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My mother has been in a memory care facility for 2 years. I am her main caregiver. I have two brothers that live far away. One comes 3 to 4 times a year and talks weekly with mom. The other visits once a year (if that) and talks occasionally. This one is retired and wealthy enough to to fly in once a month if he wanted to. On the rare occasion when he does come to visits it is only because it was conveniently on his way to some other destination. He flies in, stays a day, then flies out. After he has visited mom, he talks to me like he is updating me on her situation, like I'm not involved in her life 24/7. She has recently had pneumonia and a blood infection that sent her to a nursing home for rehab after the hospital stay. He came and saw her and criticized the food they where serving her, saying it was horrible. Surprisingly the food is very good. I asked him if he tasted it and he made a face and said "a no."He is constantly texting photos of gourmet food he is eating or preparing, which has gotten very annoying. You would think that you have just saw your mother in a nursing home and you think the food is garbage, why send more fancy food photos. Maybe I am too involved, maybe this has taken over my life and I can't seem to look past my mom's situation, but I feel he has no empathy for her. It's not just the food photos it's everything. He once that just "caring" about mom was enough, he didn't have to visit her a lot. My husband says he is oblivious to my mom's situation and I should just except it and forget it, he is what he is. I know he is right but the anger is building up inside. Some may say I'm jealous that I'm stuck as caregiver and not removed from the situation, but I would rather be here. I'll never regret it. I just don't understand how a son can act that way.

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Lol...CT...can't wait to see their faces! I suggested that to my brother and mom....since you both think each other are so perfect....move mom close to you....there were tons of excuses against it ...sometimes you gotta laugh..and cry...nice to see them squirm...;)
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You cannot force someone to care. My brother was all that and worse.

Pretend you have no sibling and carry on. Otherwise you just upset yourself, you cannot effect them
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LexMary, goodness I do feel for you.

Jeanne is absolutely right.

In fact, she is not only right, she is also wise and without anger. Because she left out option 4: tell him what you think of him. Which if it were me could get quite unladylike.

It is indeed a question of what relationship, if any, you wish to have with this brother in future and adapting your communications with him to meet that wish.

Fortunately, he is not in a position to undermine the excellent care you have arranged for your mother so it really doesn't matter what he says - he can be as annoying as all get-out, but as long as it doesn't affect what happens that's something to be grateful for.
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You are right SheriJean. If/when she needs a SNF, I am going to strongly suggest that it should be out of state and near one of my brothers (first choice Sonny NoShow). I will say it is because she is not happy with me, and it would make her happier to live out her final days near another child.

(NOT that I think this would do any good, but it will make at least a few of my brothers feel uncomfortable, so it will be worth it.)
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Dear CT...your mom is grasping at straws..it's too hurtful to acknowledge your brothers callousness ...the one who gets the anger..kicked ..is the one she knows ...thinks...will stay...because she knows your nature...and WIll take advantage of it...
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I have three brothers, and although all of them are out of state, one in particular is less involved than the others. It's now been one year since he's been to see my mother. He always has some excuse, and my mother thinks he walks on water. Makes me sick!

Meanwhile, I was told just the other day by my mother that I "don't do much for her at all." And I'm a "nasty person" because I didn't want to get involved in her ridiculous Vitamin B6 crusade. But Sonny No-Show hangs the moon. (None of my brothers are very involved with my mother, but the other two make some effort to get down here and see her a few times a year. One has even offered to let Sonny No-Show ride with him. For some reason, he is incapable of driving down here by himself. My mother gets furious when there is any criticism of him.)
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Great advice Jeanne! I have to battle anger...at my Narcissitic mom...and my brother who only micromanages...who won't even listen to me vent anymore ..it's a constant emotional battle...BUT my mental health is precious to me...life is a vapor..a gift...I can't allow this situation...that I can't change anyway...steal another minute of it..
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Your brother has no empathy for your mother. Accept that. There is nothing you can do to change it. You can write him off as a jerk and have minimal contact with him. Or, if you think the relationship is worth salvaging at least to the point of civility, don't discuss Mom with him. Ever. Chat about mutual interests, or his interests, and keep it brief. It sounds like he sees himself as some kind of food connoisseur. Food would be safe to chat about (not mother's food, though). "I think you would have liked the restaurant we went to last night. This is how they served lamb chops ..." He sounds like the type that would then take over the conversation, relieving you of the effort.

I think you have 3 choices:
1) Keep fretting about this and let it erode your mental well being
2) Break ties with this jerk
3) Maintain minimum civil relations with him, but don't expect to ever be friends
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I completely understand.
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LexMary--

You can be as angry as you like--and it won't change the situation one iota. People either step up when the going gets tough or they flee into the night.

If your brother cared, he'd be there. I see this over and over on this site, and in 'real life'. I have 4 sibs who could all help with mother--3 simply will not. No excuses, they just don't.

You can't make people care, you can't make them show up and help. I don't know if it's fear or selfishness, it is what it is.

Having said that, I too have a lot of anger towards my MIA sibs for never doing anything for mother. Working through the anger is a work in progress.

Do what you do and let the other stuff go.
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I had the same situation. Brother in another state, retired millionaire, married, no kids. He didn't come to see mom in the last seven years of her life. I made him call her once a week so I could get a day off. He'd forget to do that too. And when he called, I'm sure his calls lasted about two minutes. A couple times a year, he'd send mom stuff that just meant more work for me (a flower arrangement I'd have to get rid of when it died or big packaging I'd have to take care of). Or he'd send mom candy and email me to "be sure to get a few pieces from mom's gift." He probably thanked me for my 15 years of caregiving less than five times in those 15 years. Never sent me a thank you card. Sent me flowers once on my birthday. That's it.

After she died, I sent him a scathing email asking him how he could behave that way. We grew up in a military family where you learned responsibility. I got that message in spades. He evidently didn't. He *says* he'll always regret it. I don't believe that for a minute. He's very self-absorbed and will probably always be that way. I'm working on what relationship I want to have with him going forward. I'm still not sure at this point.

But one thing I did learn after a while was that my anger at him was hurting me and not him. For a while (a few years), I was SOOOO angry at him. But it finally dawned on me that it wasn't affecting him in the least (he didn't even know) and it was killing me. So I let that anger go. Now it's just profound disappointment. So I'm still a work-in-progress about my own brother and our relationship.
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Ps...your brother is very aware of your moms situation...he just doesn't want to sacrifice his time or energy to help...that's the way it seems to me anyway...I could be wrong...but I don't think so.
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I get this...have a similar situation ...somewhere in his conscience he must feel guilt..a inner knowledge that he's not helping..not doing the right thing...so he's going to micromanage from a position of safety..with no real involvement in the daily issues of moms care..in other words...he's trying to ease his guilt. You on the other hand...are the real deal! You are a caring person! Hugs and prayers of strength for you!
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