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My father is 90 and has lived in his home for 50 years. He's twice widowed and has a lady friend (of 15 years) who did live with him full time for several years but she is getting worn out and so now has her own retirement apartment so she can get away, and is at his home part time. I live 100 miles away, so I can't be at his house daily. He has very bad arthritis in his legs and must use a walker or electric cart to get around. He also has a foley catheter which must be changed every 3 weeks. His lady friend takes him to his Dr. appointments, so I do appreciate her. He has gotten to the point where he just lets everyone else take care of his needs. If his daily meds aren't set out, he claims he doesn't know where they are. If the coffee isn't made, he just goes without instead of figuring out how to make it. He is (or was) an intelligent man, so it is hard to watch him decline. He has no dementia, just learned helplessness (that's what we called it when I was an elementary teacher.) We have a lady who comes in 3-4 times a week for an hour to make sure the bed is made, he's shaved, coffee made, etc. and a nurse 1x a week to flush his catheter, but otherwise if the lady friend isn't there he is alone. He sits out on his patio and smokes and feeds the birds, or he sits in his chair and naps. He doesn't hear well, so he watches a little TV, but not much. I am trying to convince him to move into AL where his lady friend has an apartment, so he would still be able to see her, but he is stubborn and doesn't want to. He is not incapacitated enough that I can take over and force the issue, and I really don't want to. I want it to be something he agrees to. He is not really social, so I can't use the company of others as incentive. How in the heck do I convince him that he would be happy in AL and it would be a good thing? Has anyone had success in this kind of a situation? I would prefer not to have to fight him legally or anything like that.

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My response is what BarbBrooklyn said. Just read it again. This is exactly you situation. There is nothing you can do until you have the emergency so be ready to act when that happens. If his lady friend is already in an assisted living apartment find out if they typically have any availablity or if they have a waiting list. Be ready with all the paperwork that may be required. Then when the time comes you'll be able to act quickly. When my dad's "emergency" happened he still used the excuse "well they won't have an apartment for me so I can't move." I'd already called and assured that an apartment was available, I'd already done the tour month ago, and there was nothing left to do but sign all the paperwork.
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You can’t fight him legally. The law is on his side. If he is competent there is NOTHING you can do. Believe me when I say it. There is NOTHING you can do. Leave him alone. Don’t make him go anywhere. I went through it with my 96 year old mother who lives in her hoarded house by herself. I called APS, I talked to doctors, I talked to social workers, etc. They all said the same thing. “I’m sorry, there is nothing we can do because your mother has her mind and is competent.” So there she sits in her hoarded house sleeping in a folding chair in the bathroom. The cops and firefighters all know she sleeps there. She tells them she sleeps there. NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT IT.
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Leave him be. You are in the unenviable position, along with a LOT of folks here, of "waiting for the fall/accident/illness that hospitalizes your dad and makes the discharge planners, in concert with you say "Dad, it's not safe for you to live alone anymore".

You are lucky in that you seem to have a good place in mind; find out if they have a rehab wing so that when dad falls, has hip surgery and needs rehab, you can see if they have a bed available. Do some research about other places that meet your standards as well.

With my mom, we simply told her that we could no longer respond to her emergencies. That got her attention and she moved, reluctantly, to an AL, later an Independent Living place, because she actually needed LESS help than we all thought once she got her anxiety and physical issues under control.

I understand how frustrating this is. (((((((hugs)))))))
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Hi Sharon, I hear your frustration in trying to make things work for your Dad to make him happy. First, I need to ask you an honest question: when you say, "he has no dementia", has he recently had a cognitive test given by an actual doctor? I think it would help you to put your energies in the best spots if you did some self-educating on what dementia looks like so you can understand that seniors (as his age in particular) are LOSING abilities, not even maintaining what they had and certainly not GAINING abilities, like being flexible, adjusting to changing circumstances, being reasonable, logical, self-sufficient, etc. He is slowly becoming less of the person (your Dad) of the past and more like a new person (Very Senior Dad in Decline). Now you must have very tempered expectations for him being able to help himself -- by your own description he is obviously declining in his cognition and abilities. For some of us it is "easier" to attribute our parents' behavior changes to being stubborn, lazy, and "acting" helpless rather than the difficult acknowledgement that he probably has slid into dementia and short-term memory loss that cannot be remedied. It would be very cruel to continue to treat him as if he (a 90 year old!) should somehow just "buck up" and take care of himself when he no longer really can. If you are his durable PoA there is hardly a clearer signal that you now need to step in and make decisions in his own best interests. If he tells you he had a cognitive exam and passed, I wouldn't believe him unless I were in the exam room or spoke to his doctor myself. It is hard to come to this realization of decline. Everyone on this forum has been there or getting there rapidly. I wish you all the best and much clarity, courage and peace in your heart that no one gets to live forever and decline is part of life. At 90, your Dad has had a full one and that should be remembered and celebrated.
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Dear "Sharon40az,"

From one Sharon to another who also lives in Arizona!

My mom has lived in the home I grew up in since 1968. When my dad died in 2004, I took care of her as best as I could running back and forth from my house to hers to help with all kinds of things until she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2014 at the age of 89. She wanted to stay in her house forever and also, wanted me to promise to never put her in a NH. I didn't promise her that but, I also didn't put her in one either. There was no way she could stay in her house and I couldn't continue to do what I was doing to try and help her stay in it. I did that for ten years and it just wasn't feasible anymore. I started looking for AL facilities on my own and then when I would find some, I had my husband go look too. I looked at 8 and narrowed them down to two. At that point, I had my mom as well as asking one of her friend's to come along and take a tour. I made sure I was enthusiastic and would point out things I knew were her interests i.e. she always liked gardening so I pointed to the beautiful garden they had in the courtyard. This helped greatly because someone my mom's age had ideas of what places used to look like way back.

I'm wondering if your dad has actually been to see his girlfriend on her "turf"?
If not, maybe that's the place to start. I really think he needs more care in a place other than his home. Was it easy to move my mom? Of course not. But, she adjusted to it. She is now in a new facility with hospice care and in the memory care unit as she nearly died in April from severe dehydration and COVID while in her previous facility. She likes her new apartment which is much smaller but, after getting so ill, she is no longer able to walk or dress herself.

I hope you are able to get him to be agreeable sooner rather than later. It's much better to move him while he's able, than to move him during a "crisis." Hope you will let us know how things go!
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Not everyone wants to be rescued from their choices.

If you don't want to help him don't, just because he doesn't want to do something doesn't mean you have to.

He has learned helplessness because someone is always coming to do it for him.
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In what way do you believe he would be happier in AL than he already is?
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Sharon40az Aug 2020
I don't necessarily think he'd be happier, but he would be safer. (And in truth, I would be more at peace not worrying so much about him.) He is lonely when neither I or his lady friend are there, and at least there would be other people around and people who could make sure his meds were taken and he was eating healthier. It's also in the same community that his friend has an apartment in, so they would still be able to see each other. Maybe it's selfish of me to want him to move........I don't know......
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