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Feeling really bad as a caregiver the guilt is overwhelming. I had a an argument with my Mom about some issues. I raised my voice at my Mom and my Step-dad. My Mom started crying but she cry's easily if she doesn't get her way with her husband or me anyway. I apologize saying I am so sorry that I got upset and asked for their forgiveness repeatedly, but the guilt is killing me! Please tell me is it normal to have arguments sometimes with an elderly parent you care for. I even said I am leaving and can't caregiver anymore I feel so ashamed. I could really use some advice.

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So yes. Blatant uligness directed at me from my mother can trigger a bad moment for me and I will tell her about herself and her manipulation and her nasty ways and how thats the only kind of memories I have of her towards me and blah blah blah and my pressure goes up and she probably dont even remember what she did or what I said. My Goodness!
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cmagnum that article was helpful. Like meonly I have same problem with my mother. Her stuff didnt just start with dementia Ive lived it my whole life. I have been her right hand or only hand as long as I can remember and see the lies and how I have been manifpulated. The transference of her issues on me with disgust. Atfter awhile I realized over the years that these negative statements about me describe her and how quick she comes with a lie to validate herself. When I sat during my moms intake for a service I watched my sister do the same thing. She said she dont do anyhting for my mother I take care of everything. She cooks but only for herself. Now I was baffled and lost for words with each statement. And silly me took a few days to realize she was talking about herself. Cause it made me look at what she was doing. Its so sad. But why it takes me so longto figure it was transferance and my mom does same thing always did. She would say Im tired of cleaning up behind you and stupid me would be like you are not cleaning up behind me wondering what she talking about. Its really sad especially as its been happening way before the dementia. I have lots of resentment and so sad to see my sister doing the same things but not such a coincidence as she supported my mom in her uglytowards me and is well trained. How on earth does one get over this mess!! I took to praying and talking to God which has helped me, cause I really should be insane. But my goodness the pain and the sadness and resentment to live this everyday can be overwhelming.
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From personal experience, recently had a mental emotional breakdown with an ER trip.. I'm still recovering. For your own well being...Get help. I say you are in caregiver and/or burnout fatigue.. My advise, stop the caregiving as soon as possible. Get her into a care facility. Or another caregiver, you owe it to yourself ! If your personality is changing as you say "raising your voice" then in my opinion you are worn out!! Take care of yourself by getting help for your mother but first for you! A mental emotional breakdown like I just had is not pretty, and it is the peak of exhausting caregiving. please get help ASAP!
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I feel for you! I lost my temper way too many times while helping my elderly Mom care for my elderly Dad who had dementia. I was so stressed out and resentful, being the kid who was always responsible to make sure Mom and Dad were safe. For about two years, I stayed with my folks. I'd wake up, get Dad up, help him with toileting, cleaning, dressing, ambulating to the table, cooking for him, giving him his pills, and then, in a stressed mess, heading out to my own stressful job. I yelled at my Dad several times, losing my temper, and the dear man always forgave me. I cry now (Dad passed away recently), thinking of Dad's hurt look after I'd lose my temper. My great comfort is that Dad forgave me and loved me, and that God forgave me. I had time to love Dad a lot before he died, and I know that where he is now, there isn't any pain. So, I try to forgive myself and accept grace and try to cherish the time I have with my Mom, asking God for help to be patient, loving, and kind with her.
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One loss of your temper does not make you a worthless piece of crap. Let yourself be human. Excellence, not perfection, will have to do here. You're a real flesh-and-blood CAREGIVER for crying out loud, not a robot or a Vulcan who never suffers anything emotionally.
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Your mom may have some level of dementia. If so learn to ignore, change subjects, use " therapeutic lies" and generally roll with it. You'll never win an argument with dementia.
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I think these issues are normal, a good for both of you to get out the emotions, as long as you follow it up by telling them you love them.
One thing that helped me, was when I shut the door to leave them, I would say out loud to myself "You are a good daughter". I really did not hear that from them, although I think they thought I was.
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Hi Overwhelm, how are you doing?
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When it comes to caring for our parents we often forget that we are no longer children an act out as we would have "back when".
It's normal to lose your temper with them. Somewhere deep inside we still expect them to understand before they became our "children".
It's hard to trade places with them. Often it isn't anger we are directing at them. It's our fear of what's happening to them.It frightens us and we lash out.
You're perfectly normal.
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cmagnum, yes, you understood right. My Mom has always had a certain way about her to be a little hurtful to me and my brothers. I don't know if you can relate to a person being a girlfriend, cousin, church member ..... and then there's the position of the daughter, spouse or child. The person behaves differently in each situation. Does that make sense? That's why I said people haven't seen that side of her outside of 1 of her friends. She becomes more hurtful when she has an UTI or infection now. At the same time what she went through to raise us by herself when my Dad died at 38 and the love she showed, can't be dismissed. I am the only living child. The boys both died tragically. You are also right that in time, the promises I made to her by keeping her out of a NH may have to end. . I have good sitters but they're not perfect and requires sometimes daily attention to deal with them. We live in a very small, very tight knit community where my family has deep roots. People here are very supportive of my position and advise me to step back and care for myself. It's difficult. I seem to have the frame of mind that this is my Mother. I don't want to go against her or upset her. Silly at my age of 61 and her 91. Yet, it's there. As we go along I can feel myself changing and loosening the attachment. People tell me I'm changing. Maybe I'll get there. As her dementia worsens, there will be no need for her to be at home if she doesn't know where she is.....that was the promise I made to her. Thank you for caring and your response. I didn't mean to take the light away from overwhelm. They need our support.
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Thank you all for sharing. I feel just horrible for raising my voice too and calling her a liar and saying to her husband to quit backing her up and being scared to speak up. I did say sorry and ask for their forgiveness but last night and today been feeling so sad and no good as a person. It is weird my Step-dad will control her in other ways, just don't get it? Feeling like a no good piece of crap!
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Overwhelm, welcome to the club, this has happened to a vast majority of us.

Never in the my life had I ever raised my voice to my parents, but I got so frustrated with my Mom after my Dad had a heart attack. Mom didn't want Dad to go into rehab, she could care for him at home... good grief, at that time Mom was 91 years old.

So sig other and I brought Dad home from the hospital, he could barely walk. Mom said for Dad to sit in the recliner which was on the other side of the room... no way could Dad walk over there he was so weak, so I dragged the recliner to the other side of the room. Oh no, Mom didn't like the recliner there, it didn't look good in the room... I raised my voice "Mom, THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU". So the recliner remained in that new location for over a month while Dad recovered. I felt so guilty raising my voice. It wasn't until much later that I realized that Mom was scared.

That was 6 years ago, my parents still are doing fine, still living on their own, but we still get into some snits, but they are pretty much low key.
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Overwhelm, it's too bad you are having to go through this. As stated above, your mom could have some cognitive issues, but it might not be that.

As you said above, that she has lied a lot since you were little. I know a few people like that. Some are in my extended family. It's almost impossible to deal with people like that. Trust is a huge issue.

I did some research on people who lie a lot, often about nothing important, a few times and discovered that it's a complex mental health issue and short of professional help, there isn't much you can do to change it. I hope you don't keep blaming yourself. If you mom is a chronic liar, then perhaps hearing it did make her cry, because she knows it's the truth and that must be very painful to accept. It's normal to be frustrated with someone like that. I wish you all the best.
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Oh, can I relate! Sometimes my Mom goes through these spells where she's up every 2 hours at night. I work full time. The past several months I've gotten crabby when she wakes me. And I'm ashamed to say I've snapped at her. Once when I was getting her up to toilet for the umpteenth time I pulled too hard on her legs and she said "don't be so rough! I know this is hard on you, but it's hard on me, too". I felt about an inch high and apologized. She forgave me. We are human. We have limits. Took me a long time to realize that.
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meonly, it is good that you have close friends who are supportive during this time and that you have 24/7 sitters with your mother which is good for both you and for your mother.

From your profile, it definitely sounds like you need to be taking care of your own health with that heart condition. It may also help your heart and overall health to work some on detaching emotionally from your mother while continuing to love her.

You've written that you have always had a close relationship with your mother, but also that while no one has ever seen her talk or act like she is now in the past, that she has always done this to you and your brothers. What I'm understanding from all of this is the way your mother speaks and acts toward you now that is hurtful has been going on before the dementia set in. Have I understood this correctly?

Either way, learning to detach while loving your mother would help deflect some of the pain that comes from the things that she says to you that hurt.

There is a very helpful article about detachment on this site.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/setting-boundaries-with-parents-who-are-abusive-142804.htm

I'm curious, what promises did you make to your mother? They just may no longer be realistic in the light of her decreasing health and your own poor health. So, don't beat yourself up over that. ok?

Since you have some free time with 24/7 sitters at her house, it may well help you to see a counselor while working on detaching with love. Face to face conversation with a trained professional who understands and is trained to listen can be very helpful.

I think that you raise a very valid point about questioning feeling justified in getting upset with your mom and venting to her instead of remembering the state she is in and that she will probably soon forget what she said. That is where detaching with love and venting to someone who is a trained counselor will benefit the health of your heart and your emotions as well as benefit your mom because you would be healthier all around. Take care.
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My Mother's dementia is advancing seems like daily. With her osteoporosis, scoliosis and stage 4 pressure wound, she can become very hateful talking and acting. She does not accept her health problems/thinks she is going to get well. As she says things to me, sometimes with a little smirk on her face, which goes all over me, when she sees me tear up, I have to remember what so many close friends of ours have told me during this time. It is me that has to deal with it, she forgets in 5 minutes, after a nap or by the next day. They're right. I don't forget and it does hurt terribly. No one has ever seen her talk or act like this in the past although she always did it to me and my brothers. It's always been there. I come home and bawl a lot then as soon as I speak to her I let it go ... for my sake. (I have 24/7 sitters with her in her home). I don't know that it is really justified to get upset with them or rather believe we can only take so much that we have to vent even if it is with them. Just remember at the state that she is in, she probably forgets what she has said but you don't have that luxury. Don't beat yourself up. God Bless.
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it is telling you something important to notice that your mother cries easily when she does not get her way with her husband or with you. That sounds like a guilt trip.

Plus, what you told me earlier on another thread about your mom stuffs religion down your throat does not sounds very good either. I am glad to know that you are going to get some respite care and move on for your own well being.

I wish you well.
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Thank you all for your advice so much appreciated. Yes my Mom has been lying since I was little just lies for no reason not all the time and makes promises she never keeps, then she acts like she never said it or twists it somehow so I look stupid. So I called her on it. Now she is sick with Parkinson's so sad.
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Your profile says your mother has Parkinson's. Does she also have cognitive issues, or "just" the physical ones? How is Dad's health.

No caregiver is perfect. I'll bet all of us have said or done some things we regret.For your sake and theirs you need to get past it.

Guilt can sometimes serve a useful purpose. Since you feel this terrible when you lose your patience with your parents, perhaps you can work on building up your patience stamina. I don't mean that getting impatient sometimes is unforgivable ... just that working on that characteristic might be a good thing.

Your mother was "lying." Are you sure? People with dementia (including the cognitive impairment that can go along with Parkinson's) sometimes say things that are not true, but that is different than deliberate lying. Perhaps leaning more about her disease would help you be more patient. Do you think that is possible?

Again, this isn't the end of the world or the end of your relationship. You've apologized. Forgive yourself and move forward.
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Im glad I'm not the only one experiencing this and I'm sorry someone else is. My grandma gives me a run for my money everytime its my turn to care for her for a few days. I always go home and cry it out,ask gods forgiveness and rest up for another round of emotional abuse.
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I just feel so horrible I did say that my Mom was lying and she was but then she started crying.
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overwhelm, this is so normal. I don't think family can be together without arguing sometimes. It probably isn't healthy not to argue. The only way I could think of nobody every arguing would be if at least one person was totally submissive -- not a very good thought. So don't feel bad about arguing unless something very hurtful was said. I think we feel bad when we argue with our parents because we are taught it is something we shouldn't do. If caregiving teaches us anything, though, it is that sometimes our parents need to be argued with.

I find the best way to make up after an argument is just to apologize for being disagreeable. Then forgive yourself and forget about it. Probably no permanent damage was done.
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