Is anybody else getting more afraid of getting old?

Absolutely! I didn't give it much thought until I started taking care of my parents,3 years ago. Now I told my husband id I get dementia,to please put me in a ome,or put a bullet in my head. I told my son,that I will never do this to him.

Yes, it really scares me. I am in good shape for my age (62) and very active. More than my parents were at my age. But my mom is now on hospice care and in bed and for some years before that she was too weak to get up from most chairs on her own and needed a walker. We can do what we can to stay healthy but aging is inevitable no matter what we do! It scares me to think of the ways she is so dependent now. Being changed (depends), her caregivers bragging about what a good poop she made today, having to have someone turn her in bed. She is still here mentally for the most part, so it must be so difficult to keep any sense of dignity.

That's a good approach Salisbury particularly since your mom is 89 and your husband is 81. You could easily end up being a young widow since you are only 64.

Well,

I am taking care of/dealing with my mom (89) and my husband(81). I am 64. I was afraid that by the time I can look up and breathe again, I will be too old to enjoy life. So, I am making sure that I build in "me time." Sounds like a cliche but I need enjoy life, too. This may be it!!!!!!!! So, one day at a time.

For sure the 80's seem to be very difficult for most people. Watching my husband battle the aches and pains he has is heartbreaking, but something that he could have helped to avoid if he had done some yoga or stretching in his younger years. My mother who is just one year older than my husband has always done yoga stretches and played bridge and done things to keep her mentally and physically more active and her journey is a bit easier, but not by much. At 63, being in my 80s is now frightening with my husband having dementia and mom having other health issues.

Old age happen to everyone. What's the alternative? I don't mind ageing. It happens to every living thing. I just don't want to become a burden to my family.
I have learned much about the ageing process by going through the process with my parents. The lessons I learned from observation have given me a totally different aspect on the process from what I thought it was. My goal is to live each day to it's fullest. Be thankful to the creator for life and love. Attitude is so important.

JessieBelle, I am afraid too and for the same reasons. Sometimes I do get depressed but so far that does not last.

I'm not afraid of getting old, but being unhealthy in my old age.

My mother, 86, has had 7 compression back fractures. She is in severe pain and is bed ridden in a nursing home.

My father-in-law, 86, still drives, plays golf, and has written a book he is actively promoting.

The two of them have such different qualities of life.

So I go to the gym and lift weights, walk daily, eat mostly healthy foods and try to keep my mind engaged.

In this case being afraid might be a good thing.

I am far less afraid of old age than I would be to be a woman in the Middle East

I am not so afraid of getting old as afraid the way this world is evolving. There is so much greed and hate. The economy and healthcare is out of control. I fear more for the future generations of my family as I get older and see them struggling more in life than I did at their age. I see me growing older more financially stable than my children and grandchildren will be able to do. I can only hope future generations grasp basic morals and common sense and turn this world into a better place to live for all of the human race.

I didn't even realize this is what's been happening to me until I saw this blog. Kept saying "sometimes I feel my mom is in better shape than I am". And lately she is much cheerier than me (although some of my sporadic depression is due to narrow escape with cancer). I am grateful to be alive right now. However, I keep telling myself that I won't live a long life so I won't a) be alone, b) be poor, c) be ill. Veronica you and I are alike. I want to keep doing the things that interest me-no bunko or bridge for me. Thanks everyone for starting this conversation.

No need to stress yourself out. Shoud you start to keep worrying now, what will you you be like in twenty years' time, then?.
Your name JessieBelle itself is life-inspiring, and revitalizing. It evokes beauty, vitality, vigour, and life. Aging may be associated with limitations, and in fact it is, but the lived through enjoyable moments are also part of it (see emjo 23's reply above). Aging is a process thing, indicating DYNAMISM and CHANGE. Imagine a static world where there is no change, no movement. Would you like that? I guess not. Growing older is a sign of growing up. It is UNAVOIDABLE. As long as it is so, and since this is unescapable, let us MAKE THE MOST OF IT. Let our minds not be haunted by fearful and stressful prospects. Your state of mind does matter. At your stage of life, and given your understandable circumstances, feel happier, much happier. This is the better option.
With lots of love.

Yes, fear is becoming all too regular. I am my mom's medical advocate now for over 8 years. Lots of hospital visits and long term care stays have led me to believe that without a family member to oversee the care received in these places one is subject to a whole lot of medical abuse and lack of quality care. Had I not been there to question, push for answers, oversee multiple episodes of mismanaged, incorrect or down right poor quality healthcare my mom would not be here today. My fear becomes real when I think of being her age (80's) and not having someone (no kids) to fight for my better care. I have yet to arrive at an answer as to "who" is going to be my advocate when I have no family (I am the youngest & last in line for my family) no spouse and no kids. I am convinced that nursing homes are the place one goes to die from neglect because the nurse to patient ratio is so poor (I've looked it up 14+ patients to one nurse on average nationwide) that there essentially is no one there to take care of the residents so they end up dying from conditions that could have been prevented. So I guess my question is: what do you do or who do you turn to when you have no family to step in and oversee your care?

Yes, It scared me seeing my mother have hallucinations and her memory fading so fast. She was scared, she cried all the time and fell everytime she even tried to go to the bathroom. And it scares me seeing her deteriorate. She is better now in the nursing home. I envision myself the same way. But, she has 3 sisters and none of them have dementia, at least not to this degree. Mom is 90, and her sisters are a few years younger. Neither one of my Grandmothers had it either. So, I guess one never knows. At this point, I really don't know what to think about all this. But seeing my mother suffer like this because she got old makes me very afraid to grow old myself.. Horrible thing to have to look forward to, losing your mind and being confined to a wheelchair.

cmagnum, I agree that the way things are going with the global and domestic economy and the unrest in the World today is a huge cause for concern, (hence my being awake at this hour worrying and thinking).
It seems like nothing is nice anymore, and everything is a huge cash grab. Quality is never considered anymore. I worry about the way seniors are being treated in NHs and the huge cost to live there and often be neglected, or care aides giving the absolute minimum effort. They all seem to want a large amount of money to do the very minimum of care. I am not sure how much long term care insurance would cost for people our age in their late 50s, but I know that once you reach your 90's that policy premium can run $8000. to $9000. yearly depending on the coverage and insurance company. Since things seem to be getting worse in this World it is scary to imagine being old, vulnerable, and completely dependent on a failing system. I think students intending to go on in their nursing training should be hired as aides in NHs as they could use this experience to further their nursing training and as job experience. The nursing students make better nurse's aides than just someone wanting a quick paycheck doing the bare minimum after some 6 week course. Yes, the way things are now I am afraid of getting old with the way things seem to be going in general and because of all the incompetence there seems to be in care for seniors.

At 57, I'm not sure that I want to live into my 80's considering my mother's final years in a nursing home after a stroke, a broken hip and never being able to walk again as well as considering my dad's current condition with Alzheimer's and Parkinson's while living at home with 24/7 care from three caregivers paid for mostly by his long term care insurance policy.

I have not looked at a long term care policy for my wife and I, but I imagine that they are far more expensive than they use to be. We may look into getting one once our boys are out of graduate school and my dad as well as my wife's mom pass away.

Another thing that bothers me about getting old is the current condition of our country, both the global and our crazy economy, as well as the violence of terrorism in the world plus the direction it all seems to be going. That about bothers me more than just getting old does.

Another thing that bothers me about getting old is having no sense of overall direction for my life for the next 20-30 years. Being on disability for the last 12 years has been a time of basically living one day to the next with very little structure or plans.I will probably still be visiting AC to be supportive of people in their caregiving journeys and dealing with their boundary issues.

These are my ideas, concerns, and feelings about getting older.

NJNK59, We are in the same boat somewhat and I have had these thoughts for the last 17 yrs. or so....always put them out of my mind thinking whatever happens then will happen so why worry now....still I do worry. I am seeing a lot of siblings fail to help caregive for their parents, so having kids is no guarantee. I see the communal home thing maybe gaining in popularity someday.

How could getting old be any worse than being young? My self-centered mother and enabling father made my life miserable with a dysfunctional family style that has been going on for generations on both sides. This affected my earlier adult life seriously but I didn't understand what was going on. Therapists I saw at the time were useless. You can't look for a therapist experienced with narcissism if you don't know this is what you are dealing with.

I won't have family as I get older and I don't care. I am not impressed with the families I see around me anyway. I think this social structure favors the development of dysfunction.

In my sixties I am having a great time learning new things and exploring the world. For me this is the key to happiness. In this, I am the opposite of my mother who refuses to be interested in anything that won't bring her immediate financial profit. So she is bored all the time. Very narc scenario.

As I understand it, having dementia is no fun, but based on my experience I'd almost rather have it than care for it. I guess I have some sense of loss in that I'm spending years caring for my elders when they did not do the same for their elders or anyone else. I do envy them their past travel all over the entire country, cruises, personal boats, and travel trailers, and fancy tow vehicles. They retired with nice pensions (who has that nowadays), social security, medicare and moved to a lakefront home in a warm state to party for 30 years.

On a brighter note, there is also a book The New Ourselves, Growing Older Paperback – May 26, 1994 by Paula B. Doress-Worters (Author)... some of you may remember Our Bodies Our Selves which was a hippie era book on women's rights, back in the day. This is some of the same women commenting on growing older. You can get it for a few bucks online. What I remember from it as being the main point is that it doesn't take as much to amuse you when you get really old as it did when you were younger; you are happy or happier even, with less. I think I'll dust my copy off and read it again.
As Uncle used to say, "getting old is a ()itch but it beats the alternative".

I've battled clinical depression and anxiety for over 20 years. I think the first I noticed I was sad all the time was around 12 or 13. I worry about the meds I've taken for 20 years - will they contribute to dementia risk? My mom has vascular dementia (maybe even mixed with AZ) and her mom had AZ. Sometimes when I lose my train of thought or can't find a word for something, it really scares me. The physical stuff can be handled. The mental and emotional stuff is way worse for me.

Like Emjo I am "old" just turned 76 but I don't feel old, just frustrated at the things i can no longer do, but on the other hand it is a good excuse to give in when someone says "Veronica you should not be climbing on that ladder dear" Well I will if I want to but when they ask if I would like carry out I don't even hesitate. I certainly don't want to join senior clubs to make friends with others my own age. So I am on here with a lot of other old ladies but they all have life in them. I know I can't actually see you all but your spirits come through your words. I know I can talk to you. I don't want to join that group of nice old ladies that meets in the morning to swim then go out for breakfast or learn to play bridge but I do enjoy a good rummage sale or a trip to the thrift store. I wouldn't mind handing out with the Capt and watching him lay stone that kind of practical stuff is fascinating. I couldn't lift a rock now but its fun palying with pieces of tile and embellishing curb shopped furniture. frustrating when Ai find something too heavy to get into the car alone these days though. Yes Capt I do still have the heavy boots and snow pants from the horse farm. May never need them again but why get rid of them. And no the language would not bother me even if I don't use it myself - well not often. Forget the malls I would not last five minutes there. it's mail order for me. Of course I have many aches and pains but woe on the Dr who tells me it is age related and don't bother to come back. Just because they can't come up with a diagnosis does not mean there is not one and then it is up to me to decide if I want to follow their instructions. Do I want to die? Well not really. Am I afraid of dying - well I have looked it in the eye a couple of times and wasn't then. I am already old so nothing to fear there I am already living it. Do I like being taken care of and coddled of course I do but i've still got clawsa like the pre op nurse a couple of weeks ago who asked me in a snotty voice why I as not having a proceedure in the clinic just with sedation. I opened my mouth and said "Because I am a bloody minded old woman" No, old age is nothing to fear involuntary dependence may be so don't let anyone kill your spirit.

Whoa yes, and Gershun is right, a mess of siblings and doing it on her own, you just don't know what will happen.
Old is a fearsome creature, foreign, alien even to us, in a society the both maligns not being young (when acknowledging aging at all) and often hides it from view. it is about loss, and fear and ugly, and loss of person-hood and expectations being diminished, rude people who assume you are incompetent along side of very real limitations that seem to creep up over night. I am 44 this year too. And even I know I am "not young anymore" but I have yet to hit "old" but do to care giving I see it. You stop being an individual, with a past and loves and thoughts and hopes, you become an object.
though my situation is horrid and encompassed by my own depression and anxiety which makes me hope I don't actually live to see the complexity and stress of being old...I think the best things you can do now are seek friends, tell people when you need help, maintain independence where you can, consider that aging is inevitable, as the only other option is death and find some useful work or interests. Helping others often helps when one is really feeling, well superfluous and down. And remember, all of life is NOT Hollywood, where everything will always be O.K. as long as the sexy, white teenagers survive: the plague, the war, the party, what ever. There is more to life than being 18. There just is... And there is nothing to be literally done about it...the years just sort of go by...make as many of them worth missing when they are gone as you can, the just live in re-runs when it does get to hard to go out and make new memories.
Do I take my own advice?, not so much....I wonder man what will I do with all my stuff? Downsizing is good...I mean it is something practical I can do... Less crap someone else has to sort through when I am gone...but that's death...Aging is a whole different kettle of geriatric fish....

Trust me NJNK59, having children does not guarantee you support in your old age. I am one of 7 children my mom had and I'm the only one who is really looking out for her.

Yes. My husband and I have no children. We moved to help my dad and his wife, and now all I can think as I see them decline is that no one will care that we're old. Obviously having children doesn't guarantee someone will be there (who have 5 children and one sibling younger than a child between them, and we are the only ones who have done anything for them long-term), and 'to provide for my old age' is a horrific reason to have children...

But - wow. The reality is that unless a lot of my other childless friends all come together in a communal home, we may be one of those news stories you hear about "a rural Florida man and his wife were found dead in their home today. They appeared to have died a week ago."

I'm scared beyond measure - but then, I have GAD, so I also remind myself I'm probably being unrealistic.

I'm almost 44 (may 8) I think I fear more about my mom...she's 63 and doing great...her and I take care of MY SIL who's only 53 suffering from end stage cirrosis among other things. I witness my SIL going through the heptatic enselpathy which mimics dementia, my mom ends up kinda freaking out and saying to kill her if she ever does the things SIL does. My grandma from moms side of the family was healthy into her 80s, and she passed from a random brain tumor...nothing age related....hopefully mom inherited those genes

I fear dementia. My Mom always had some kind of personality disorder or undiagnosed mental illness, I realize, but I really would hate to be such a burden on my children. It would be great if we could see the train coming, we could do something about it, but I'm afraid the nature of dementia is elusive until it is too late for one to take charge of the situation oneself.

I'm on the upswing to a degree - but yeah, watching mom really brought home how bad aging can suck. And I am slowly getting more used to the idea of the "circle of life" thing and just doing what I can for my health and staying as sharp and able as possible. But yeah I got long term care insurance, a real policy not a phony one like my mom had.

I've always had a kind of acceptance of death cause my Dad died when I was 4. I guess I've always known that we can go at anytime. My Dad was 55 when he died and my brother died at about the same age so I figure if I make it past my mid fifties I'm doing pretty good.

But the aging process is scary for sure. I worry when I start to forget things that maybe I'm getting dementia and I definitely get winded easier these days. But theres no point worrying when you can't do anything about it. Worrying just causes stress which will make you less healthy.

Salsa Dance Lessons and Birthday Celebrations
by Judy Faust


“Dance! Not like this!
not a frightened feeble frame!
Dance! Shake it down,
Rock every tissue, rattle every fiber. Dance!

You, ballroom dancers!”
He looked right at me.
He threw back his jaguar head and his white teeth flashed neon.
Shake it down, he chanted.
And his shoulders and torso muscles rippled
like a tsunami wave flinging off a surfer.

Forty something years old on Friday.
“You are still young!” said an eighty year old, smiling.
“Age is attitude,” advised the seventeen year old.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
a child asked me yesterday.

Tomorrow I will strain my eyes
as I explore the foggy future
or try to remember the landmarks of my youth.
I will hear the crumpled letters I never sent
scraping against my conscience,
I will listen to insurance companies promising me security in old age. I will...

Dance! The music cracks my comfort zone,
the shell of childhood breaking,
crushed beneath my wild feet.
In my head, I hear my mother,
“Too much wiggling! You’ll ruin it all! Control, Control!”

But the Salsa dancer from Costa Rica
trills and undulates like palm trees in a hurricane.
We’re all chanting now, a class of waving arms, feverish flesh.
Like the virgin diver, I left the shore, became the tsunami.
In the mirror, I am shining, ageless.
Even my dance partner ‘s eyes twinkled with liberation
the moment I became free.

I'm not afraid of getting old EXCEPT if my parents are still around! And it seems like they just won't die (did I just write that?). Its irrational because they in all probability will die within next 10 years, but I'm just jealous of them because when they were my age, they absolutely did NOT have to take care of their parents, like I have to take care of them. It seems like the prognosis for my own kids is better too--they all seem to be able to get good jobs and have already said they're going to folow their dreams wherever that will be (eg, they're not sticking around my city). So I just want to have some time for "me" at least 10 years before my husband retires and puts that cabash on my little sliver of "me" time. After he retires, I will be taking care of him a lot (I can imagine) so I feel like most of my life is all about taking care of every one else.