I’m 1000 miles away. No way I am moving back home. My Dad will not come live with me and I have plenty of space & work from home. I was in vehicle accident almost 3 years ago and injuries kept me from going home 7 or so times a year and cleaning his house. I visited for his birthday two weeks ago. What started as a leak in the basement, which he said he had fixed has now grown into full blown mold growing up into the only bathroom and into the kitchen sink. He can’t shower, cook food, or wash his clothes in basement. I couldn’t stay in the house longer than 15 minutes from sneezing and itching. My teenage son stayed in the house an hour and smelled of mold for 6 hours of an 12 hour drive home. He is driving around in a car of which a neighbor duck taped the fuel tank up because he won’t get it fixed or buy a new car. Some other piece of metal hanging from under the car as well. The AC in the house and car no longer works and it’s getting to 90 degree days which grows the mold more. I talk to him on the phone every other day if not everyday and he seems of his age but dementia? Does making a decision to live in mold mean dementia? He can more than afford to move and buy a brand new car. There is also mold covering the back door, seat and floor of his car. I asked him to move he said give him two weeks. It’s been 2 weeks. I told him I love him and it’s wrong for me to allow him to live in an unhealthy environment and drive an unsafe vehicle. He said he is sorry but give him time. I busted out crying today. I do not understand why he seems okay on the phone but will not take care of himself. I’m a Realtor. At this point the mold hazmat crew would have to come in to gut the Entire house for repairs. I contacted an attorney they said to call the city to have house deemed uninhabitable “if he will let them in to see it” I already have a few pictures. My Daddy was a good hard working man all his life, worked everyday at automobile factory for 38 years. I want my Daddy to live out his life with the dignity he deserves. Why doesn’t he want the same for himself? I told him this is hurting me and his grandchildren. He is not doing his hygiene either. It’s embarrassing plus we can’t visit him at his house. We do but we are exposing ourselves to the mold. I have to rent hotel and if I’m at his house the girls have to go to cousins place to use the restroom. He has more money than me in the bank. He has no bills but basics doesn’t have any debt at all. I live very well but I have bills and still one child to go to college next year. I called the city. I got advice from attorney. I just wish I didn’t have to do it this way. I begged him to let’s do this transition in a positive, organized way. He says 2 more weeks. I know he will not. I have been asking him for 5 years to fix the house or get senior apartment. It’s exhausting. My Aunts and Uncles live there I asked them to help they only call him for money, favors or invites for major holiday dinners. He has no Will he said. I also am concerned of protecting my siblings & I Inheritance from his siblings And the state. He is a Air Force Veteran as well. My half siblings lived all their lives in Canada. Not close with my Dad but he always said we are to split everything 3 ways except for the house I grew up in is mine but at this point it’s worthless. Not that any of that is important more than my Daddy. I was raised in an abusive environment as a child by his hand and his Sisters but as an adult I have forgiven him & them long ago and understand how ones life can make them not make the best choices. Sometimes the way he talks to me causes like triggers or anxiety or something weird. Still I know right from wrong and it’s wrong to not try and help him help himself. I’m so worried on so many different fronts. I don’t want anything to happen to him. He is like my best friend late in life after I forgave him. I do not want to lose him to death or by his being mad at me for calling the city.
But be prepared, because whether or not they're able to intervene will depend on your father's wishes and on his mental state. If he is in fact mentally well - not apparently affected by dementia, for example - they can't do anything contrary to his wishes.
Neglect of self and surroundings is not diagnostic of dementia, no, although it can be part of the pattern.
You start this thread with how debilitated you are since your accident. The fact is that you may not be able to give Dad the care he clearly needs when he arrives by you, and his history of one of not being consistently cooperative. That would not be good for you or for his kids and would lead to an environment of constant argument.
Dad is being irresponsible at best. The fact is that he needs assessments that you cannot do and that is the reason APS needs to do a wellness check on him. As to your seeing an attorney? Well, do know that seeking guardianship of an elder is no easy thing and that it can be very costly. If you do not win you will be responsible for the costs. If you do win you are in for a world of woe, keeping track of Dad, fighting Dad about placements, and managing Dad's estate with meticulous care and record keeping. I wouldn't touch the job with a ten foot pole.
We often say what we would do were it us. First of all, if dad dies without a will the court will appoint an executor from his children, whomever is most willing and best able to handle everything. Good luck to them. Secondly, while Dad is alive he will be protected by the law to make his own decisions. They can condemn the house, but that doesn't make it likely Dad will move with you. Rather he will hire his OWN lawyers, and there goes any inheritance that anyone has a chance of. That money would be my LAST concern, or rather no concern whatsoever; it will be gone one way or another. So for me I would put Dad literally in the hands of the State. I would call APS to do wellness. I would let them handle it. If they judge him to need medical or mental assessment I would let them arrange it. And if he needs guardianship I would put it in the hands of the State, mold and all, and wish them good luck.
Your question indicates you already know that you have no say in this, and really you do not. I wish good luck to all. I hope you'll update us. Concentrate on yourself, your family, and your continued healing. Hugs out to you.
We visited my mom and stepdad in October last year, I was sick from being in the house forc5 minutes. I had no idea what was really going on, I don't stay in her hoarded filth, but the kitchen lights didn't work. Red flag, how do you cook with no light?
Long story short, we went back in December to do some honey do maintenance and we found that they had a water leak in the wall that had mold an inch thick under the kitchen sink and cabinets and who knows where else that we could not get to. We spent a week getting it cleaned up and getting the water leak fixed. I was informed that they have the right to live any way they choose, so be prepared for zero help.
I would encourage you to get the water leak fixed, because mold can not grow without moisture. That would be my 1st step, stop what is causing the problem. Then you can see about mold remediation. Even bleach can help after the water dries.
If your dad is competent, you will never be able to force any change. The bar is so high because of past abuses to vulnerable people.
I had to come to the realization that not everyone wants to be rescued from their poor choices and my standards are not universal, or even familial.
I know how hard it is to see your parent(s) living in a position that turns your heart and stomach. But you have to let go sometimes and let them make decisions, good bad or indifferent.
I hope that you can find someone that can get the leaking water stopped.
I wanted to say that forcing a man from his home can be hugely degrading and take away his dignity, tread carefully with that.
When I sought therapy I was at that stage. I thought I knew I couldn't change her / fix her... & yet, not too far deep down I did.
I told the therapist I wanted to be able to float along. In peace. To accept what is.
It took a year too. My sister lives how she wants to live. It's not how I wish to live. But she does.
Thankyou for sharing. That was a beautiful moment you had, that phone call with your Mom. That is acceptance.
That’s a different issue, one for you to work on irrespective of whether you have any control in the problem. You ‘ought’ to show respect for your father and his wishes, but you certainly don’t have any obligation to ‘do what he says’, no matter what it is. What if he told you to ignore the whole ‘best practice’ recommendations about Covid? What if he told you to do something illegal, eg murder? If you feel strongly that you are controlled by what your father says, you need to get help for yourself, as an independent adult. You may not mean what you said, but think about why you said it. Yours, Margaret
This is a dangerous situation for him.
He may not forgive you but doing the right thing can be pretty hard sometimes.
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