My father has terminal cancer and has suffered many other traumatic health issues over the past 7 months. He hasn’t organized anything for himself as far as a proper POA or living will. He’s been on the edge of death a few times and has made almost complete recovery. He’s a warrior in many ways. Every time he’s made a recovery I’ve pleaded with him to make proper arrangements and he doesn’t. When he dives into critical condition there is mass chaos and drama, causing a lot of stress and harm to me. Our family is incredibly dysfunctional, so that makes it even harder and stressful. Add I live 3000 miles away. I want to run to him every time something is wrong, but when I ask for something, it gets throw back in my face. How do I exist in this situation and still protect myself? How do I be the daughter he needs and not get sick myself? He is in the last phase of life and I feel guilty not being able to be there 100% of the time to protect him. It’s bridging on toxic behavior, which is not uncommon for him in general. I’d love some thoughts or advice on this.
Is there a spouse or local person who can have him evaluated for Hospice? They have case workers, social workers, nurses, etc. who can really help the entire family. At least they do that in US. I think they have something similar in Canada.
There are many dysfunctional families. I know what you mean about that.
But, if he refuses to take action and is competent, there's not much you can do. He won't be a DNR and will get full treatment to revive him should his heart stop. Maybe, he wants that. I'm not sure what being there would accomplish if he is resistant. There would be lots of time waiting around a hospital. I'm not sure I get the guilt part, but, I'd focus on keeping your expectations low. I try to let go of things that are out of my control, even though, it's frustrating.
If you're 3000 miles away, it doesn't add up that he - again, strictly speaking - needs your practical input. There may have been chaos and drama, but he has muddled through.
Is it possible, asking this gently, that what is beating you up emotionally has been the longing to do more than it is possible for you to do? And anxiety that things you think need doing don't get done?
Who is actually on the scene to provide day to day support?
It would make life simpler and more controllable if your father had got those documents done and authorised responsible people to keep his life as organised as it can be in the circumstances. But it hasn't been *necessary*, not to him.
Suppose you were to rise above the fray and keep only to daughterly communication with him, about him, and you, and the things it's important to both of you to get said while you can. Would that change the kind of conversation you have with him?
in the past 7 months I’ve pretty much jeopardize my career and almost my personal relationships to be there for my father. Including being on the phone with him while he was having a stroke and calling 911 from 3000 miles away. I’ve spent over $10,000 flying to see him every few weeks. Being a starving artist, that money is everything I have. He’s had a heat attack, stroke and terminal cancer. I’ve had to fight my siblings off to get him the care he would want. After the heart attack and stroke, I asked him to figure out his needs so I could focus on him when he got sick again. Instead of defending myself to horrible, useless family members who were just trying to cash in. I warned him of their intentions last time he was down and out. And that if happened again, I couldn’t put myself in that position again. I’ve put everything on the line. Is it difficult to be far away, certainly. My problem is not that I feel like I haven’t fulfilled my daughter duties. My problem is I’m trying to figure out my boundaries so I’m not dragged down with the ship.
I completely understand that you would like to have necessary legal documents in place. Who wants to deal with those issues after a person has died? It is not unreasonable for you to ask him to get his affairs in order.
Your words have not made enough of an impression for your father to listen to your requests.
How about letting someone else speak for you? I wouldn’t even let your father know that you sent someone to speak to him. Maybe the person could say it is a routine visit for anyone living in a facility.
Perhaps a social worker or clergyman could persuade your father to prepare and finalize legal documentation before his death.
Maybe, just maybe if your dad heard your plans from someone else he would listen and consider it. Parents can be stubborn. You can’t make him do anything that he doesn’t want to do. Is he in denial about his ailing health? Does he suffer with any cognitive decline? Has anything clouded his vision?
I wish the very best for you and your family. Hugs during this difficult time.
My dad was not going to sign any paperwork that gave me authority to help, I lost 10 years of my own life because of the stress and trauma of dealing with the hospital and insurance with no authority. I told him straight out that I was not going to do that again, he has every right to keep his own counsel and not do anything, but that he would be flying solo next time, I would not even go to the hospital and that whatever the doctors decided would be the outcome if he was so sick that he could not advocate for himself.
He signed the paperwork, he knows me well enough to know if I say it, I mean it and I do what I say.
Sometimes we have to step back to protect ourselves. Maybe your dad likes everyone fighting over him and he would not change that to save his life.
We do the best we can and try to let go of the rest. That's all anyone can do.
When I go out of my way to help someone, I acknowledge and treat it as such. I don't see a problem with being honest with myself that I have done my best. I'm proud of it and it gives me peace. That's the reality and something I can accept. I might talk to a counselor about your perceptions. I'd keep in mind that you can live in the same house with a senior, yet they still ignore your advice and continue to do as they please.
Unless his doctor says he needs 24/7 care, I wouldn't be keen on being with someone around the clock. I hope you can find the answers you need.
Remember; you cannot protect your father from HIMSELF. I know how hard it is to be so far away from him in times of crisis and impending death, but this is how HE wants things to be. Keep that in mind when you're beating yourself up for what you're not doing. It's what he won't ALLOW you to do. So wait for The Phone Call, I guess, and be there for his funeral. At this point, I don't know what else you CAN do.
Best of luck and here's a big HUG for all your stress & grief, my friend.
Be mindful POA becomes null and void at time of death. The Executor of the Will manages this..if there is no Will (not living will, but WILL)...everything goes into probate and it's a two-year wait. With a Will it only takes a few months.
Pre-arranged burial or cremation will save money. I got my mom cremated for $800 and there was a reduced cost of $400 because of the pre-arrangement contract.
If he insists on doing this "his way" or refuses to live with you, then I suggest you wash your hands of him and put him in a nursing home and be done with it, and live your own life. IF you feel he is a danger to himself or others, call the cops and get him Baker Acted for psychiatric evaluation.
EVEN with careful estate planning when mom died it is a MAJOR HEADACHE getting the estate converted over to me. I can't imagine the pure horror if nothing was prepared. but like I said if he has nothing, then don't worry about it.
As a hospice chaplain, I often see adult children going through similar situations with their parents. And very often they're expressing guilt because they can't do everything.
Usually the parent is either very old or very ill and thus very frail because of it.
Something happens and the parent gets scared and calls the person they think of as a kid, rather than calling someone local (like 911 or a neighbor). Partly this may be self-protective wiring from our mammalian past: if you let strangers know you are weak maybe they'll throw you to the lions to save themselves, or maybe they'll kill you outright, but members of my own tiny pack might help.
Partly it might be the result of cognitive decline, or of compromised thinking because of panic.
Either way, far too often the parent is ignoring, or has forgotten, the fact that their adult child is in the middle of young-to-midlife adult things - tasks and obligations, the new gig economy (which the very old often forget even exists), the new way of being an employee (which seems to require reading emails and writing notes even after hours).
Meanwhile, the adult child in the situation is trying to serve at least two internal demands from their own psyche: Be the rational one who can take care of this crisis and protect those who are weaker ... AND ... experience the child's natural fear of the death of a parent (often with emotions leftover from decades ago).
I've seen adult children from 20 to 70 imagining that the reason their beloved parent has died is that they -- the kid -- didn't do enough. 'Maybe if I'd been able to come running one more time ...' or 'Maybe if I hadn't needed to sleep ...'
But this guilt exists to protect us from our natural grief at the loss, or impending loss, of a relationship that has been so important to us when we were children (whether or not the relationship has prospered after we moved out). Losing a parent is one of the larger challenges in the cycle of this life we're in, or you could say one of the larger rites of passage.
If you can find a way to accept the fact that he's going to die no matter what you do or don't do ... and if the family can get him some assistance via hospice ... then your grief can be less complex. Alas, the grieving will still be painful (again, no matter what you do). But you don't have to beat yourself up for not being able to save him.
I am dealing with the pain of witnessing my confused, pleading, scared, dysfunctional loved ones desperately reaching out with horrific tentacles that tear you apart and suck the life out of you. They themselves were treated so badly in their youth, that their dysfunction is utterly understandable. And here it is, one helplessly lives at a distance, imagining the look in their eyes and their betrayal felt, their aloneness with their dying gasps of engagement. I empathically knew they couldn't help themselves -- in their day, isolated on hardscrabble homestead farms, family and local folk were everything. Their own parents died without medical care in their young 50s, so they had no role model. They simply worked hard and sacrificed, and I don't think they could see I was working hard and sacrificing, too, trying to build my own life. I have yet to come to terms with having had to move so far away. Some of your angst may be the distance caregiving scene. There are some threads on AC that address this, but we are in the minority for sure. Being an artist, you are a sponge California. Develop a split in yourself where you are like an actor, acting as a wise steward who must create an entity to take care of both of you, to separate from your very deep sensitivities. You do it in art all the time. Do it In Caracter for awhile til you get through.
I mean no derogatory insult to religious or moral covenants. I use the The Covenant as a mnemonic to spur my brain into trying to parse out what is truly a rational and benevolent priority. Perhaps you could consult by telephone with your father's county department of aging services. And try to consider some of the sharing offered here. You are BOTH a rational and a very emotionally caring person. It is not more religious nor moral nor caring to sacrifice yourself for a cause that can be handled differently, with objective, professional input and help. I hope you can muster the energy to reach out, all through this nightmare. You deserve to live, and you can handle getting there from where you are right now. Caring sent.
Hospice has people who will try to get through to your dad and allow him to accept that he is moving on to the next stage of life. Death is not the end. It is just a part of our lives here on earth.
Without a will, the state will decide on distribution of his assets. Make peace with that idea.
Without a POA, the closest family member: 1st spouse, then adult children, then other adult family members can have a "say" in his care if he is unable to participate for himself. Make peace with this concept and ask dad to put a card in his wallet with phone numbers of family members.
What would be a wise visitation plan for you, your health, your finances, your job, your other relationships? Visit when you can; call when you can't. Be at peace that you are doing the wisest plan you can come up with. No guilt allowed.
Read up on FOG and co-dependency. There is much in your post that indicates that you feel you can keep a man with terminal cancer alive, "complete recovery" is not possible with terminal cancer.
What are you asking for? "I want to run to him every time something is wrong, but when I ask for something, it gets throw back in my face." Is this a reference to the paperwork you want him to complete, or are you asking for money to cover your flights? Who is throwing it back into your face?
Have you asked your Dad when he is not in a medical crisis why he has not organized the POA? Is he like my Dad who felt like he was going to live forever, or does he feel his death is imminent and there is no point? Or is the dysfunction so great that there is no person in the family he could assign, that would not cause greater fighting in the family?
Have you asked him who the "daughter he needs" is? What does he want from you?
From whom or what do you need protection? Dad's behaviour, your behaviour, the rest of the family? From whom does Dad need protection? Does he feel he needs protection from them?
From a follow up post you made, I am glad Dad is getting Hospice care. Now you can decide if you want to make one more trip to see him while he is alive or wait to head back to TO once he has passed.
See if any of the Hospice agencies in your home town offer counseling services. I now here in Canada, it would be free.
I often wonder why nowadays there is an expectation that family will move mountains to get to a bedside each and every medical crisis? In the past people died quickly, heart attacks, fatal strokes etc. There was not expectation that people would come from afar to the bedside. They would if they could afford it come to a funeral, but more often than not would splurge for a telegram to be read at the service. When my grandparents immigrated to Canada, they knew they would never see or speak to their families again. They did write. When my Aunt moved from the West Coast to TO, she knew that other than a visit every 2-3 years, she would not jump when Granny was hospitalized. She did come to the funeral.
Is he at home or in a hospice? Do any of his family live near him?
My Dad died suddenly and never talked about death so we had to make the funeral arrangements. This was OK as we knew his likes and dislikes.
keeping you in my thoughts and sending you hugs.
Trudy
Ask what it will cost for an appointment to go over your legal position regarding your Dad. In that phone conversation make sure you mention he is in Canada - and that you need advice about how that will affect your legal position (I think you mentioned Dad is there, but I can't find that response now). Ask if the attorney will be able to help with such a situation. If not, does he know someone he would recommend? In the initial phone conversation, find out as much as you can about what that lawyer can do for you. Call at least four before you select one.
Then please do what it takes to stop tormenting yourself about your emotional position with your father. You may not need to see a therapist who specializes in eldercare issues, just someone who is a licensed therapist, or psychologist - but do see a professional who can help you see this situation through realistic eyes and plan the next steps you take. Right now, your unrealistic expectations for yourself, your guilt and your Dad's behavior toward you are hurting you, and eventually the feelings they create could make the situation too difficult for you to handle. Then you would be of no help to your Dad!
This IS one of the most difficult periods of your life, get assistance from whomever can make this "job" easier to carry out. Best wishes~