At the age of 94 a year ago my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and because of her age she was not fit enough for a biopsy or chemo and just left to let it take its course and our home was like Piccadilly Circus with doctors nurses social workers and palliative carer and daily carers.
Now a year later we see no one. The consultant at the hospital has discharged her as nothing they can do.
If a dr is called it is phone appointment.
District nurses come once a month and we never see palliative carers.
She has a care company come in twice a day to wash her and get her up
This last week she has gone downhill rapidly.
She can hardly walk she goes to toilet twice a day had no bowel movement for four days she spends most of day and night sleeping hardly eating and when awake her voice is slurred like she is drunk and doesn’t know what day it is.
Two days ago the paramedics were called and she was crying they confirmed she had another chest infection (she was admitted four weeks ago with pneumonia) and called her dr who was reluctant to give her antibiotics.
I care for her all day and night even helping her to sit on the toilet and feel I have been left to cope alone by all the medical people but I now think it will only be a few weeks until she takes her last breath and I’m scared
I have cared for her for 12 years since my father passed and now I am sixty and feel guilty for feeling I have no life without her and I hate seeing her like this
I can’t leave her in case she falls as she is slowly becoming bedridden.
Has anyone any advice please?
My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time. I’m glad you have reached out here and I hope you come back often. I am also glad you have called to get more assistance. You need the support.
As to your grandchildren....you know what they can take, but both you and your mother may benefit from seeing them. My father recently passed away, and I have some images that I would gladly remove from my memory, but one image I hope I never forget is seeing my 10 year old grandson walk into my father’s room the day before he died. My father awakened from an almost coma-like sleep at the sound of his great grandson’s voice, smiled, and reached out his hand to him. My grandson took his hand in his and laid his other hand on top of his head. I have never been so proud of him and his loving heart. By this point, my father looked very close to death, but my grandson was unafraid. His six year old sister came in to see him also.
Just as a thought - I was not allowed to see my grandmother to say goodbye to her. I know my mom did this out of care/worry for me, but I wish I had had the opportunity to hold her hand one last time, to tell her I loved her. If your grandkids are old enough, maybe ask them if they would like to spend a moment with her? But you know best - trust your instincts.
I am sending you deepest, most heartfelt prayers of love and peace.
Good point. My younger daughter was upset that I didn’t let her attend my dad’s wake and funeral. She was only 4 and I thought she was too young. She adored my dad. I did let her visit him in the hospital and I am so glad that I did. It was before he was in the very last stages though.
She was able to handle seeing my older brother in hospice but she was a teenager by then. Ironically, the older daughter wasn’t able to handle it and I did not make her feel guilty.
The little girl next door to us told her mom that she did not want to see her grandpa dying. She wanted to remember him when he was well. She said that she did not want seeing him dying as her last image. We are all different. Some just can’t handle it, others can.
I am so sorry that you have been left to deal with this basically by yourself. I pray that palliative care will help you feel less overwhelmed.
Remember to take care of you during this difficult time. A hot shower and a healthy meal goes a long ways for your wellbeing.
(((((HUGS)))))
Does mom enjoy the children visiting? My MIL was on hospice and the children (ages 5-9) wanted to see her. It helps the kiddos learn about one of the difficult aspects of life, death. Only if the kids want to, though.
If neither of these is any help, come back to us and we can try something else. I'm so sorry you're going through this alone.
CM, I think the word choices tipped you off. The word lounge? Instead of living room like is used on this side of the pond?
i have just called district nurse who are calling palliative care and called her dr
now waiting for things to start moving and get the help I need in place
I can’t thankyou all enough for your advice you have all thrown me a lifeline
thank you all
i will keep you updated as to what happens next x
From what you say, mom should be on hospice. Is she? Care help sounds confused. Ask doc for referral, hospice will provide assistance with and for mom, and emotional support for you.
mum has her wishes in place such as dnr and she wants to die at home
i have this week requested that my grandchildren don’t visit as I think it is unfair for them to see her like this
today we are going to attempt to move her bed into the lounge so she is not isolated and I will sleep next to her on the sofa so that I am with her at all times as I think she now needs care 24 hours
May God comfort you and your mom as your mother’s time on earth is nearing the end. Of course, it’s hard to say goodbye. You have cared for her for so long.
Please know that she will always live in your heart forever. Hugs!