How can I listen without criticizing?

I think you have to get tough and very firm with her. When she starts complaining, just simply say, I will listen but not if you complain. If you have good things to talk about, we can have a nice conversation. And if she starts complaining about your brother, say to her that you refuse to listen and then WALK AWAY - let her sputter and fume. She will soon learn and you will keep your sanity. Don't let her get away with it. Tell her in no uncertain terms - you will not tolerate the constant complaints. And then stand up to her.

One lesson I learned unrelated to my mother was that you cannot change someone else's behavior. You can only change your own. If she is depressed, about the only thing that might work is some medication. If someone manages her medications (she must be taking some, given her other medical issues), use a timed locked pill dispenser, get the doctor to prescribe and just add those to it.

As for her complaining - about the only things you can do is just tune it out and mmmm-hmmm her to death (like the old images of dad reading the paper at the table while mom drones on!), OR let her go on a bit and try to divert the conversation, or come up with a pretense to leave. Chalk her negative comments to what they are - nothing. In one ear, out the other. You can't change her, only your reactions to it. Certainly try to avoid correcting or arguing with her, as this will accomplish nothing other than to work you up. It isn't worth it.

Some people just thrive on this kind of behavior. Especially prevalent in elders, but it really doesn't know age boundaries! Our mother used to bash/trash talk various people (brothers, her own sisters, my SILs, my ex, her "friends" in the condo area, my kids' SOs.) It was nothing new, but certainly can ramp up with old age (and loss of filters!) I used to think to myself if those friends or relatives ever knew what she said about them, they'd probably not speak to her again! I'm certain she probably trash talked me as well, when I wasn't around! It can be toxic, so yeah, it takes effort to let it go and purge it. As for my former SILs, one was long divorced from my brother and later passed away following surgery. The last time she started in on her, I swore if she ever brought it up again I would lambaste her, say the woman is dead, LET IT GO! Turns out that next time never happened. Dementia crept in and the topic didn't come up again, thankfully. At this point, her complaints might be there's nothing to do here (MC.) Can't tell her you had nothing to do at home in your condo either, but here that's because you choose not to participate in any activities - some maybe of no interest, others she just declines. Well... choose your bed and lie in it!!

So long as you know your brother is doing the best he can, be supportive of him. Don't relay the negative comments to him, just be thankful TO him for what he does to help out! Laughter is the best medicine, so try to laugh it off with him! I wish my brothers would take more initiative in visiting/interacting with mom. She has already started to forget who they are today (no clue who YBs kids were, or that he even had been married/had kids!) I try to keep those memories alive with chat and pix when I visit. I had the girls' mother send me recent pix and it did bring back some memory of them, but her comment was that they looked "Irish"! Pig-headed old thoughts from wayyy back in the day! But of course they WOULD look Irish, if there is any such thing, since their mom has Irish ancestry! My son's wife - who is she, she looks like a foreigner... Those kind of comments irk me, but I do realize that this is old ingrained thoughts from when she was growing up - not due to dementia or old age, it is just who she is.

When the complaints become personal, such as being about your brother, there’s nothing wrong with saying “mom, I’m happy to listen, but not to negativity about others” or just “my brother” or “I’m not listening to gossip” or whatever makes it clear that she’s making you uncomfortable with what she’s saying. Tell her there’s a world of other things to discuss and you’re happy to do so, but there are places to draw a line. This isn’t different than it would be with anyone

firstoffive: You're welcome.

So as she wants you to listen, but not respond, perhaps ear plugs would be a solution. No one says "Oh, old age is great." Perhaps a mental evaluation is in order for her so that meds can be updated/new ones administered. God bless YOU. Good luck. That's not easy.

I used to get tired of my parents complaining about my brother too. My parents were 100% right. I only learned that after it became too late to listen. My parents were gone. Just appreciate every word. Listen. Care. You’ll be glad when your kids listen to you.

Three words: adult day care. Get her into one and just ignore her when she starts complaining.

I couldn't believe it when I read the question. It could have been written by me (except that I live a distance so our conversations are mostly by phone). My mother does not understand that my brother is 70, takes care of his wife, in poor health full time and lives 45 minutes away from her. Nothing he will ever do could be enough and to compound that, he's made some serious mistakes in his life that she will never forgive. Sometimes when I call her it's like I've requested a report of complaints about my brother because that's 90% of the conversations and it's repeated several times. I make a few comments like "well, I don't know why he's like that" and then I say something to totally change the conversation like "he had a yellow car one time didn't he, wow, I saw the brightest yellow car the other day, amazing." (then go into a whole car conversation, etc) Total distraction sometimes helps.

Like you, I have a mother who likes to monologue. I became frustrated when trying to engage in conversation, until she told me flat out that she did not want to converse, just to "vent." I have no real interest in her snits and quarrels, so to maintain sanity, I just tune her out, listening just enough to issue an occasional affirmative-sounding "Mmmmm."

Irritability is a symptom of depression.

Mom wants to stick with her own doctors, but her own doctor has suggested a mental health evaluation, hasn't he?

What part of "mom, you are crabby because you are depressed and there's treatment for that" doesn't she get?

Get up and walk away when she crabs. Say "mom, that's not you talking, it's the depression. You need to get treated".

firstoffive, I am responding as someone who no longer speaks to her sister due to 10 years of toxic interference from our mother. We never had much of a relationship because mom has always played us off each other and has since we were children. It is sad and regrettable.

I think you are well within your rights to tell your mother you will not listen to her complaints about brother, his girlfriend, or other siblings, and then follow through by getting up and walking away from her. As another poster said, this type of complaining can be contagious -- the toxicity leaks into other areas of family life. It also turns innocent people (like the girlfriend) into scapegoats, which isn't fair and can do real damage.

Your mother may react to this boundary with rage, but you don't have to listen to it. Walk away.

By the way, I have to chuckle at the advice that poor brother take mom out for a meal once a week. Do you really believe this would satisfy your mother? I doubt it. She is busy hurrumphing at the attention brother shows his girlfriend. Oh, that one weekly meal could fix that!

You seem like a very smart and compassionate person. Best wishes as you figure this out!

Hi there!

Several year’s ago my mom started getting real crabby & that was so out of character for her. When I took her to a doctor appointment I brought it up. (I didn’t tell my mom prior to the appt that I was going to talk to her doc about it.) Her doctor simply said, “we can take care of that easily”! He started her on an anti depressant. Wow! What a huge difference that made after a few weeks. Now we have our lovely, happy & good natured mama back.

Just a thought. Good luck!

Lynn

Instead of answering your mother’s complaints about your brother, could you just say something nice instead? “Yes but he has a good heart” or “He’s such a good looking man” or ‘He keeps himself fit” or “He tells us interesting really stories about his travels”. It might distract your mother, and even if it doesn’t, you haven’t argued or gone along with the complaints.

The complaining doesn’t stop with some people no matter what you say or do. I’m not going to say something dumb like ignore it. That becomes impossible to do if it’s chronic.

One thing I have done is find a distraction, cooking on stove, important phone call, etc.

I tell mom that unless she wants a burned dinner that I have to get back to cooking, make a phone call, anything like that.

Set Boundaries.

I would clearly state I am not going to spend my time listening to your complain. If you plan to spend the day complaining, then I am taking you right back home.

If she continues, ask her "Why would brother take you on a social outing when all you do is complain the entire time?"

She wants you out of her business? In that case, you can easily stop coming by as often or trying to help. When she asks why, remind her that’s you’re simply respecting her wish.

Won’t take long for her attitude to change!

Thanks for replying with such a clear and detailed description, Firstoffive.

I'm afraid it doesn't make me very hopeful. I think you are right to think that your mother needs a proper assessment; and unfortunately what you'd be looking for is changes in her brain which explain her negativity, constant criticisms, and painfully low mood.

But. If her doctor suggested a counsellor, the doctor must also recognise the need for a specialist consult. Rather than you asking her to do this, won't he? Can't he tell her he needs further and better information to manage her health as well as possible? - it has the great virtue of being true!

The complaining wears us down and it’s contagious too. I find it rubs off on me, then I have to be extra careful with my husband and kids. Don’t do it on purpose but it has a way of trickling down.

I feel your pain. Sounds like she just wants to dump all her negativity. Maybe it's too heavy for her to carry all that around and she's basically ranting? I've become the master of the non answers. Things like mmmhmmm, uh huh, oh wow, I see, etc... If she's directing them all at you I guess that's saving your brother some pain from the direct assault? I would go with humoring her and privately letting your brother know that's how you are handling things because it's easier for you not to confront her. Good luck!

Tricky one.

Not my mother, but I was fond of a Career Complainer who was a bit like this on the subject of my (lovely) SIL and her (excellent) husband. She would ring me up for an enjoyable hour's slandering of them both. When it got actually slanderous, as in actionable, I would exclaim "D-! You can't say things like that, he'll sue!" but most of the time she was content if I just chipped in sound effects like "gosh, really?" and "tut" and "dear dear."

Or, you can try the Socratic method and ask questions instead of making comments. The difficulty here is not sounding sarcastic or overtly incredulous.
E.g., if you have to respond to "he never takes me out to dinner," "hmmm, I wonder why?" will not go down well. Try: "is there anywhere you'd love to go for a special occasion?" and see if that opens the subject up in a nice way.

Also - I should have said this first - make sure the complaints are irrational, all the way through to the bottom. They may just be in disguise, with something real in there. You say she's *become* crabby. Have you noticed any other changes?

Well um, 1st an obvious question: is there any reason why he truly can’t take her out? I hear you, you say you take her out. I don’t know, I would think trying a little adjusting in that department if it really doesn’t conflict with a lot of things can be in order. Once a week? Every two weeks? Just something.

You two will have to talk about it. you don’t address that in your question so I don’t know how off my suggestion is.

As far as listening to her complaints, I would suggest when she starts, ask her if she wants advice or if she just wants you to listen. If she says she just wants you to listen, then be nice & friendly and gently say you can give her 15 minutes but you’ve got other things to do. After that, tell her you’ll be back later to listen some more when you can take a break from them. And then do it. Be consistent.

be polite and positive but the most important thing for yourself is be consistent. Back up what you say. Even if you don’t have something to do really, go away for a while, 15-20 minutes. turn on the shower and hide in the bedroom, whatever it takes. it’s the respect you have to establish with her more than the time it’s self and only you can establish that. And you really can. A good thing to do too, is to Surprise her occasionally and sit down and offer venting time when she’s not expecting it and then noting your time limit to yourself, and make an excuse to go when time is up. It’s so hard, I know Good luck & God bless

Since she's 89 years old, unless she's really being mean, I'd just listen to her. If she is convinced that she's right, maybe, this is some kind of delusion (In which case you can't change her belief). Plus, I disagree with some of my family members about certain things. Does that mean I'm right? .....well, I think so, but, others probably don't. So, there are two sides. It might hard to tough it out and just listen, but, I'd try. You might say, "I'm sorry this situation (whatever she is upset about) is making you feel miserable. What can I do to cheer you up? Let's start with a nice manicure or facial." Then, let mom pick out something she really wants to do, like a special cafe or church gathering to attend. Try to create new memories of things the two of you can talk about, so, she won't need to dwell on the sore topics.

I think God has given me things to strengthen my patience muscle. lol

It sounds like your bro is being some what reasonable in balancing his time. He has set boundaries as to what he will do for your mum. Though it is a good idea, I doubt him taking her out for a few meals would stem the complaints. Some people have a negative take on life -their glass is always half empty, not half full. Sounds like your mum has much to be thankful for but she is not seeing it. She prefers to focus on the things she doesn't have.

For yourself, reflecting her feelings back to her without agreeing may help " I can see that that upsets you", "I hear you are very frustrated by this", and such. Defending your brother is further aggravating her and is not accomplishing anything good. He is satisfied with what he is doing and doesn't need you to defend him.

Set some boundaries - if your mother continues to complain then limit your visit and tell her you will come back when she is feeling better. I know it is hard to sit and listen to someone who b*tches all the time - especially about the same subject. My mother did that and wanted me to agree with her. Mostly I couldn't agree, so I limited my time with her when she complained. "Gotta go, I have errands to run."

Another technique is distraction - change the subject to something that interests her and even if she is negative, it upsets you less.

Finally detaching emotionally will help. Here are some points on detaching:

Accept that others are responsible for their own choices. (e.g.complaining)
Anger – deal with it in a healthy way. 
Blame – don’t blame and don’t accept blame. 
Consequences – face them and see that others experience consequences of their choices too. (you are facing what listening to the complaints is doing to you and looking for ways to deal with it e.g. limit visits as a consequence for your mum.)
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do. (how much time are you willing to listen to her complaints)

Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviors, though the feelings should (will) follow the behaviors.
Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviors towards others – kindness, compassion. 
Don’t enable the unhealthy behaviors of others. (continual complaining is unhealthy)
Focus on yourself and what is good for you. (It is not good for you to have to listen to complaints all the time)
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself. 
Refuse to be manipulated e.g., emotional blackmail 
Respond, don’t react - be proactive.
Separate yourself - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviors/feelings if necessary
Set boundaries. 
Say “No”. 
Space –create it between you and them. 
Try not to take their behaviors personally. 

Good luck. You have to look after yourself too. I doubt it helps your mother for you to listen to her complaints for very long, and it certainly doesn't help you.

BTW - I am 81 and my daughter wouldn't put up with that from me and I am glad that she wouldn't.

One last thing - does your mother have dementia or is she in pain? There may be a health reason she is more crabby.

Can brother get a place of his own? Then she doesn't see what he is doing. Maybe you should see if brother can take her to lunch or dinner at least once a week. You could tell her that its not unusual for sons attention goes to their GFs. Thats how its suppose to be.

My MIL I think felt she should come before her DILs. She was in for a surprise, wives always came first. So much so with two sons that wives family trumped the sons. Not with my husband and me, our families lived in the same town. Then MIL moved to FL meaning she saw the son that did for her a lot less.

I guess you are just going to have to listen. I would tell her though, just because you listen doesn't mean you agree.