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Give yourself a few minutes this may be a little long and covers a few issues. My father is 74- my mother passed 2 years ago. I live six hours away in another state- my brother, dad and sis live on same town. Dad lives with bro. Dad has always been an alcoholic- drank on and off. Didn't really have an effect on me until now. My bro is younger and suffered verbal abuse when a teen by Dad when drunk. Sadly, Mom tried her best to make the peace.
Dad has always been depressed now that I think back- mother was also verbally abusive to us as kids. She's deceased and not the problem at the moment so I'll move on. Dad got worse with drinking, depression, pill popping, and being his miserable self in full swing while my mom got very sick and after she passed. It was Parkinson's she had so it was a long agonizing illness and it took its toll, especially on him. I understand his pain...After her funeral, he got a diagnosis of cancer in his neck, which they removed and he did radiation. He is not an easy patient. Does not take pills when he's supposed to and won't let anyone, even my bro who takes care of him help with his meds. Of course he received pain meds so all was well with him. The radiation did take its toll but they have not found anymore cancer thankfully and no more tumors. But it ruined his swallowing ability and eventually it all came down to he is now on a feeding tube. Forgive me if I don't have all the medical info- it's long and frankly I don't know everything I get it secondhand from my bro, my sister (another story) doesn't pay any attention and dad doesn't let anyone come in the room and we are no longer on the lists of any of his docs so they can't legally talk to us. Anyway, sorry if I jump around there is so much and I'm letting it out. So my bro is taking care of him and Dad abuses it, he can do more than he lets on, we've seen it. He's not very nice to my bro- who is by the way bipolar and on disability. But bro says he wants to care for him but I have gotten a few calls telling me he's kicking Dad out. I've even had to leave my family, my kids to drive over 400 miles to straighten things out and he got mad at me for telling a doc at hospital things he was doing, he will not seek psych help at all. Might take antidepressant fir a few weeks. Reasons for that: drama, Dads drinking and even with the tube he does- puts vodka in the tube. He was sneaking out after bro went to bed and getting it, he's smoking cigars too but that's the least of our problems. Dad is very depressed and talks about death constantly, his grandchildren have a hard time talking to him. He lies, can't trust him-he's been baker acted twice for saying he was going to kill himself he wanted to die. Tells us he can't wait to die, etc. told extended family he was "going to go" at any moment" and was even in hospice (was taken out) because of his low weight) we believe he purposely doesn't take nutrition because he wants to die, look skinny , get attention and sympathy. It's embarrassing... Ambulance has been called because he's fallen down drunk and bro couldn't get him up. Cops have been to house to baker act him twice. Jeez, I could go on. So much dysfunction. Yesterday I talked to one of my mothers sisters, who is reliable and dad had told her he wants to be cremated and one of his nephews, who lives 1,000 miles away from him will take care of his ashes. Well, first of all I am the one to take care of his business when he passes, and second of all, he's got three of them and I don't believe he talks to any of them. They do not care about him. I haven't asked him about it. I have to tread lightly. He doesn't have any money really- I'm wondering if he's telling my aunt BS, he's confused, his nephew thinks he's going to get money, or what. He is entitled to care for his business how he likes but he should tell us if he is. But I'm mostly afraid someone's taking advantage. He already gives my sister, who won't go to work, does nothing money so she can lay her bills and she doesn't move in with him and my bro. She's that toxic. I wish I could stop that. I'm trying. That's another story... He's awful to care for, my bro deserves a medal- very hard. He tells stories, or is he having signs of dementia? He's stubborn, an alcoholic, won't let us on on his medication or anything. Hands tied, we need help.. I know I forgot somethings, sorry so long... Thank you...

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I'd wondered who was flushing it.
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You are right. " It's just drama and toxicity. ... I have to- keep some distance because I cannot have this 24/7."

You have to keep some distance. You need to detach from what you cannot control or even help. This is very difficult. You deserve support to do this. PLEASE seek some third-party, objective counselling.
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Alcoholism can cause dementia through liver damage so that may be what is going on. The health care professionals may not be able to tell you anything but you certainly can tell them everything you know.
i agree that waiting for the inevitable crisis is all you can do at this point. Brother must be getting some kind of psychiatric help to manage the medications for his bipolar. So let his physicians worry about him.
If you feel Dad is living in an unsafe situation you can call Adult protective Services to make an assessment. Are utilities still on? Is the house in disrepair? Is Dad clean and his clothes washed. Does the house smell bad?
At this point i think you need to keep your distance and never take any responsibility such as signing papers that make you responsible for any bills. not a very helpful answer i am afraid but there really isn't one at this time.

PS at least the Vodka keeps the feeding tube from blocking up!!!!!!!!
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If they are co-dependent you can only wait for the fall or other incident that ends up with him being discharged to a NH, or dies. At that point you can let your brother know you are willing to help, and then just wait. If there is one thing I learned in Al-Anon it is that they they hear you the first time, and remember. repeated offers are just seen as nagging and can cause resistance. When and if he is ready he will seek help.
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I've tried the facility route, believe me I know he needs to be in one. It's coming. How do you make someone go into a nursing home? Assisted living is unaffordable. My brother keeps giving him chances and it's ridiculous. It's sickening. He just seems he thinks he can help him, I gave had so many talks with him about all of this. It's just drama and toxicity. We have begged dad to get help with alcoholism but he won't of course and why would he at this point? No one can make him. I have to- keep some distance because I cannot have this 24/7. My health is not the best either I have an autoimmune disease. But my bro just seems to keep the cycle going. I can't physically do anything. I don't think dad would be considered legally incompetent at this time, if someone is stubborn and won't take care of themselves and needs to go to a home- how can you make them when you can't even go to his doctors for help? I cannot afford a lawyer. He will not go anywhere willingly and I honestly think my bro is trying to keep him home but at what expense? I just think they thrive on drama.
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"Well, first of all I am the one to take care of his business when he passes," This is what struck me. I read it as deep down inside you feel responsible for fixing what is an unfix able situation. If you dad doesn't buy into the idea that he needs to change, nothing will happened. He is, indeed, as others have said, is abusing his brother. your brother? I couldn't work that out. The point is, the only person you can help here is your brother or uncle. In this state, he'd be considered a victim of domestic abuse. Also a vulnerable adult due to his mental illness. It will be hard; counseling will help. I can not save your father; you can't change your family. You can't change your brother or uncle. You can only offer him help. It must be very, very hard to see all this suffering and know there is so little you can do.
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I agree with country mouse, the sad victim here is your brother. Your father won’t change, it’s hurting your brother who has problems of his own. Help your brother find a facility that can handle your father.

I had an ex FIL who was just like your dad. I used to pray he’d die so he’d stop hurting my ex husband’s family. And the entire area that my MIL and he lived in. He killed a young woman driving drunk. At the end, my MIL cared for my ex FIL and it took forever for him to die. And it was a horrible death.

So help your brother get your father in a facility, locked if necessary.
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So the police have twice (at least) been involved, come to the house, and Baker Acted your father. Off he goes to be assessed. He's stabilised. Then there's the discharge plan. And your brother says he wants to look after your father.

It might help if your brother could be persuaded to stop doing that.

But Susie the big question is: how involved do you want to get? You didn't create any of this, you weren't the cause of any of these people's unhappiness. It must be incredibly stressful, frustrating and painful for you, and you've already had to put everything on hold before now to go there physically and get things straight. How many more times are you prepared to do that?

Your brother does indeed deserve a medal for his efforts as a loving son. But just looking at the practical structure of your father's "care package," so to speak, it is unsatisfactory that your father's primary caregiver does not have HIPPAA authorisation and is in several ways vulnerable himself. I'm not making sweeping judgements about bi-polar conditions, either - what about financially? What effect might the stress have on him? What about their earlier history? - which must make it very difficult for your brother to reach objective decisions about your father's best interests and follow them through assertively. It's not fair on your brother, and it's not working for your father.

Who made the "few calls" telling you that your brother is kicking Dad out? To where? Have you spoken to your brother about it? If it turns out to be true, it could be a blessing in disguise and the important thing then would be to help your brother not turn back. Your Dad does need help, but if he won't take it from his children maybe this is the change that has to happen.
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So much dysfunction.

You cannot fix what's broken here. Your brother can't, either.

Dad will not seek psych help at all. You can't fix that. But YOU can seek counselling. And your brother can. You deserve all the support you can get coping with this sad, challenging situation.

I don't think there is any help for Dad. I'm sorry, but I really don't. Save yourself.
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Susie-I don't have an answer for you. Your dad's situation is so dysfunctional. I wouldn't want to go on if I were in his shoes. I don't think you have the power to change him, his drinking, his abusive behavior. Perhaps, you should try to accept what you can't change. Don't let his dysfunctional situation spills onto your life. Wishing you peace.
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