We have a Dad, mild vascular dementia, who is 85. 3 daughters and one brother. I am one of the daughters. When my Dad had prostate cancer 2 years ago I was him primary caregiver who took him to all his appts, ordered his medicine, took him to specialists. I work full time and we all live in the same area. My sister is retired, and my other siblings work like I do. I work from home, and my boss (at the time) told me to take time during the day to help my dad and do work later so no siblings had to help at all. My Dad had foot surgery and had 4 appts a week. I Took him to all appts, ordered all his meds, kept up on all his insurance---did everything while keeping up with my full time job. Then Game changer---I broke my foot. I have been told 6-8 weeks for recovery and im only 5 weeks in and my siblings want to know what my doctor says about healing, when I can return to help. I had NO vacation this year, No time off from caring for my dad, and both sisters and brothers took 2 week vacations, and both my sisters were sick too. One had pnuemonia for 2 weeks and other sister broke her wrist. My brother had major surgery and was out for 7 weeks. No one was pressured to heal sooner, but I am being so. Also the time amounts each sibling spends with my Dad is different. My dad lives in a senior living place in his own apt. and my sister spends 45 mins in the AM 5 days a week (she is retired) and my other brother goes for 2 hours 3 times a week. My other sister has him over for dinner on Sunday and goes 1 night a week. She is the one who puts the schedule together. My schedule before I broke my foot was Tuesday, Wed and Friday night for 2 hours, Saturday from 1130 to 4, Sunday at 7 to pick up for church, home by 11AM. I suggested we look at the amount of time we spend to be added up to keep it all fair, and was shot down. I suggested we speak to a counselor who has dealt with this before to get ideas on how to handle and equal the amount of time we spend with Dad. No one wanted to go. What else can I do to even up the Dr appts, times with dad, and everything else? Ideas??????? Thanks for listening.

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I NEVER thought things would change in my life. I honestly am not sure why they did, or if they'll stay this way, but for the last 3 ish weeks, my brothers have been helping. Prior to that, they basically ignored my texts and calls. This pattern started when our grandmother became ill, then our mom, and now our dad. So much has happened. It was so hurtful to realize they just didn't particularly care what this was doing to my or my children's lives, but also to the lives of the people who'd raised them and cared for them!!! I don't really trust their sudden interest, but am enjoying the respite nonetheless. For the first time in years, I feel I can come up for air and possibly start to rebuild a little bit of my own life again. I had basically decided 'two can play this game,' and pretty much stopped participating in family events unless my dad was there. I don't know if that was the impetus for change, if my dad said something to them, or if they got nervous about possibly being cut out of an inheritance. I really don't know, but I am cautiously optimistic. Stick to your guns!!
Helpful Answer (1)

I guess they DO want you to hurry back. Take all the time you need to heal and catch your breath. Then tell them you are going on vacation.
Then tell them to get back with you when they have an equitable plan. Don’t waiver. This is your life.
Helpful Answer (3)

If your dad has Vascular Dementia, NOW is the time to get him into a more supportive environment, such as a Continuing Care Community. VaD tends to progress in steps; sudden changes in levels of functioning, as opposed to the gradual decline of other dementias.

Think seriously about this. It will give dad time to adjust.
Helpful Answer (2)

Given all the issues in your family I think you and your family need to think about getting Dad in a place with a higher level of care.

My folks recently went into assisted living. Doc is on site, meds are all done including mom’s insulin. Laundry, meals etc. there is no way I could do all this even if a I had an involved family, which I do not.
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