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It is just my husband and myself. He always accuses me of being too much of a worrier. He equates making and having a plan and making the hard decisions with “worrying”. It always falls on me to be the planner and the responsible one. He has always been this way, only worse now with some mild cognitive decline. It makes me angry when he benefits from me always being in the leadership position. How do I deal with my anger and frustration, because these feelings only hurt me. Anybody else in this situation? Just want to know I am not alone in dealing with this.

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When my husband signed our first Will probably a little more than 20 years ago, he felt it was an omen. At 74 he is still here and when the girls became independent adults, we had another one drawn up.

I call you a realist. You realize that certain things need to be in place to make life eventually easier for everyone. I too am the one who sets things up. Mainly because my DH cannot hear on a phone. I am a procrastinator too. But maybe you just need to make that appt with the lawyer. Get a generic Will off the internet and go over it with DH then take it to a lawyer to write it up. Then all DH has to do is go to the lawyer's office to sign it. Married couples making wills usually have what is yours is mine. Its the surviving spouse that does a new will distributing the assets to beneficiaries.

POAs are important. Just because you are married doesn't mean you have a right to step in for spouse or able to get health info on them. I just signed something where I didn't want a message left with my DH. Why? Because he doesn't hear well enough to get every word said and has screwed up messages before.
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No, it does not sound like you are a worrier. It sounds like hubby has a fear of dying and thinks that he can ignore the topic until ... he dies. Do not let him leave you in a legal and financial mess. Make the plans with or without his help. You will be glad you did.
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Tell your husband if he doesn't set up a Will, the State will determine where his money goes. Same with POAs. If not i place, the State may step in a determine where he is placed. Neither of you will live forever.
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No will and no trust and no POA????? Are you over 50? Because if you are you NEED TO WORRY.
Actually, if you are accepting that you will do will/trust, poa on your own DO IT NOW. RIGHT NOW, if not yesterday! Your husband could be losing faculties. A recent article in a Sunday New York Times business section (google it under "Financial Mistakes May Indicate Dementia by Michell Andrews Sunday New York Times Business section) shows that executive function often is found in mistakes as much as 6 years before diagnosis of dementia. There is honestly no time to be lost. I think your husband now may be confabulating that he "COULD do this" if he wanted to, but doesn't want to.
As you know these things are crucial to get lined up. It honestly doesn't matter what nonsense he spouts about you being a "worrier". Thank god for them. If he wants to label you that then develop a comfort with it. Say "Dear, I know you believe I am a worrier, but we have an appointment with Trust and Estate Lawyer this Monday. If you don't wish to do this I can arrange it and have you come in only for reading, signing and witnessing."
DO IT. And do it now. Labels are all well and good. We just updated our trust and found out that deed titling on a complicated ownership of a building was not done well, and new filing should be done to prevent problems in future. So I cannot stress enough you need to keep the position you have either "taken" or was "conferred upon you".
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When it comes to subjects that make him uncomfortable. I told him I am looking for a lawyer as we need to make wills, poa for each other, living wills and what is to be done for any pets we have should something happen to both of us. I admit these are not cheerful subjects but these issues still need to be addressed. He just shuts me down if I try to include him in these decisions. The only thing I have been able to get clear with
him is what he wants and doesn’t want done to be in a living will and that was like pulling teeth. I just get tired of being made to feel like the bad guy because I ask the uncomfortable questions. I finally told him I will make things that he only has to go to the lawyers office and sign. I will tell the lawyer what to put in the documents, husband can read over them if he wants, just need his signature. He just wants to live in his little world and after 35 years he isn’t going to change. But I am the one that has to find a lawyer , meet with the lawyer, do all the calling and leg work while he watches Netflix.Just really frustrated with him.
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Reply to Violet2021
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 4, 2021
Thanks for the response. I see what you are dealing with. Your husband is a procrastinator who pushes important issues away. For whatever reasons he doesn’t want to address it. You aren’t the bad guy, so don’t own that role. You’re the good guy. It’s sad that he doesn’t acknowledge this. I wouldn’t rely on any confirmation from him. Be comforted by your own conformation. Of course, we all deserve respect and appreciation for what we do. Your husband may not be willing to give that to you, which is truly sad. Some people don’t know when they have a good thing.

I can totally understand your frustrations. You want this settled and behind you. Good for you. It amazes me that very wealthy people do this as well. Famous people with millions have died without having a will in place. It’s crazy!

I think that you are justified in feeling resentful about having to do these things alone but I think that by now you fully realize that it has been left up to you or it wouldn’t get done. There’s lots of talk about how we “prop people up” on this forum. I don’t feel that this situation falls into that category because it wouldn’t get done if you don’t do it and it is too important to let slide, so yes go ahead and take care of it and have him put his John Hancock on the final paperwork.

You have genuine concerns that absolutely need to be taken care of.

Wishing you all the best.
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What do you think? Do you feel that you have worried excessively? If you don’t think so and you feel burdened by doing everything currently and in the past, I am not sure what to say. What is your husband’s response to you doing everything? There has to be a balance in life. Both people need to make important decisions together. If this hasn’t been the case, someone or both of you will feel slighted in the relationship.

Can you share a bit more if there is something specific that you wish to address.
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