My mom is almost 90 and physically pretty healthy, but she complains about everything. She said she wishes she could die. This has been going on for 3 years. I try to remain positive because that is who I am. She hates everything but me (I think). I am an only child and visit her every other day. Old age is not kind to her body that bruises so easily, her teeth, which she has take care of, are now breaking off or falling out. She is lonely and outlived her friends that she use to talk to. Her friends now are two people that are in their 50s that are so kind to talk with her everyday. She has improved some; two years ago, she just stayed in the bed. Now she gets up and walks the floor all day and looks out the window seeing everyone else enjoying their lives. She won't take medication and her doctor really doesn't want her to because of elderly are prone to fall. She has no hobbies, nothing to occupy her mind except things she doesn't like. She hates the vacant lot that has a lot of trees on it that sheds into her yard. Stuff like that. Is there anybody out there in Aging Care land going through this as well?
thx
In fact, on one of our recent visits, my husband asked her to tell him ONE thing she was grateful for. One single thing. She thought about it, scratched her head, did some hemming & hawing, and could not come up with ONE thing she was grateful for. After nearly 95 years of life on Earth, various nice houses she's lived in, a huge wardrobe of great clothes, 2 grandchildren and a great-grandson, many exotic cruises, and on and on, not ONE thing could she think of to be grateful for. That about summarizes my mother. And probably yours too.
Long ago, I decided to stop trying to make her happy. It's an exercise in futility. I quit trying to fix problems she didn't want solutions for. She wants to be miserable. She wants to complain. She wants to be The Victim and The Poor Soul, so have at it mother. It's not my job (or your job) to make our mother's happy because it's an inside job. If nothing has made them happy after 9+ decades, nothing is going to. And there ain't no Happy Pill on earth gonna do it either.
My mother also says she 'wants to die' on a regular basis, which couldn't be further from the truth. It's just a ploy to garner sympathy from us, the only children who should be and could be doing more for them but aren't. I know the drill, I've been hearing it for decades now. About how she wants to 'jump out the window' or 'run out into traffic' to end her life, but it's all nonsense. I was recently called 'cold' for saying things like this, but hey, I call it as I see it. After being the victim of such a difficult mother for such a long time, I am paying my experiences forward for those who are suffering now. If my words can help YOU, then I'm happy and I've done a good thing. We are the ones who have to harden OUR hearts to all the misery THEY dole out, otherwise, we're in the psychiatrist's chair & eating anti-depressants like Tic-Tac, let's face it. Please cut back on your visits a bit if you find yourself getting depressed as a result of all the negativity, ok?
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
So, the thing to do is try to make the most of the time we do have left. Have you thought of trying to get her to write down or record memories of her life? There are lots of sources from prompts to start discussions, like "who was your favorite teacher" which leads to discussions about school days, or "what kind of house did you live in" which starts discussions of home.
It's a great way to both fill up the lonely hours but also a way to connect, to educate the next generation, and to perhaps bring back memories of happier times when everything worked better and cares were fewer.
Cannabis is now legal in many states, and in other states a medical marijuana card can be obtained.
You mom doesn't need to smoke a joint to get the wonderful, mellowing benefits of Cannabis. I use a tincture, and it helps me tremendously with mood. Talk to a sympathetic doctor and do some research.
So, it's been a depressing roller coaster of negativity and verbal abuse for a decade. After a long hospital stay and 60 days in skilled nursing, I was able to move her into an assisted living facility late last year. But, I am still stuck dealing with her and now the probability that she will outlive her money. She demanded a cell phone for months and I finally caved and bought her one of those Jitterbug type phones. I have her ringtone set to "silent" as I seriously suffer from PTSD when she calls, after a decade of being at her back & call for every whim and constant drama and emergencies.
I am 54 and run a small business. I work 6 full days a week. As an only, I am very alone in this world and I cannot afford to sacrifice my financial future and health for her. Honestly I have felt I was fighting for my own life at various times throughout this journey. When I was 50, mom actually told me she did not know how I could continue to live my life, with theirs crumbling in the manner that it was. She has told me I "owe" her for raising me. I fell that I have been manipulated and used, to some extent, because of my lonely-only status. As my parents unraveled there were two of them, fighting with each other constantly, and one of me receiving multiple calls per day to leave my work and solve their problems.
My mom has done nothing since age 70 except sit around and lament that her life has been much harder than most people's lives. She has run off the few friends she had. No hobbies, hates TV, hates music. She flat out told me that she would no longer do anything for me, period, and that she now expected everything to be done for her.
Sorry for the long rant. An only child with a negative, nasty mom is, sadly, my status in life now. Never expected it to be this way. I wish I would have moved far away from them when we were all young, but what do you do with two old parents that live almost next door? I got sucked into the vortex and I am still here....
The aide happens to be aunts favorite temp. Her regular has been off a month. But the aide has about had it with DH aunt talking so ugly. She is young. Not 30, very pretty little tiny thing. I asked her if she was able to change her. She said “No. I left”. I told her the secret was to make her laugh. I suggested she go back in and say in her best Jack Nicholson voice “Im Baack”
A few minutes later I went by aunts door and listened in to see if I was needed. They were talking about aunts birthday tomorrow. The aid had asked her how old she would be tomorrow. “88 said aunt, No I think 89 tomorrow”.
So my suggestion is if you are going to visit, try to make it count. You, yourself have fun with it. Try to make her laugh.
Do something silly. If she won’t laugh, moon her and be on your way.
My 91 year old mom is the same. Everything is negative with her. That had always been her personality, now it’s just worse. She’s in rehab at the moment for a fall that led to a compression fracture of her L2 vertebrae. A non-invasive surgery helped.
She texted me my “orders for the day” this morning, and let me know she had 1 pair of soiled panties in the hamper.
Oh, and they brought her too much breakfast….well gosh shame on them.
It’s a shame really that she makes herself so miserable. Never mind that I’m having a joint transplant next week, and trying my best to stay calm.
I think she loves me (sometimes.)
Sad 😔.
Plenty of US are hurting too, but that doesn't stop our mother's from expecting us to keep doing for THEM, now does it?
This entitlement issue that some elders have that their children need to keep them entertained and happy all day while they gripe and complain is BS. They wear us out and play the guilt card on us as though we've earned it somehow! We haven't. My uncle is almost 101, with one arm, pancreatic cancer, a widow with no children who enjoys his old age in Assisted Living without burdening his nieces and nephews with his complaining. He is a gentleman who everyone loves visiting instead of a big pain in the butt who everyone avoids like the plague. He's aged with grace as MANY seniors have chosen to do. Yet here we are, making excuses for why it's ok for our mother's to be acting like spoiled brats every day!!
Stop enabling your loved ones and use some tough love once in awhile. Say No, I can't possibly do that for you mother, I'm way too busy. Tell her you don't appreciate being treated like crap and won't stand for it anymore. Tell her you can't help her if she refuses to budge off of the sofa or away from the tv set. Then stay away for awhile so she has time to feel what it's like to not have you at her beck and call.