She is 99 and has slight dementia. She is very sweet and never complains. I spend 3 overnights and 3 mornings a week caring for her in her home. I don’t like leaving my 75 year old husband alone. Resentment has made me so bitter towards her. Meditation is helping but, I just don’t want to engage with her while I am there. I feel guilty but I can’t shake my feelings.

I'm sorry for your situation. It is so hard. You are lucky you and your sisters work together on this. Are they feeling the same strain you do? You say you don't like leaving your husband alone - is that because he is having problems and shouldn't be left on his own?

If your situation at home has changed then you have some hard decisions to make (My mom is 88 and in relatively good health - dad died in 2019 - if I were in your shoes I don't know what I'd do feeling my first duty to my husband but not wanting to not do my part for mom). If your sisters feel the same as you then its time to make new plans and look to placing mom in an appropriate facility. You and your sisters need to have a frank discussion on mom's future as well as each of yours.

May blessings be on you and your family.
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Reply to cweissp

"Care for Mom is split between me and my 2 sisters and additional caregivers."

What is the division of caregiving between you and your sisters? And how much time do the "additional caregivers" put in? It seems like you put in more than your fair share and that you do more than anyone else. Why?
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Reply to CTTN55

Resentment may be a message you are giving too much. (That's what I found).

The other caregivers are your siblings, is that right? Have you told them how you are feeling? I wonder if they are doing ok or it's getting too much for them too?

Could you arrange a family meeting?

It sounds time to reassess Mother's care plan: ask;
Q. What care is now needed?
Q. What are each of the family caregivers offering to do? (Each will differ).
Q. What extra services will be needed to fill the gaps?
Q. Will that be enough or possible?

No-one goes on the same forever. People age, get tired, have their own needs too
ie overnight care is something you are currently providing, but may wish to cease.

Your Mother has not been living independently for some time I would guess, but *living alone dependantly*. There comes a time when propping up that kind of situation becomes too heavy a burden.

Change is hard, but becomes necessary.
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Reply to Beatty

I had my Mom with me for 22 months. I had a hard time looking her in the eye. Dementia had aged her and she had gotten frail. I have her last 2 licenses and the difference in a few years was so different. I was so afraid she would ask me something I just could not do or answer. Its hard to explain, I just didn't want to engage. I don't do well with confrontations. You know how they get they ask a question and want an answer where there isn't one. Or they get paranoid. No, I really can't explain the feeling. Prior I had been babysitting for my infant grandson for 20 months and had to give it up because of Mom. Maybe I was already burnt out.
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Reply to JoAnn29

Wow! 99, slight dementia and sweet. You must be one great caregiver. But caregiving is hard regardless of how little or how much it takes of your life. This is not what we had planned for this stage of our lives. At least that is what I thought when I was caregiving to my Mom in my early sixties - I want to be traveling and going to horse shows and exploring new vistas. Well.... it just wasn't in the hand that I was dealt. I just started working in a nursing home at the time so I was surrounded by the sick and elderly at work although since I was in Admissions I didn't provide care. So I decided to have a sit down with my self. A lot of the people in the nursing home were in a lot worse condition than my Mom and a lot of them were mean and acting out. Yes, I wanted out and felt guilty about it but would I feel guilty about my feelings after Mom was gone? And how much time did I have left with her? I pounded my pillow some nights but I kept going. Hired some caregivers while I was at work and just decided on the weekends with Mom.... I'd explore new vistas closer to home (occasionally in my backyard) so she could explore them with me). Mom passed about 3 years later at 91. To this day I have no guilt about anything I did with or for her because that is the plan that worked for me. All of the memories I have of her are bright. And of course, as I get older and approach her age, I realize that I am aging and may very soon be in her spot health wise. Rather sobering thought.

That was my plan and although at 99 you may not be a caregiver for very long, it might not work for you. We are all different. Perhaps you husband might like to come along occasionally on one for your forays to Mom's place. Also how about the possibility of hiring some outside help for Mom. That would certainly free up a bit more time for you to be with your husband. And new caregivers might be very happy to engage with her while they are there. That might give you two something else to talk about also. Just a thought.

Wishing you peace and blessings on your journey.
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Reply to geddyupgo
PLKA50 May 6, 2021
Thank you for your good advice! My heart has been cheerful and upbeat for the past 1.5 years (Mom fell and broke her leg in 2019, thus requiring 24/7 care), but lately I have become so weary and my cheeriness is gone. I will keep your words in mind and work on myself!

Thank you, again for your response.
Thank you for these great suggestions! Care for Mom is split between me and my 2 sisters and additional caregivers.

I appreciate this forum for moral support. Every bit helps so much!
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Reply to PLKA50
NeedHelpWithMom May 6, 2021
I am glad that you do have help from your sisters and caregivers but it’s still very hard for you. I cared for my mom for 15 years in my home without any help. It’s extremely difficult to be a caregiver. I feel your pain, truly I do.
Hello, PLKA50

I am so sorry that you have this responsibility of caring for your 99 year old mom. I fully understand that it is hard for you to leave your husband to go stay with your mom.

Who stays with her the balance of the week? Have you considered placement for her? Do you have hospice involved? Can she go into a hospice house or facility?

My mom recently died in a hospice house and the care was phenomenal. Mom died with dignity and free from pain.

What about calling Council on Aging for an assessment for your mom? They can help you plan for her needs. You can also call your mom’s doctor to get contact information for a social worker who can assist with decisions regarding care for your mom.

I totally understand that you feel badly about being resentful. Most of us have gone through the same feelings. Please know, that you haven’t done anything wrong and that you are longing for the life that you once had that was free of the responsibility of being a caregiver.

Wishing you peace during this difficult period in your life.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

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