it stays outside, in the garage or it is rehomed by X date."

"Mum here are the instructions for the washer and dryer. I expect you do to your laundry on Monday and or Thursday."

"Mum, I work from 10-6 every day. I am not available to make lunch, coffee or take you out during those hours."

"Mum there is instant coffee if you are looking for a cup after the morning pot is empty. Your snacks are in the cupboard. No, I will not make your toast at 10:30 am, you know where the bread and toaster are."
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You absolutely do have options. This is a bad living arrangement for all. It’s far too stressful for you, unfair to your own husband and family, and your mother is being both manipulative and cared for in an environment where she isn’t wanted (zero judgment there, just a fact) Please start the ball rolling on her moving to a place with professional care, they get to not be as emotionally involved, plus there’s an entire staff to tend to her rather than one emotionally tortured daughter. Use her assets and if there aren’t any go with Medicaid. I wish you peace
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Yes, time to find a place for Mom. If she has Dementia, things will just get worse.
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Time for mom to move out and be a growed up!

An oft repeated saying here is 'a person should never care for a person who abused them'. It comes back--all of it, and it's so hard to be continuously loveing and caring for someone who did not give you that.

This is why my mom lives with my YB. Whom she abused. Yikes. Sometimes it gets really ugly. He is taking all that ancient pain out on her. He's miserable, she's clueless...always has been.

It would be better to move her out when she's in the best shape she's going to be in. Your marriage deserves better, you deserve better and your DH sure does.

Good Luck.
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