How are you dealing with a negative elderly parent?

I have many years of experience dealing with things like this and I know many of you will not listen to what I have to say but life has taught me a few things which have proven to be true (I will be 88 so I have had the chances to learn). For all kinds of reasons, many seniors become very hostile and nasty and there behaviors are atrocious. I believe the first thing to do is sit them down and very kindly but firmly make them listen while you tell them "what is" and that this will no longer be tolerated or accepted. Set boundaries and be prepared to enforce them. But don't think it is going to change anything - you are doing this because you are the decent person trying to do the right thing. If nothing works, you have to decide if you are going to be a stupid victim and allow them to harm you and make your life miserable or are you going to do something about it because you are worth it. If they refuse to cooperate, then I say to let them lie in the bed which they have made. You ignore them, you do not cater to them, and you don't tolerate the bad behavior. If need be, you explode (to save YOUR sanity and not hold it in and make yourself sick). Or,best, you place them where they are cared for and you have a decent life. Not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker and shouldn't be one. Others can let it roll of their backs. We are all different - but the point is - YOU DO NOT ALLOW THIS BEHAVIOR AND YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO STOP IT. I don't know about her teeth - you could have a dental check up - but do NOT buy false teeth. They will be lost at once - seen it happen over and over again. It is too late. She may have to eat soft food with her gums but at least she would be eating.

What's irritating to me is the attitude that old age is so hard and such a terrible burden to endure, etc. And how much sympathy we should have for the poor souls who are old and full of aches and pains. Guess what? There are young people battling horrible diseases and cancers that keep them in pain 24/7 but manage to maintain a cheerful outlook on life. They may not live to see 50 but don't spend their time ruining their family members lives or begging for attention and sympathy from them. Life is a gift and every day we have on Earth is a day to celebrate, not to feel entitled to bring someone else down because we are old or in a bad mood or hurting!

Plenty of US are hurting too, but that doesn't stop our mother's from expecting us to keep doing for THEM, now does it?

This entitlement issue that some elders have that their children need to keep them entertained and happy all day while they gripe and complain is BS. They wear us out and play the guilt card on us as though we've earned it somehow! We haven't. My uncle is almost 101, with one arm, pancreatic cancer, a widow with no children who enjoys his old age in Assisted Living without burdening his nieces and nephews with his complaining. He is a gentleman who everyone loves visiting instead of a big pain in the butt who everyone avoids like the plague. He's aged with grace as MANY seniors have chosen to do. Yet here we are, making excuses for why it's ok for our mother's to be acting like spoiled brats every day!!

Stop enabling your loved ones and use some tough love once in awhile. Say No, I can't possibly do that for you mother, I'm way too busy. Tell her you don't appreciate being treated like crap and won't stand for it anymore. Tell her you can't help her if she refuses to budge off of the sofa or away from the tv set. Then stay away for awhile so she has time to feel what it's like to not have you at her beck and call.

There are so many heartbreaking stories in this post. The one that stands out over and over is parents feeling their children owe them for the life they provided and early years of care.

Your parents chose to give you life. That makes them responsible for raising you. If they truly didn't want to then you could have been put up for adoption. I feel each parent who is stating these awful remarks should be put in their place. This is so terribly hurtful.

I hope I might be near one of my 3 children if I grow very old. I don't particularly love the states they are in and I am very happy in my state but never ever would I want to share a household with them. I just might like the proximity but I may not feel that way in the future. I can't say how I will feel but I know I would never tell them they owe me their life for the past. I hope some or all of you can make this point to them.

Thanks for the responses, it assures me I’m not the only one dealing with an angry, miserable mom. In addition, I’m dealing with my bedbound husband who I am caretaker for everything including a Foley bag, BM incontenance, feeding, my 94 old mom can do more than him, but she hates her assisted living, now in her 5th stint at rehab after falls.. my husband never complains, smiles to everyone. It is difficult and I’m trying to do the best I can for both. On top of this my little furry baby, is blind, deaf and senile. Every direction, tension with children, at my wits end and think she will outlive me. I feel bad, and I shouldn’t but it hurts my heart.