Advice needed please?

Lol, I feel for you. I'm right there with ya, and the Mom, and the "Honor thy mother....and victim charades. And right, when you begin to place boundaries they fight back harder trying to find a way through them! May we stand strong. Many great ideas on here. I keep studying both N and Dementia

70! That is young. I am 74. She can very well do for herself. She needs to be told to get a life. That she is only a part of yours. DH comes first and then the kids. Work takes up most of your Day.

I find the ones who seem to be able to deal with these type of parents are the ones who can laugh their stuff off and use humor. "Yeah Mom, I will come right over and clean ur house, I can't even get to mine." "Time to hire a cleaning lady."

I recommend reminding parents like this that there are plenty of people their age who are childless or whose kids are homeless addicts in and out of jail.

Oh your mom and my mom must of went to the same mommy school. Lol.
I'm new like you still working though this.
The more boundaries I put out the more snottiness I get back
This week she is mad at me because I won't clean her house the days her physical therapist comes. Who cares how exhausted I am , as long as strangers don't see you have dust. Lol
Well thanks to knowing I'm not alone, doing homework on demtia, aging , and trying to learn meditation and taking others advice

I am learning to let her snappiness roll off my shoulders, learning not to bring it home, and not to take it personally
I'm putting more boundaries up because I know have the support I so dearly needed.
The more boundaries I'm putting up the more she is going to give me the cold looks, and the mean face.
But I am learning everyday how to really not care, that I'm doing the best I can do

My advice is to educate yourself, YouTube teapa snow, she explains dementia and the aging brain so well. Now I need to educate myself on FOG. Something else the girls have been talking about.

We got this!

Hi Lucky,
My mother was just like yours. Needy and demanding, and that was BEFORE dementia. Now she's 80 and entering mid-stage dementia and her needy behaviors are ten-fold. Just yesterday, she said if I loved her I would move her to my house and take care of her until she dies, which she says will be really soon. I told her I love her AND my husband AND myself enough to move her to a nice assisted living where she can get round-the-clock care. She said I would take care of my husband at home because I love him more than her. I told her that he and I have agreed to move each other into AL to spare ourselves the stress of trying to manage a sick person at home.

She said "I'm the one that's 80 years old! You can catch up on resting after I die!"

That cinched it.

Listen to your therapist. You live YOUR life, mom lives HER life.
You shouldn't have to state your position more than once if she is cognitively intact. Offer to help her hire an eldercare advisor to sit down and take a look at her finances and her living situation. If she is heading into dementia, the same advisor can give you advice about that.

Just to repeat one I haven’t heard before: JADE. What NOT to do with a narcissist – Justify Argue Deny Explain. Almost as memorable as FOG.

Don’t be as available. Stop taking her calls so often.

You have done a good job of setting boundaries, but clearly you need to expand them! The Bible is a veritable treasury of things to say, but you could make up a few of your own. Example: “As the prophet Naysayeh said to the devil on the road to Dimsum, ‘Get thee away from me, thou bloodsucking darkness on my soul.” From the Almost Authentic Fawnby Bible Of Hit Them Back In Same, Caregiver Edition.

Luckylibra25, curious if your Mom has ever lived on her own prior to marriage. If not, that could explain why she is acting the way she is. She never learned how to be independent on her own, to make decisions on her own, and all that can be so scary.

My Mom never had to be on her own except for a few days here and there when my Dad had to go away on a business trip. It didn't bother her when I was still living at home. But I noticed it when she became much older. Like, if Dad had to go away for rehab after an illness/surgery. She insisted he have rehab at home. Anything out of the ordinary would worry Mom.

Depending on where you live, are there any senior centers that your Mom could join? Or would she be like my Mom saying that's for old people... my Mom was in her 90's. Does your Mom know how to use a computer? Would she be interested in starting a family tree by joining Ancestry.com? That can keep someone busy for many years, and it is so interesting, very rewarding hobby.

I love those people out there who use the bible as a bludgeon. Their God must be so proud of them!
Why don't you start reading it yourself and give her tit for tat? For instance "The lord helps those who help themselves"? "You reap what you have sown"?

I just told another OP with a question here today that I personally don't deal with abusive people. That's my own grown- up decision for my own life.

I am 81. I have made it clear to my daughter, now 62, that this is her one life to live and enjoy. I have told her that she has now raised her son, he is through college and out working. Her hubby (who is a year younger than your Mom) is retired and she will retire soon. And this is some of the BEST YEARS OF THEIR LIVES when they are still strong enough to get out there and hike, travel and enjoy their lives free of CARE.
I have made it clear to them that there is to be NO caregiving of me. And in my humble opinion anything else would be selfish and inappropriate.

You have choices to make for your life now. I am very thankful you have a therapist and hope he or she will shake you up enough to try a new path, to move from the habit of an abusive person to beat you about the head.
You are making habitual choices to mind your abuser because that's what you have been taught. I hope this religious zealot has a lot of faith based community to help her. And if not there is always 911 or EMS to call, which is what those without any progeny are left with.

Shame on her, purely and simply. Shame!
I wish you the best and am thankful you are seeking help.

Lucky, what if you get ill or die?

Please look into F.O.G., fear, obligation and guilt. Your mom has done a good job creating lots of FOG for you to navigate through.

Remember the boundaries are not for her, they are for you. No need to discuss them or her behavior with her, nothing is going to change with her, except to perhaps worsen. If your boundary is less contact, do that. If it’s stopping a visit or phone call everytime the negativity or demands start, do that. No explaining or justifying. And please don’t get trapped by the wasted emotion of guilt. You’ve done nothing wrong. The fact is your mother will die one day, as we all will. Nothing you’re doing or not doing will change that fact. So mom starts in about her latest malady “sorry to hear that, guess you better call the doctor, gotta go, bye” Mom says you’re not doing enough “here’s what I can do ________, talk to you later” Mom says she took care of you “as every parent should, see you soon, bye” Living in stress is bad for your health and if you don’t guard it for yourself no one else will, I wish you peace

Boundaries are good, and know they don't like them at all.

I have a self loving mother too. She is 87 , so it's a little more forgivable at times. She is miserable much harder on the girls, expect so much more, to the point my sister disappeared and left her demands to me. Sence she isn't like that to my brother

Your mom is only 70, you have a long road if you don't put your boundaries up, you have a long road if you do. And it's ok to even disappear like my sister did. Sometimes I get very angry with my sister, but I think a lot of it is jealousy.

Stick with the boundaries, and read as much as you can about dementia, it does help to understand them

Does your Mother have a PoA?

Your profile says she has a history of depression. Aging decline doesn't help.

On a recent visit to I realized that my 71-year old cousin has the beginnings of dementia (or, something creating dementia-like symptoms). You don't have to be involved but an accurate diagnosis for your Mom would help the both of you.

But if you're not her PoA (and she doesn't have one) and she's uncooperative, there's not much you can do to help her. Your boundaries seem smart and healthy.

What specific advice do you need? Like, whether your boundaries are appropriate? Whether you should help her? I think the most you can choose to do is help her get an accurate diagnosis. If she's on medication, she could be under- or over-dosing herself; she could have a UTI, she could have had a TIA, she could be abusing a substance... all of these things (and more) can produce the symptoms you are describing.

You aren't obligated to do anything. It's totally up to you. We can't choose our family but we can choose how much we interact with them.

I’m sorry you’re still living with her controlling and manipulating your emotions. It must be exhausting and so stressful! You don’t have to jump when she says so. If she has a medical issue, you don’t have to be the one to listen to her carry on. She sounds like she can call her own doctor and talk to them. Go ahead and remove yourself from middle man. You can simply say that you’re not medically trained and it sounds like she needs a professional. You don’t have to solve her problems. You don’t have to take the emotional abuse. If she starts in on you, tell her that it looks like she’s getting worked up and so you’re going to end the convo (for her health if she has high BP.) I would suggest you put a boundary in place that you talk only twice a week, Monday and Friday maybe. Say it’s for your own stress level so you can get your own tasks in life completed. Then stick to it. Cut the convo short anytime she gets out of line. Anytime she is nasty, cut it off. Get up and leave. In the middle of dinner out, don’t stand for her abuse. If a toddler or a surly teenager were to treat you like that, would you accept and allow it? Same thing, you don’t have to accept abuse. Only follow doctor orders, you don’t have to play to her attention seeking drama. Tell her to take it up with the doctor. You won’t have to allow her behavior to be around you. You cannot control her or her behavior. You CAN control your own. Call her on being nasty, “ Now that isn’t true or kind. I am leaving now. Maybe next time we are together your behavior will be civil.” And leave. Dont justify, don’t argue, don’t deny her accusations, don’t explain yourself. JADE..those are the rules to live by. Only you can change the status quo, the engrained behavior pattern. You don’t have to give in to fear, obligation, or guilt. FOG. However, it’s easier said than done. Start with not answering her calls if it isn’t a convo day. One step at a time or she will consume you. Best of luck

Only talk to her no more than once a day or even 3 times a week or even not at all.