When my mom is at home, she is totally sane (although quite entitled to whatever she wants) and very healthy for her age other than her vision. When she's at the hospital or rehab, she gets nasty and so violent that they have to either sedate or restrain her. We have seen and experienced her screaming, hitting people and throwing things.
Her doctor said it normal for someone in their 90s to get disoriented in unfamiliar places because they don't process information as fast as they used to. He said it definitely is NOT dementia.
There is a long history of toxic and entitled family behavior on her side. I also see it in several of my siblings. When she is upset, Mom thinks it's OK to deliberately make other people feel worse than she does, and she really knows how to hit people's triggers.
How do I make sure that I never treat my kids and others this way when I get to her age? I try to be a kind person and I am learning about healthy boundaries, but I'm worried about losing control over my behavior when I'm old and need help.
Going by family history, chances are excellent that I will live to be over a hundred with my mind intact, and major vision problems. I don't want to end up acting like my mom.
Spoiled & entitled behaviors is something that comes on over the course of a lifetime because other's have allowed it, not something YOU are likely to develop all of a sudden one day when you get old. That's my 2 cents on the subject. Also, you've witnessed *and hated* this hideous behavior from your own mother for all these years, you're very unlikely to suddenly start acting that way YOURSELF! It's like suffering with second hand smoke with a mother who smokes in the house. You are highly unlikely to suddenly decide to smoke after feeling asphyxiated breathing in all that smoke for so many years!
Also, tell your DH and your children to PLEASE call you OUT on any horrible behaviors you may display in the future. I tell my DH that all the time myself. I always say, had my father told my mother to Sit Down & Shut Up in the early days of their marriage, she'd NEVER have turned into the shrew she did, saving all of us decades of torturous behavior in the process.
The best thing you can do is plan for the worst and hope for the best. Have all your legal ducks in a row *before* you think it's "necessary"; save enough money; treat your mind and body with respect and care. If you have kids of your own, make sure they know that you don't expect them to tolerate such behavior from you, and to seek meds for the agitation.
The all-time best scenario is that you do all the above and then have enough money saved to downsize yourself into an IL community that is connected to a comprehensive care facility that offers AL, MC, LTC and hospice. FYI diabetes and not wearing sunglasses can have a big impact on your senior vision, and these are preventable for the most part.
I'm a little suspect about the doctor making such a declaration about your mom not having dementia, unless he actually administered the cognitive/memory test to her himself. If you mom hasn't had this test, request it for her (after she recoups) and that will give you your answer.
Sounds like your mother wants to call the shots and be in control. If so, it makes sense she’d fight anyone who is, in her view, trying to control her.