Follow
Share

Until today, I had not seen this addressed. I realized that taking care of our LOs
we don't give ourselves enough time to mourn, cry or be sad? I read most of the answers, related to so many yet finding much welcomed encouragement!
Thank you. Caregiver to my husband since 2015. I noticed unfamiliar changes at first. Took sometime to get primary docs attention and to coax LO to be tested. Referred to Cleveland Clinic. More tests, conclusion: no Alz. nor dementia. Referred to pulmonologist. More tests. Diagnosis: vascular dementia, put on oxygen therapy, 3 sleep apnea tests failing because closterphobic, could not/ would not handle masks etc. So continued to care for his needs, handling slow decline w/his memory pretty good until 2018 WHAM! My younger sister died suddenly Dec. 2018 after Thanksgiving, one week before her 69 b'day. Yes, I was very sad but my anger didn't leave time to mourn. Heart valve replacement 5 yrs. earlier. She didn't feel well on a Sat., was on life support by/and died next day! Heart valve had been leaking for who knows how long! She'd been under Drs. care for other non life threatening issues, tested numerous times & no one ever picked up on it? So I grabbed on to what my faith has taught me for comfort & to let go of anger, The will of God. I/we don't understand it but must accept it. I've learned that acceptance and forgiveness are two most difficult things to master. So life went on then my older sister in remission from breast cancer15 yrs. , cancer back, she died early Jan. 2019. In a few days my husband will be evaluated for palliative care? I've developed sadness and if I allow it, a bit of depression. Will cling harder to my faith. Prayer has been my go to more often than ever, since my favorite get away was to church & that stopped by COVID. I truly believe Devine intervention reminds me of how God was w/ me during caring for my mother until her death 30!yrs. ago and for my only son at 34 yrs. old , in 1995. I have to trust deeply that I/ we get through sadness, mourning, anger only by Grace. Am truly grateful for being able to express myself here and I have 2 daughters ,3 grandchildren that are willing and able to support & help if needed. My two brothers also. They're all adults, have their own lives to navigate but bottom line, the blessings & the good stuff outweigh the bad. Many tears here but smiles are more abundant. Blessings & love to all.
We will be ok. I believe it and receive it.
🙏🏽🙏🏽 s for a Happy Sunday.

Find Care & Housing
I go through bouts of sadness. I find that if I try to avoid the sadness and deflect it that I start to feel like I will explode. Eventually it comes pouring out through tears.

For instance just last week I was feeling weird all day. Like I was full, not with food but with emotion. I came home after a long day and went out onto our balcony with a glass of wine. I was looking down at my two cats and thinking of the time that my dear departed mom had looked after them for me for a month while my hubs and I traveled. For some reason this just did it to me and I bawled and bawled. My hubs who hates it when I cry just left me to it for a change and I felt good afterward. Cleansed somehow.

I too trust in the Lord and know he is working in my life and my heart and my mind. I have to remind myself of this sometimes and remember to not lean unto my own understanding. My feelings and thoughts are just that. Feelings and thoughts. I know God is more powerful than them.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Gershun
Report

Dear nanabinx,
You've been thru a lot and still hold onto your faith. That's commitment and I'm sure you'll be rewarded for it.

There such a thing called "anticipatory grief". Grief, sadness and depression are closely linked. However, there are medications to relieve depression- no so with sadness and grief. Grief is normally thought of as the response one has after a loss. Anticipatory grief is the grief one feels before losing a LO to a disease. It is extremely common for a caregiver to experience while they wait for their LO to die. It happens to most, if not all Alzheimer caregivers. You can certainly get comfort in your belief in God, but I believe it takes more than that. It takes action on your part. Sitting around waiting for the Lord to comfort you is not enough. He wants you to participate in your "recovery" (from your sadness and grief). There are excellent books on grief and grieving. C.S. Lewis' book already mentioned is good. The best book I have read is "Getting to the Other Side of Grief, Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse". Your grief will always be with you in some way, but you can eventually return to a satisfying fulfilling life.

"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (that would be your husband's illness), the courage to change the things I can (that would be your overcoming grief and sadness), and the wisdom to know the difference."

God be with you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to sjplegacy
Report

In our weakness HE is made strong in our lives.

Knowing who is in control makes this old life and all the trials bearable.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report

I felt this. It is what you said. It is all the will of God. Even though we acknowledge the flesh is weak. We get weak and go through sadness but if we will hold on to God, he will give us strength to help us through.

You remind me so much of my husband. A couple of years ago he went through and triple heart bypass and phnemonia while in the hospital. Before, during and after my husband went through a lot of things. He had deaths in his family.

My husband says it is all about God and nothing about him. Through it all, he is going on.

Hold on to your faith and God will see you through.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to haileybug
Report

Reply to AlvaDeer
Thank you! A blessing recieved by your words. " A grief observed" seems like a beautiful read. I will most definatley purchase! Thank you again for sharing your magical thinking on recent loss of your brother. I believe joy does come in the morning in many divine forms.
I saught counsel from a pastor 5 yrs after my son died. Pastor asked me what I thought was a strange question. " Have you forgiven God for taking your son?" 😳 Me " who am I to forgive God!" I was never mad at God, then next " have you forgiven yourself?" I never thought of that either. I realized that I had had guilt feelings re: my son. Had I done something wrong to ' cause his illness, & other crazy thoughts putting some blame on myself etc. All in all it was a good session that taught me much. Soon after I had to travel to New Mexico & looked up an old lady
( I'm a old lady now😊) first cousin of my moms. She shared she was a widow during our visit. I asked the usual question most asked, 'When did you lose your husband?" She took my hand & with a beautiful smile answered, " I didn't lose him sweet girl, I know where he is!" I kept that like a jewel to share as my ans. when the question is posed to me about my son, my sisters, or my mom. Today my husband had a dr. appt & tomorrow he'll be evaluated for palliative care at home. I know fear is not from God but I was feeling scared? My oldest daughter came by & we discussed briefly my husbands dr. appt., & her re-check appt. for cataract removal all good. I started crying and she thought she'd said something that hurt my feelings? Why? Me, " Because I'm mad! First your brother, then my sisters now this!" ( husbands dementia) Am I mad at God? I don't know, I don't think so! I'm just tired !" I believe God allowed me to realize that anger is my biggest problem. I'm not angry at God, I'm angry at myself for trying so hard to fix something that I can't. I'm more peaceful now and I know & believe where my strength comes from. I must continue to remind myself of The One that has gotten me through so much & He won't stop now. 😇
Much joy to you as well. God bless and keep you safe.
Our tears will wash away the pain and our smiles will light our world.
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Nanabinx
Report

I allow for the sad times. Loss is something worth mourning, worth crying over. We are imperfect being, and we can allow ourselves times to feel sorry about our losses, to curl up in depression and just let it be. Feelings are like weather fronts. They come and they go. They are ever changing.
C.S. Lewis, a true "believer", a very Christian man, wrote one of the most wonderful books I have ever read on Grief. He wrote it when his wife died. The book is very short and is named A Grief Observed. He was shocked to be unable to find or trust his god immediately after the death; he was in fact "angry" at god and wondered how his god was so easy to find in times of joy, so hard in times of pain. This book is written in short spurts of paragraphs, easy to put down and pick up and I so recommend it to any who are believers and who are suffering loss.
I am so thankful to have had my brother, who I lost in May, my most recent loss. I think of him daily, often write long letters to him as we did all our lives (problem being, as Joan Didion says,they don't write back!). It is a joy for me to decorate the letter book, and though I do not believe he reads or sees, I take joy in allowing myself this exercise in magical thinking.
Grief is such a massive subject. I heard an hour on NPR recently in which so many aspects of grief were discussed, and the one thing to take away is that it is as unique to us as our thumbprint.
Much joy to you. May your tears was away pain and may your smiles light your world.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
Nanabinx Aug 4, 2020
l apologize. Am new at this & my reply to you was posted as an answer. I was able to edit as reply to you.
(0)
Report
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter