I’m 1000 miles away. No way I am moving back home. My Dad will not come live with me and I have plenty of space & work from home. I was in vehicle accident almost 3 years ago and injuries kept me from going home 7 or so times a year and cleaning his house. I visited for his birthday two weeks ago. What started as a leak in the basement, which he said he had fixed has now grown into full blown mold growing up into the only bathroom and into the kitchen sink. He can’t shower, cook food, or wash his clothes in basement. I couldn’t stay in the house longer than 15 minutes from sneezing and itching. My teenage son stayed in the house an hour and smelled of mold for 6 hours of an 12 hour drive home. He is driving around in a car of which a neighbor duck taped the fuel tank up because he won’t get it fixed or buy a new car. Some other piece of metal hanging from under the car as well. The AC in the house and car no longer works and it’s getting to 90 degree days which grows the mold more. I talk to him on the phone every other day if not everyday and he seems of his age but dementia? Does making a decision to live in mold mean dementia? He can more than afford to move and buy a brand new car. There is also mold covering the back door, seat and floor of his car. I asked him to move he said give him two weeks. It’s been 2 weeks. I told him I love him and it’s wrong for me to allow him to live in an unhealthy environment and drive an unsafe vehicle. He said he is sorry but give him time. I busted out crying today. I do not understand why he seems okay on the phone but will not take care of himself. I’m a Realtor. At this point the mold hazmat crew would have to come in to gut the Entire house for repairs. I contacted an attorney they said to call the city to have house deemed uninhabitable “if he will let them in to see it” I already have a few pictures. My Daddy was a good hard working man all his life, worked everyday at automobile factory for 38 years. I want my Daddy to live out his life with the dignity he deserves. Why doesn’t he want the same for himself? I told him this is hurting me and his grandchildren. He is not doing his hygiene either. It’s embarrassing plus we can’t visit him at his house. We do but we are exposing ourselves to the mold. I have to rent hotel and if I’m at his house the girls have to go to cousins place to use the restroom. He has more money than me in the bank. He has no bills but basics doesn’t have any debt at all. I live very well but I have bills and still one child to go to college next year. I called the city. I got advice from attorney. I just wish I didn’t have to do it this way. I begged him to let’s do this transition in a positive, organized way. He says 2 more weeks. I know he will not. I have been asking him for 5 years to fix the house or get senior apartment. It’s exhausting. My Aunts and Uncles live there I asked them to help they only call him for money, favors or invites for major holiday dinners. He has no Will he said. I also am concerned of protecting my siblings & I Inheritance from his siblings And the state. He is a Air Force Veteran as well. My half siblings lived all their lives in Canada. Not close with my Dad but he always said we are to split everything 3 ways except for the house I grew up in is mine but at this point it’s worthless. Not that any of that is important more than my Daddy. I was raised in an abusive environment as a child by his hand and his Sisters but as an adult I have forgiven him & them long ago and understand how ones life can make them not make the best choices. Sometimes the way he talks to me causes like triggers or anxiety or something weird. Still I know right from wrong and it’s wrong to not try and help him help himself. I’m so worried on so many different fronts. I don’t want anything to happen to him. He is like my best friend late in life after I forgave him. I do not want to lose him to death or by his being mad at me for calling the city.
Best wishes whatever you decide!
APS will be quite persistent with your Father. From what you’ve said, as soon as they see that he is unclean, they will do an assessment on him. If necessary, they will remove him from the home to somewhere safe, then they will tell the Court that you need Guardianship.
Go ahead and have someone inspect the house to figure out the mold issue and bathroom that cannot be used. No one can help him in that environment and no one will want to. If house deemed uninhabitable, the decision to move will be done. Then it will just be move to where. He doesn't have to have a mental illness or dementia to put off moving - that is a hard decision for anyone. Of course, he'd like to delay making it. Can't blame him there.
This is a dangerous situation for him.
He may not forgive you but doing the right thing can be pretty hard sometimes.
A compassionate person would report their concerns to the appropriate authorities. Their first concern would not be upsetting the person, but helping to create a safer environment for them.
I was not surprised to read near the end of your post that your father was abusive to you in childhood. Your fear of upsetting him, is a sign of FOG. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It is very challenging for those of us that did not have good childhoods when our parents get older. Me, it took about 5 years of therapy and I still get triggered and have check in appointments to keep my boundaries in place.
The question I ask myself is, could I live with myself if I took action A, B or C did nothing? I am faced with this regarding my grandson. I have made my decision because I could not live with myself if I allowed him to go into the foster care system. I provide regular respite, so him Mum gets a break and can work on her parenting skills. At any point in the next 18 years I could have him full time.
If Dad does not have his Will prepared, it does not matter what he says wants to happen with his estate, it will be determined by the Intestate Laws in the state he lives in.
As Dad does not have a Will it is unlikely he has POA documents in place for Heath or Finances. This is concern, as he is not acting rationally.
Many people act irrationally without having dementia, but if he has dementia, he may have missed the boat on setting up POA documents.
Your Dad is not going to change. He is not going to agree to move in 2 weeks, a month etc. For whatever reason he is content to live in a toxic environment.
One last comment, you mention your 1/2 siblings in Canada and Dad wanting to split his estate 3 ways. Whether they have lived their entire lives in Canada or not, I commend your Dad for remembering them. My grandfather abandoned 2 families (that we know of) in the UK, before moving to Canada. Not a cent of support or any acknowledgement of them. Grandpa had been dead for over 20 years when Dad learned he had siblings at the age of 54. I have connected with a couple of my UK cousins. I cannot fix the wrongs my grandfather did to their mothers, but I can acknowledge that wrong was done to them.
Years ago it was all over the news, Mold Kills! Then they found out that moist regions have mold in every house and no one was dying.
That is what the news does, create fear over a few cases and move on, never saying oops we were wrong.
Yes yes yes!!! Seen time & time again. Little things like broken computer, broken phone, then larger like broken car, broken house.
The 'I'll do it" or "I'll manage" is the coverup line.
Do you intervene & bulldoze their rights? Or let them have rights & potentially unsafe. This is *dignity of risk vs duty of care* in professional mumbo jumbo. I suppose it comes down to the risk. A broken computer at the milder end - leave it be - unsafe living conditions at the serious end - do what you can.
You accuse us of sounding like your dad, just let him deal with it.
Well, it's not that so much, as been there done that. So don't expect to get very far if he is competent. And that is solely determined by doctors and a judge.
Many of us have been where you are and I for one, was horrified that APS said all was well and that they have every right to live how they choose. I thought I would be able to protect them against their bad choices. Nope!
I had to ignore the "I can take care of it!" Argument and just push my way through and believe me, it was an hourly battle fixing the water leak. I finally blew up and said, "I don't know if you could handle it or not, because you didn't do crap to fix it. So shut up and let us deal with it!" It was insanity.
So, again I recommend that you get someone in there to fix the water leak. Check with his homeowner policy for available coverage and realize that you may not be able to take over his life as you want, so you have to learn how to let go and work around his objections. Help him do what he obviously can no longer do for himself, whether you find the workers or hire them for the job. He can not figure out how to fix it and that is why he has not done it.
This world has changed so quickly that our seniors are having a greater struggle than prior generations did. Never getting an actual person when you call and always being directed to the online services throws my parents for loops. Help him to get his house dealt with by hook or by crook, because you gaining the authority over him will not turn out well. I know that makes you mad, but from all you have said, he won't swallow it without huge resentment.
Call companies that handle water leaks and mold remediation and get an estimate of what they professionally see needs to be done. You will need this for court anyway, because nobody is going to take your word for anything, courts require proof of the allegations, especially when someone's life is in the balance.
Best of luck getting this sorted out. Sometimes you just have to do what needs doing even when you are being buzzed at by the senior.
We're not saying there's anything wrong with you. But it's this part where all the conflict comes in. It's that fine line between, as you say, helping him to help himself on the one hand, and trying to force him on the other.
Here is the thing. The person who is responsible for your father's wellbeing is your father. Not you. Until such time - and it sounds as if you're getting there but you're not there *yet* - as he is incapable of understanding decisions and their consequences, he is in charge.
You don't have to do what your father says when the decisions are about *your* life. But when they are about *his* life, not only you but everyone has to respect his choices. They're his to make.
What's more, the choices he has made very clear previously, while he was still certainly of sound mind, must continue to be taken into account. If he has always and consistently stated that he does not want to move 1000 miles from his home to come and live with you, then you cannot just ignore that because you're acting for him and you want him where you can see him.
When it comes to not wanting him to be mad at you for calling the city, though - if you don't, somebody else will. It would be better if the person asking for advice was you, and you don't need his permission to get advice.
Has your father given you power of attorney? Would he consider that, if he hasn't already and he's still able to? Bear in mind that unless he is mentally incapacitated the courts will not award guardianship, temporary or otherwise, and applying for it may well damage your relationship with him. Be careful.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/anosognosia-and-caregiving-suffering-from-a-lack-of-insight-196699.htm
I'm thinking the mould is a symptom, among many symptoms of the self-neglect you describe. Self-neglect is itself a symptom. The cause may be declining cognitive function, disease, mental illness or maybe even just stubborn old age!
You have a good heart to have forgiven him & wish to help him but self-neglect makes it hard.
I will try to find links to some good articles on helping parents & on lack insight.
When I sought therapy I was at that stage. I thought I knew I couldn't change her / fix her... & yet, not too far deep down I did.
I told the therapist I wanted to be able to float along. In peace. To accept what is.
It took a year too. My sister lives how she wants to live. It's not how I wish to live. But she does.
Thankyou for sharing. That was a beautiful moment you had, that phone call with your Mom. That is acceptance.
We visited my mom and stepdad in October last year, I was sick from being in the house forc5 minutes. I had no idea what was really going on, I don't stay in her hoarded filth, but the kitchen lights didn't work. Red flag, how do you cook with no light?
Long story short, we went back in December to do some honey do maintenance and we found that they had a water leak in the wall that had mold an inch thick under the kitchen sink and cabinets and who knows where else that we could not get to. We spent a week getting it cleaned up and getting the water leak fixed. I was informed that they have the right to live any way they choose, so be prepared for zero help.
I would encourage you to get the water leak fixed, because mold can not grow without moisture. That would be my 1st step, stop what is causing the problem. Then you can see about mold remediation. Even bleach can help after the water dries.
If your dad is competent, you will never be able to force any change. The bar is so high because of past abuses to vulnerable people.
I had to come to the realization that not everyone wants to be rescued from their poor choices and my standards are not universal, or even familial.
I know how hard it is to see your parent(s) living in a position that turns your heart and stomach. But you have to let go sometimes and let them make decisions, good bad or indifferent.
I hope that you can find someone that can get the leaking water stopped.
I wanted to say that forcing a man from his home can be hugely degrading and take away his dignity, tread carefully with that.
You start this thread with how debilitated you are since your accident. The fact is that you may not be able to give Dad the care he clearly needs when he arrives by you, and his history of one of not being consistently cooperative. That would not be good for you or for his kids and would lead to an environment of constant argument.
Dad is being irresponsible at best. The fact is that he needs assessments that you cannot do and that is the reason APS needs to do a wellness check on him. As to your seeing an attorney? Well, do know that seeking guardianship of an elder is no easy thing and that it can be very costly. If you do not win you will be responsible for the costs. If you do win you are in for a world of woe, keeping track of Dad, fighting Dad about placements, and managing Dad's estate with meticulous care and record keeping. I wouldn't touch the job with a ten foot pole.
We often say what we would do were it us. First of all, if dad dies without a will the court will appoint an executor from his children, whomever is most willing and best able to handle everything. Good luck to them. Secondly, while Dad is alive he will be protected by the law to make his own decisions. They can condemn the house, but that doesn't make it likely Dad will move with you. Rather he will hire his OWN lawyers, and there goes any inheritance that anyone has a chance of. That money would be my LAST concern, or rather no concern whatsoever; it will be gone one way or another. So for me I would put Dad literally in the hands of the State. I would call APS to do wellness. I would let them handle it. If they judge him to need medical or mental assessment I would let them arrange it. And if he needs guardianship I would put it in the hands of the State, mold and all, and wish them good luck.
Your question indicates you already know that you have no say in this, and really you do not. I wish good luck to all. I hope you'll update us. Concentrate on yourself, your family, and your continued healing. Hugs out to you.