I remotely care for my brother who has Diogenes syndrome. My husband and I fly from NYC to LA every 4- 5 weeks to take my brother to doctor appointments, take him grocery shopping and put to eat and repair and clean as much as he will allow us to. In addition to this syndrome, he is also a hoarder.
Because of this condition, he doesn’t see that it’s a problem that he may go months without bathing and lives amidst piles and piles of trash.
We have suggested cleaning out the house-he resists. We have suggested moving him somewhere smaller and more manageable- he resists. We have suggested having someone come in to help once we clean the place up- again he resists.
I have POA but in CA, that will not allow me to move him somewhere against his will.
My husband and I have been remotely caring since Covid started- I send care packages and have food delivered to him. He doesn’t like talking to anyone, so his phone has been dead since February and there’s no way for me to speak to him.
He lives in an unsafe neighborhood, so I have no neighbor that can check on him.
I do virtual calls with his doctors and I have his prescriptions mailed to him- but I have no idea if he even takes them or if he even opens the mail.
If anyone else is dealing with this situation- I’d appreciate hearing how you deal with this. I am the only sibling that wants anything to do with him, so my husband and and I are in this alone.
When the vermin from the piles of undiscarded food, hoards of newspapers and the like became a health hazard, the nearby neighbors reported it to the city.
He was taken away by "the authorities" and I have no idea what happened to him.
What is going on here is very much outside of your "locus of control". I suggested calling APS and the local police because you haven't heard from him in so long; I had a recent experience with a friend whose ex-husband was found dead in his apartment after 2 weeks. If he is dead, or if he is very ill and unable to call for help, getting some intervention is the right thing to do.
Otherwise, the law is ALL on his side until his living situation becomes dangerous to someone ELSE.
What matters, you see, is how your brother feels about his situation. I'm not sure it's possible for you to align your view with his when you're visiting him from the other coast. What do his doctors say? Do they have any recommendations?
I don't know if this is true or not, but I guess you'd like him to live somewhere clean and safe, and to eat regularly, and to take his meds, and to look after his own personal care. It isn't that he doesn't understand that you'd like that. It's that he doesn't *agree* that it's important.
Just as a mental exercise, suppose he's right?
What would happen if you leave him be?
Also - unless he lives somewhere very isolated, I imagine he might have been reported to APS already. Are you in touch with them?
https://www.aetv.com/shows/hoarders
It may give you some insight on how to approach it. Hoarding is a mental disorder and often requires therapy to overcome and gain permanent change. Consulting with a therapist who specializes in hoarding may help give you ideas on how to best help your brother. I wish you success in contacting him!
It looks like to me this syndrome is not an easy fix. Meds may help and therapy but if he doesn't take his meds or consult with a therapist its what it is. Not sure if APS or the Health Dept can do anything since he is allowed to live the way he wants if it doesn't effect others. But, it doesn't hurt to try.
You can also call the local police and ask for a "wellness check".
After googling I found a support site that s dedicated to hoarding.
http://www.squalorsurvivors.com/supporters/
Can you install cameras in his house so at least you could communicate with him? Or would cameras be a problem due to his condition?
Is there a way that you can convince him that if he does not accept help that he may be reported to the (City, County) Health Department and Fire Department and they may force him to make changes by taking him to court? I would imagine that the thought of "inspectors" going through the house would traumatize him.
Remotely there is not much you can do. And without help right there this situation could turn into a crisis. As with a lot of things sometimes it takes a crisis to get something done.
(I hate to be a "downer" on this..)