How do I keep from becoming bitter?

How do the requests come in from Mother? In person, by phone call?

Are they polite requests?
Demands that X is done & when are you coming? Or dropping hints. Eg Gee the grass is getting soooo long.

Different strategies for different styles. I reckon I have some experience at all three types. Others will certainly have too.

Build your new boundaries.
One request at a time.
Practice will help!

I would suggest not waiting to not feel guilty; set your boundaries and HOLD them, now. Will you feel guilty and/or bad? Probably. But keep holding those boundaries no matter what comes your way. Take the action no matter how you feel. Over time the sky will start to clear as you have more time for yourself, you’ll see things more clearly, and the guilt will lessen. Maybe not totally disappear, but definitely lessen.

Speaking from experience of making and holding boundaries, and guilt. Not perfect, but with changes made, feelings can start to change too.

A lot of us helped out of guilt . It’s wrong but we do it sometimes .
Doing personal things that help Mom is one thing , it can be difficult to say No . But we can learn to say No and learn boundaries , and walk away when being abused. A lot of elders try to get their children to do things so they can stay in their homes . Either Mom hires , lawn care , house cleaners whatever , or she moves to an apartment that she can manage herself with a house cleaner coming in if necessary .

What I don’t understand , is how on earth she’s got your husband doing maintenance on her income properties . That’s not even a caregiver issue. That is your husband willing to work for your mother’s business for free.

I totally agree with Loopy, how can you NOT be bitter?

In these situations, it makes me ask serious questions:
Did this person ever sacrifice taking care of their own parents before?
Most kids leave home by age 25...why 20-30 years later do parents think you owe them anything?

If your Mom doesn't offer you any money for all these chores she expects...CUT HER OFF.
What if you had serious illness, or am accident? Who would she give her orders to then?

She owns several properties, yet expects free work from her own kids?
Tell her you don't want any "blackmail inheritance" either. You WORK for your money, you aren't a slave driver/freeloader, so you don't owe anyone that USES YOU anything.

Sorry, but this type of crap really pisses me off.

Loraine,

You say in a response to Beatty that your mom learned her behavior from her mom. You aren’t responsible for what went on between your mom and your grandmother.

It’s fine to acknowledge how her situation developed. An important thing to remember is that you do not have to excuse her behavior just because that was her frame of reference.

You also state that you chose to break this cycle with your own children. Good for you! That’s wonderful!

I am sure that it hurts your children to see their grandmother treating you unfairly.

For whatever reason your mom didn’t break her mom’s cycle. Don’t accept what she is dishing out. Allow her to see that she can’t control you. You’re not her puppet on a string.

Do you think your mom could find someone else to do everything that you do for her? Ha! No! Not a chance!

Walk away and let see that her tactics don’t work anymore.

I wish you well. Enjoy life with your family. You deserve to be happy. Your mom isn’t interested in having a two way relationship. She’s self centered.

There are consequences for people who are self absorbed. They end up alone. They are responsible for their actions whether they think so or not.

Guilt is self imposed. You should have none, its Mom who should feel guilty using u the way she does. If she can own property, she can hire someone to do the care. You talked about retirement so that means you and husband are too Seniors slowing down as you get older. Tell Mom caring for her poperties is getting too much for you. Sell or pay someone.

It’s not about not becoming bitter. How can you NOT be bitter being used like this?

She thinks you owe her. Because she gave up her youth when she got pregnant at 16. Wasn’t your fault, but since you robbed her of her teen years, she’s basically punishing you now. If she couldn’t have all the fun and free time then, then she will make damn sure you don’t have any now.

One way to approach it is “Mom, you don’t seem to like anything I do for you. You’re not happy with me so I’m going to let you figure out what to do from here.” When she gets mad, remind her if she figured out motherhood at 16, then she should have no problem getting her grass cut or errands done.

Do not just insist she pay you. Even if she says she will pay you from now on, you know she won’t stick to it. And she can take that “someday this will all be yours” BS and shove it. Do you really want what she has? And like you said, it’s likely she will need care at some point and you’d have to sell it all anyway. She can threaten to cut you out of the will all she wants… who else would she leave her crap to?

Yeah, you‘ll probably feel guilty, even though you’ve done nothing wrong. She is more of a bossy older sister than a mother. She is mentally stuck at 16. If you can’t bring yourself to stop doing all her slavery, then tell her you will come by for ONE hour ONE day a week. That’s it. No more. Oh, the grass needs cutting? It’ll have to wait to next week. If she needs it cut before then, she can call someone. Whatever you do, do NOT pay for anything out of your own money.

You can feel temporary guilt OR spend the remainder of your days ruined by a woman who expects everything from you, because it’s somehow all your fault she got pregnant at 16.

In response to your reply below .
What guilt ? Your mother is using you and abusing you .
Learn the word “No”.
Go see a therapist .

Wiseman say: if you let yourself be a doormat, you can’t complain when people walk all over you.

Just say no

Her demands don’t equal your commands. You’re an adult, a wonderful thing that means you have complete freedom to choose what you do and don’t do. Please stop being trapped by believing you’re required to meet her demands. Do only what you’re able to accomplish in a way and time that’s healthy for you and won’t cause bitterness. Don’t discuss it or certainly don’t argue with her about it, just a quick “I can’t do that, you’ll have to find someone else” If she threatens to cut off inheritance, so be it. You’re also capable of providing for yourself. A loving parent doesn’t threaten their child, especially as an adult to get what they want. It’s on you to change the dynamic here, mom's not changing, her rotten pattern has been in place for a long time. It’s always right to protect yourself. I wish you peace

Stop being a doormat. Stop doing these things for her. Tell her she needs to hire someone to do it or she moves to an apartment with less upkeep .

Tell her you are retired now and don’t want to work , and can not do these things anymore. Frankly I don’t see where you have anything to lose if a mean woman like her stops speaking to you over this . Then the , hateful , yelling and put downs would be silenced.

Don’t allow her to guilt trip you. Quit being her servant . Your husband should not be working for her for free either.

I moved to another continent when I was fed up with dealing with my "adults." It was very effective and worked out beautifully :)

What's that saying..?
"When life gives you lemons.. make lemonaide!"
🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋🍸🍹🍸🍹🍸🍹🍸

I saw a TV travel show - people sitting outdoors at a cafe, under vines, sipping Limoncello cocktails...

Go to Italy! Do that!

If if that is out of reach - grab some girlfriends, take a weekend away somewhere & pretend.

No Mom, I cannot. Ciao

She's acting like dangling a steak in front of a dogs nose for years and years won't cause him to eventually bite her when he gets sick and tired of being lured in.

Give the old lady a weeks notice, like cxmoody advised you, just so you can say you "gave notice" before quitting this unpaid job for good, you AND hubs.

Enough is enough.

You can meet for coffee once in awhile, and to chat, but no chores will be done and no orders issued.


As far as resenting you goes, she should be kicking HERSELF in the butt for being an irresponsible teenager who knew about protection but chose not to use it. It's her own fault she found herself a pregnant teenager, NEVER an innocent baby's fault they were conceived. You owe mom nothing. If she doesn't speak to for awhile, good! Blessed silence.

Move on with your lives now and best of luck to you. Mom can hire the help she needs, do the work herself, or pound sand.

She says, she did, she thinks..

This would matter more if 'she' was your conjoined twin.. you really could not get away, have alone time or live separately.

Yes she is your Mother.
But she is not joined to you.
She is a separate person - with a separate mind & separate body.

For some reasons some Mothers have this super-glue sticking them to their children. Not just helicoptor parenting, but a tug of war of dependance & control. They stay physically close, live next door etc & stay mentally close, calling upteen times a day.

Is that what life feels like? You are super-glued together? Living ONE life?

Take this for however it helps you. My grandmother was like your mother. She had 3 daughters. The eldest took on everything. Tried to make everything right, took on all the responsibility for care, hospitals nursing homes and burned out. Her health suffered, she had substance use issues. She became bitter, resentful. She had some good years, after her husband died, travels, but never, I think, escaped the crushing responsibility for the elderly parents. She died early 80's. The younger daughter never took on any responsibility and was totally dependent on a husband, boyfriend, sons, and family. She is currently residing in a memory care at 88 y. She is childlike, at best. My mother, just turned 90 dodged the bullets and kept a career for 45 years and loved it,. She did more than she should have for the unappreciative parents, our home life suffered, but (without knowing it) she always held a Hard boundary. Long before cell phones, she knew how to block the unappreciative, needy parent that would pull you down to save themselves. I am learning. If the elder sister had not been there, who knows. But, live and learn. I have never said this to anyone but, be like my mother. Live your own life. Don't give up your life for your parents. Especially one who is still able to conduct their own business and handle her daily activities, no matter how negative and hateful. You have all the cards. Set your limits and put some distance. It will only get worse as mother declines and it will be harder for you to extricate yourself. No amount of property or money is worth your peace and independence. Don't let the old B control you with, "this will be yours. " It will probably be yours no matter what. Whatever is left. Go live your life and make sure some assets are spent on care and services like lawn care and housekeeping. Its money well spent to have your freedom. Your life is worth so much more than that.

One way you could approach it is simply to tell M that you are stopping your ‘help’. Just that. Lots of posters waste a lot of time imagining what the response is likely to be, how furious M or D will be, what they will say or do. It’s clearly a waste of time to live it in advance in your imagination.

My suggestion is you just say it, then sit quietly and take notes about the reaction. Afterwards you can go away and think about what REALLY happened, not what you imagined would happen. And you can plan how you are going to act after the sparks have died down (possibly after the house burned down).

You asked for suggestions.

How about keeping it short and sweet?

Pick one of these…

My top 10 list for you!

Mom,

1) The free ride is over!

2) I am done!

3) Hire someone else to help!

4) I earn my own money. I don’t need an inheritance!

5) See ya later!

6) Good luck finding a replacement!

7) Don’t call me. I’ll call you!

8) Google yard maintenance and home repairs in your area!

9) Your problems aren’t my problem.

10) I am not your slave. Slavery was abolished!


Any of these will work. Wishing you and your husband all the best!

Oh, and if your mom doesn’t speak to you for a while after telling her that you are not going to continue this situation. Enjoy the peace and quiet!

Also, Lorinanderson, Dont feel bad about changing your mind or what you might have agreed to in the past.

We are adults and we can change our minds about agreements if they are no longer feasible. I assume you dont have any written contract with your mom to do all this free work? So while you may have gone along with it all this time, you can change your mind now....

My philosophy with my dad is rapidly changing to one of "I'll help out with what I think I can reasonable manage, and reasonably do, nothing more. And I'll be the one to decide which tasks those are" My dad is somewhat "Shocked" with the "gall " I have to back away like this, but.....he's learning to live with it because he has no choice and no one else otherwise.

If I were you, I would be bitter already

“Mom, in 7 days, I am going to be done doing things at your house. No, I won’t explain why. Here is a list of other people you can hire. Please do call, because like I said, I will be finished, a week from today.”

Back way off. Give her the names and numbers of 3 yard guys she can call and pay to mow the grass.

Tell her you are picking up a first or second job, doing on line classes, or that you've picked up more volunteering at a house of worship and you don't have the time due to your commitments.

I often say that the best place for family is 1,000 miles away.
Sad I say this as my daughter and I are so close, love one another so much, miss one another so much.
She's 19 years younger than me.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Maybe so!

All this "everything will be yours some day" made me laugh pretty hard, because it brought to mind a Woody Allen movie in which he says "My father left me a piece of land" and holds it out--dirt in the palm of his hand.

You have admitted you already know that all your mother promises you for the day she's dead will likely already be confiscated by the federal government who will keep her alive on Medicaid in some minimal care nursing home, then take the house in payment.

You ask if we've any suggestions. Mine is that you are a grownup woman and responsible for your own choices now. You should weigh all your options and do what you think is best and you should take responsibility for your decisions.
If you were asking what I personally would do?
I would move 1,000 miles away.

My daughter and her son are also 16 yrs apart in age. They kid each other about being in a NH together.

How old is Mom? Your profile shows no illness that would keep her from doing for herself. Do you live with her?

If she has money, she can pay someone to mow her lawn. It will be hard but set those Boundaries. Honoring goes both ways. Tell her you cannot deal with the verbal abuse anymore. That for now, you are backing away from her. You are her child not her slave. When she says "this will be all yours". Say "I don't care, its not enough for what you put me thru. If you need anything, ask one of your friends" Then walk away. Don't answer her calls or texts, block her. Give yourself time to get over any guilt. Push that guilt to the back of your mind. If a friend treated you like this you would walk away. Just because this is your Mom, its no different. While your on this "downtime" read Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Its Christain based.

I do want to say one thing but do not let it change what you do. Your Mom needs boundaries. A 16 year old is not mature enough to raise a child. They have not grown up. My daughter did a good job but with a lot of help. I babysat so she could finish school and go onto to get an LPN degree then her RN. Because of her schedule, we had Grandson a lot on weekends so we did a lot with him. She married in her early 30s and had a son at 35. The boys are 19 yrs apart. At 46 she feels all she has done her whole life was raise kids. My daughter was lucky she had the support not all teen moms do. So forgive Mom for yourself but that does not mean u forget. You need to show her that the abuse is no longer exceptable.

I believe you need to walk away for awhile . Create a Boundary - she is being abusive . My Mother could be very abusive too and all I ever did was help her. You get sick of it . Walk away for awhile and when she needs help - Hire help to come in but dont be her servant .

I would back way off. You are correct in believing “this will all be yours someday” is false. Between potentially picking up gambling again or needing long term care, there is a good chance mom will not leave an estate. You don’t say how old you are, but you have the right to live your own life. I would tell her she needs to hire help. So what if she gets mad for a while?

When I first posted on this forum about 8 months ago, I thought the responses were harsh. Now I see that the same stories repeat over and over; selfish, entitled parents expect everything from adult children, then reward them with criticism or insults. No one deserves that.