My name is Darena, from Bulgaria, and really concerned about my 85 years old granny.

Recently, she’s not been doing very well living on her own, so my parents put her in a medical center, and her condition has slightly been improving.

However, issues with her do exist.

The nurses have been complaining she never lets them help her in any way, instead insisting she did everything on her own. They claim she kicks them out of the room each time they try to help her with changing the diapers or with showering, for example. She tears the diapers into pieces, lies to my parents that she showers when clearly she doesn’t, and constantly repeats she’s “not a baby and I don’t need help”. Trying to convince her in the opposite has proven to be impossible, and the results from her actions affect us, her and the nurses, who get underpaid when they are kept back from completing their job duties.

Has anyone got any ideas how we can improve the situation?

We have discussed getting her back at her home, but it’s unsafe and she refuses to let anyone stay there a whole night, at her current location she also refuses to have nurses just stand aside and watch her so she doesn’t get hurt, and we can’t take her live with us, because there’s no space for everyone in our apartment, and we are afraid we don’t have the education needed to supervise her when she requires help.

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Hello Darena.

It is interesting to see how the same difficulties face every family, no matter where they live in the world.

Making the senior members of your family listen to you is hard. They are the seniors, they have always been in charge, and yet now we expect them to agree that we know best.

As it's the staff at the medical centre who are now taking care of her, and their wages depend on it (seems a bit harsh!), I feel it's for the senior managers at the centre to show some leadership here and support their staff. Do you think your grandmother might be better about following the rules if a person in charge were to talk to her about letting the nurses do their job?
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As you said, she has slowly improved. It takes time to become acclimated to new surroundings.
Her medical team might be able to help her with her anxiety.
If it helps any, know that hygiene is one of the first things to change. Some are afraid they will fall. Some are afraid of the shower. Some say the shower stings. So it is a challenge to your GM as it has been to others.
There are many threads on this forum about bathing and hygiene. An experienced aide will eventually break the barrier. Your GM may soon be upset if she doesn’t get her bath on time. It happens.
For now you might offer her a warm wash cloth and soothing words to get bits of her clean. Rubbing lotion on her hands and arms and feet and legs might relax and refresh her a bit. A dry shampoo will help. Anything you can do to connect with her. Search for Teepa Snow videos on YouTube for tips for dealing with dementia. I know it’s stressful to see her so unhappy. Hugs to you and GM.
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Your grandma needs to be evaluated. A person in their right mind does not tear up their diapers. In the US a person cannot be made to do what they don't want to even if they have dementia.
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