About a month ago my FIL refused to go to breakfast and he refused to eat even though they brought it in and then I called to let him know that I would take him to the coffee shop. As a lot of you know that he is obsessed with this place. He said no and then the same thing at lunch! I had appointments all day and I thought I would reach out to one of his friends that were going to be there for him. So I just asked her if she had a few minutes to stop in and say hi, well she took him for a walk and that got him out of his flunk. The next day he had an appointment with his pcp and he didn’t even remember feeling like that. Anyway after the evaluation the doctor increased his Wellbutrin and added an antidepressant. Well the other day his friend wanted to speak with me he said that my fil was talking about suicide when he brought him back. Then I got to thinking about how this all started with him forgetting to eat for two weeks and just drinking orange juice and not taking his medication. When he was in the first rehab place he hated it there and I didn’t blame him it was awful and the residents were going to be there the rest of their life. But his friend asked him what were you doing trying to kill yourself. I remember him telling me that but as many of you know what it’s been like. I didn’t think about it and he was back to himself in two weeks with eating and the pt. Now I am questioning that that might have been what he was doing subconsciously. Anyway the assisted living place and I realize that some of the major sideffects of these medication can be suicidial thoughts and depression. The doctor has discontinued the medication. It’s been so hard watching it and then I think now he is accepting he is old and that’s made him like give up, all of a sudden he is actually old. I look back at when he lived here and we had to explain that he does have limitations but he didn’t accept it and walked a mile and a half. So I feel like We did something wrong by explaining that he did have to accept that he wasn’t able to do certain things, i feel so guilty. Regarding my mother and brother. He is back for sure and I have called a couple times and nothing but he said to the neighbor that he has this huge shed and nothing in it. No tractors nothing.? I am just thinking that his pride may keep him away from us even longer. Knowing him i know he feels like he failed. But i just pray every day. My mom drove by the house and my sil was outside and she hid behind a tree. This is ridiculous, just another update my husband has my mom bathroom almost done. So she will have a shower and so will we, he has worked so hard. There’s a few other things that I have been thinking about and living, but I want to thank you all for being there for me especially through this last year. It will be one year on the 24 th since I talked to my brother. I have been doing well but I know it’s going to be on my mind. Do you think I should reach out to him again. Just saying I love him and miss him. I have had a few people say that he has made his choice he doesn’t want you in his life. Which I get but they don’t know the whole story. But I realize that I cannot keep doing the same thing. History keeps repeating itself. He comes back into my life and I forget about everything that has happened because I am just happy that he is back. Then something happens that I don’t even know what and my heart is broken again. I go through the feeling s of rejection all over again. Maybe it’s time for me just to accept that he is just not going to be apart of my life. That he just cannot give me what I want or need. AA says that we have to forgive but we also have to have healthy boundaries just to protect ourselves. That I have to accept it. I apologize for being all over the place but there’s just so much going on. I am feeling so overwhelmed . There are a few questions in this but a lot is venting. Again I am sorry.

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My mother was vocally suicidal all my life. Only until I was a 30 yo ADULT did I call her out on it. She used it to 'control' us. Pretty poor parenting choice, really. All it dad was alienate 4/6 of us kids and terrifying the sauce out the other 2 of us.

She NEVER and I mean NEVER even attempted to harm herself.

Now she's nearly 90, basically little QOL and she states she's never had a depressed day in her life. WTH?

Elderly people do struggle with depression--I don't know if it's worse than for younger people, the ratio, I mean. Mother has never been on an antidepressant, yet 4/6 of her kids are on something. It would be 5/6 but my eldest brother died some years back.

It's a struggle and one that each person has to deal with on their own. Sounds like you are dealing with it the best you can. You cannot force people to rake their meds, exercise, get out of the house, whatever--people are going to be themselves despite our best intentions to help.

And yep--SAD is a real thing. Here in Utah I go outside on my porch on sunny days in the winter and get at least 15 minutes of sun. I know I am solar powered and a bunch of gloomy days clumped together--ugh.

You have so much on your plate--I do hope you take care of yourself along the way.
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Staffbull18 Apr 2019
Thank you for your support. I am really trying to do something special for myself at least every other week. However, I am finally feeling apart of my aa group again. I used to be able to go every day but the last 4 years or more i had life happening. I actually felt like a stranger. But that was me. So I go everyday and it helps. Thank you for caring about me.
Staff, you know we care very much about you and Lee, too, even though you’re the one who posts. Your FIL and brother are who they are. I would not reach out to your brother again. If he should ever make any effort toward you, accept it, acknowledge it and then move on. Don’t make it out to be more than it is from him. He has some inner demons and you are not responsible for making them go away. You need to accept what your FIL is doing too. My mom made comments about suicide as well and because of one of those comments I found out her father had committed suicide. Chances are, your FIL was just “fishing” to see what sort of reaction he’d get. Us old people just have too much time to think and reflect. We don’t want to be old and incapable of doing things we used to do. It’s sad and embarrassing and just plain makes us angry.

Your family is lucky to have you and Lee. I wish you were in my family. You are a kind, sweet person. Sending many hugs and much love. How’s the dog?
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Staffbull18 Apr 2019
She is doing well. We just took her in for her annual physical and the vet asked if we wanted a full blood screening on her because of her age. He said she looks great and heart sounds great. He said the kidneys are an issue with age. I looked at lee and he was making a gesture of more money. That didn’t deter me from saying okay. Well after a $350. Appointment everything was good. Poor lee. Thank you for your support and your suggestions. You are right. It’s really time to really move on from my brother. It’s not going to be easy. If it ever happens then i will be polite and take it at face value.
Actually my mom is still on the farm. So, it’s getting to summer and that means going down there on my husband days off to cut grass and now put the fence that was destroyed during a late night ride. The good news is that she is getting all new plumbing . Thank you for clarifying my post. You are right on. I do want to let you know that the weight i lost last year, I have gained back. I am really proud of myself. Thank you all. Happy Saturday and please take care of yourselves
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You wrote: "I think now he is accepting he is old and that’s made him like give up,".  That is a possibility.  Humans do not like to be reminded that we are not going "to live forever" and some people have trouble accepting the fact that they are getting old and can not do as much or can not have as much control over life as they used to.

My Mom had trouble accepting the death of her 83 year old brother on March 11, 2017 and 91 year old sister on April 16, 2017 and the "FACT" that she (Mom) was getting old so she basically "gave up".  We attended Mom's grandson's (my nephew's) wedding on  Saturday, April 22, 2017; drove home on Sunday, April 23, 2017; and by Monday, April 25, 2017; Mom was in the hospital refusing to eat, drink, talk, walk to the bathroom. etc.  She just laid in the hospital bed refusing to do anything.  She was admitted to the nursing home in May 2017 for Rehab PT & OT.  Mom resisted all nursing care and toileting and being taken to the dining room and PT & OT. 
Mom would call me at the house we had shared since 2008 and say "I'm dead" / "Your Mom is dead." / "Your Mom is in the Mortuary."  I would tell Mom "You can't be dead because you are talking to me." and then I would call the Nurse Manager and she would talk to Mom.
The Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner diagnosed Mom with "Major Depression with Delusions". 
Once the antidepressants and the other medications started to work, Mom become more like herself and more social and outgoing and talking with other residents.  But she still resisted ADLs and PT and OT.  AND she had a NEW comment:  "We rode the 'White Bus to Heaven' and a couple of people got off, but I didn't so I guess Heaven didn't want me yet."  😵

Mom's next emotions to be displayed were bouts of severe anger and temper tantrums and yelling that I was stealing from her...But that is another story.

SB, you need to stop taking responsibility for other people's emotions and feelings.  You are NOT responsible for how your FIL or your brother or your Mom feel or react or response to you or to anyone else.  We have talked about this before.  I know how overwhelming your situation is.  You know that I am speaking out of love and concern for your wellbeing.

You need to take care of yourself.  Continue venting your feelings on this website.  Thanks for letting us know what is going on with you.
{{{HUGS}}} 🌼 and Prayers  🙏
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I thought brother sold his house?

Looks like for FIL, it was the Meds causing the problem. Did you tell the RN he has talked suicide? His meds are handled by a PCP. Really, I think a psychiatrist would be a better choice. Just looked up Wellbutrin. Never knew that depression can be seasonal. I guess Winter would be a good season.

So brother is back. I think that is a good sign. Just have patience. Its hard for a man to admit he was wrong. Something will happen to bring you back together. Maybe he realizes he was unfair to Mom.
Helpful Answer (2)
DeeAnna Apr 2019
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that comes and goes with the seasons, typically starting in the late fall and early winter and going away during the spring and summer.

Because the population of Oregon are/were so prone to SAD, both Oregon State and University of Oregon started researching SAD in the 1980's and the use of special spectrum light boxes as a way treat  SAD.
Staffbull - I am really you're feeling so down. But I need help decipher what you just wrote. You mentioned you have a few questions, but I can't find them. The way you wrote is too hard for me to follow. No breaks, no paragraphs, no white space, just too many words in one giant block of alphabets, and it hurts my eyes to read. Truly.

What i gather is that your FIL is shutting you out of his life and you feel rejected. Correct? What are your questions?
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JoAnn29 Apr 2019
Polar, this is an ongoing thing. Thats why she has written the way she has. Most of us know her story and have been following it.

Short version. Her FIL was living with her, got to be too much so he is in an AL.

Mom was living on the family farm but now needs to live with Staff.

Brother was working the farm but because his Dads Will read Mom
gets the farm, he got mad and took it out on Mom and sister, Staff. Sold off what he could and moved away.
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