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I lived with my parent for 15 years and since about a year ago he has dementia and is very frail (he uses a walker). I moved out three months ago and since then EVERY TIME I SPEAK TO HER she complains incessantly about how much worse everything has been since I moved. Not true, when I was there I just dealt with it. I do not want to get into an argument but I cannot possibly listen to that selfishness any longer. Help..

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I'm sure that it is worse FOR YOUR sibling. You're not there any more doing the work. Once you withdraw support, all the little things that someone was not doing well or for themselves suddenly is brought to light and someone else is having to deal with it. I find that "oh, really?" and "that must be a challenge" are great filler statements. You don't have to argue, just let it roll off your back. It's not your burden right now. Congratulations for making a move for better mental health.
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If sister is voicing her frustration, pain and concerns, then, I'd take it seriously and suggest that she get help. She can explore what help there may be, such as getting outside persons to come in, adult day care, bath aids, etc. There may be a number of things that he qualifies for. I'd be blunt that I was not able to assist any longer, but, encourage her to get the help she needs.
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I agree with Sunnygirl. Instead of deflecting her complaints, take some time to work with her to find her help. Her job is not easy. If she wasn’t much help to you over the 15 years you were a caregiver, she probably has no idea what she’s doing. We all have wonderful ideas of what we are going to do to make the one who’s being cared for pure bliss, but it seldom winds up that way. Explore insurance coverage to determine what help can be arranged. Have your sister help as well, don’t do it all yourself. Then, if you find help, it’s ok to turn off her complaining.
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No, I'm sure your sister did not anticipate being left on her own to deal with her by now frail and mentally frail father.

I'm sorry, I know it's mean to find it comical, but as scuppered plans go oh brother! has she ever been blown to bits. Nothing but flotsam!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your having married and left to lead your life with your husband. Belated congratulations, and I wish you both every future happiness.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. C'mon. I mean to say. Think you'd still just be "getting on with it" as your father's health and mental health enter this decline? No you wouldn't. Be fair. Stop looking on this as payback because the situation is just no longer the same. Encourage your sister to review your father's care options and find what additional resources she needs.
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Were you the primary caregiver for dad? Did she step in to fill your shoes after 15 years? If you were BOTH there, I can see why she's feeling angry. If she willingly stepped into the role you know all too well--I'd just keep any conversations short and to the point.

Yes, we all know caregiving is hard. I recently stepped out of my role for my mother, and handed it over to 3 sibs who have done absolutely nothing for her. I'm waiting to hear how much "fun" they are having.
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Nantucket, we do get it, honestly we do. For years and years Sister was nowhere to be seen while you took care of your father. Then when it suited her she turned up and enjoyed free accommodation, while you continued to do almost all of the work. Then, no doubt to her horror - did she disguise it well? :) - you got a much better offer and quite rightly took it; she's been left holding the big baby; and you would have to be a model of compassion and charity not at least partly to be thinking that it kind of serves her right.

But for us the question is what now? You say you can't listen to her selfishness, and ask for advice about how to handle it. And our response is, handle it by concentrating not on what has gone before but on what she's facing now.

If your sister is a classic Narcissist, then I would put a modest bet on her changing the situation all by herself very rapidly. If there is one thing you can rely on a narc to do, it is not to put herself out on someone else's behalf for long. She'll either recruit "servants" (as she'll see them, even if they're called something else) or your father will go into a facility, and she, like a cat, will take herself off somewhere more comfortable.

But selfishness? Complaining about how difficult it is to cope with your father on her own? It IS difficult. You know that better than she does!
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Sure, she's missing your presence. 15 years is a long time to be together.
I'm sure it's an adjustment for both of them to not have you there.

Your answer to her could be; "I'm sorry, I can't talk about that right now." She will start again. Repeat the sentence. Keep repeating until she gets the idea. If she keeps going, tell her you have to hang up.

Don't get sucked into talking about it. It takes 2 to have a conversation.
Cut off her whining BEFORE she gets going. You can control this by not accepting to discuss it.
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Thanks everyone for your input. I was the only caregiver and my fathers decline began about two years ago. My sibling sold her house and moved in to save some money and relocate. What she did not anticipate I’m quite sure is me getting married and moving out! Apparently I my fathers aging and my marriage changed her plans....the nerve of me!!!
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We are a support group, Nantucket, but some of us are probably sympathizing with your sister right now. Nothing about your sister's complaining to you strikes me as necessarily narcissistic, or even selfish. Probably because I was the one who was stuck with most of the care for my mother and I was constantly complaining to my less-than-supportive siblings about how overwhelmed I felt. It's easier for me to see your sister's point of view on this than yours.
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I think that dads care should trump everything else. If your sister is a narcissist, and I believe you, then I would worry about dad. He may be in danger, my parents are both narcissists, I believe they would not cross the street to p**s on me if I was on fire. So I get dealing with your sister is NO FUN, but please make sure dad is in a safe place. You now have a new life and a man that should be your 1st priority, take the time to get dad set up and let your sister have her own life, just not on dads money, he will need every penny to ensure his care until the end. I hope you find what's right for dad and you soon. I can not have much compassion for the sister who wants everything with out ever giving anything, my brother in a nut shell.
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