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In the past 2 years, I've lost my sister, mom, and dad. I saw my father mentally break down after the death of my mom. My younger brother and I were catapulted into careguving for my dad (with mobility issues) immediately after my moms death. My father passed away in July--I believe from a broken heart and "failure to thrive". I guess I question if we did all we could for him: we let him stay in the house as Lo g as we could, encouraged him to do PT, and researched several AL and SNU in the area. I believe my dad wanted to die the day my mom passed away--I still have so much guilt that I didn't do enough (or the right) things to help my dad. Has anyone experienced this?

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It is the hardest for those who have not developed a sense of identity, a sense of purpose in life, and have had a life of their own.

Many manage the pain and sorrow through faith in God and that this life is not all that there is, but there is life beyond this one.
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Dear Laura,

Thank you for your post. I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm still looking for answers after my dad's passing.

Cmagnum, thank you so much for your responses and the links to the articles. I find them so helpful. I know grief is a journey and my journey is still very new. I always wonder how people manage the pain and sorrow. And how do they continue to live.
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twinlaura, numbness and sleeplessness are both normal parts of the grieving process.

I see from a previous thread that you have a sister and a brother. That is good for you can support each other in all of this.

I see from a previous thread in February of 2014, that you wanted to know how you could get paid for taking care of your parents.Did you ever get a contract written up with your parents?

Where is your mother or is she out of the picture? I see that you mentioned her in your thread back in October of 2014 and said she bossed you around and did not want the doctors to see your dad's living will. I also see from another thread that she is handicapped and you have been taking care of her also. What are her health problems other than needing a wheelchair? I see from a previous post in 2013 that your dad is 82. How old is your mother?

What about your friends? Can you lean on them for some support at this time?

I see from a post on one thread that you have really been through it having survived emotional and physical abuse in a 14 year marriage before divorcing him and you say that your mom is a worse abuser than your ex husband. Poor thing. I think you need a divorce from your mom. I read on a thread back in 2013 where you said that once your dad was dead that you would be gone and would not take care of her.

She sounds terrible from your description from back in 2013 that she always abused you as a kid, messed up your relationships, and basically destroyed your first and second marriage. What a mess!

BTW, how is your daughter doing in all of this? How is your 11 year old grandson and 8 year old grand daughter doing. Did you ever call APS or CPS about your mom's behavior as various people suggested?

It has taken me a while to read back through your past postings for the last two years and I feel like that I have gotten to know you, your family and your earlier situation preceding your dad's death. I'm sorry that you have been through so much hell and are in so much hell right now over your dad's death. In time, I hope you can pick up the pieces of your life along with your daughter and grandchildren with enough energy and determination to move forward with your own life away from your abusive mom. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it for your sake and the sake of your daughter and grandchildren. I've only slept for an hour and think that I will go back to bed. I hope you have been able to get some sleep.
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dear cmagnum, that is exactly how i feel, "numb" can't sleep, i hear is feeding tube machine beeping, which we had taken back the day after he passed. I just don't know if i can ever get over loosing my best friend, my savior, my dad......
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twinlaura, I'm glad you raised your question on a separate thread. That keeps new questions from getting lost.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-dearest-father-got-his-wings-a-week-ago-tomorrow-will-my-heart-ever-stop-hurting-176422.htm
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I am sorry to hear of the loss of your dad. You obviously loved him very much which I'm sure he knew. Your loss is so recent that you are understandably still in shock to some degree. Also, you have watched him decline for 8 years and probably had a lot of anticipatory grief and now what was anticipated has taken place. You've been dong the same thing of caregiving for 8 years and now that is done and there is probably some numbness and wondering 'now what?' This mixture of grief and caregiving exhaustion would leave a person feeling like they are in a daze.

Here is a good article about the grief process from this site.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/grieving-the-death-of-a-loved-one-149491.htm

Here's a link to a good article from this site about rebuilding your life that you may want to read now or later when you feel up to it.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-ending-after-death-148071.htm
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i am so broken, i loved my dad sooo much, i saw him last monday, and he wouldn't let go of my hand, so strong... last tuesday the hospital called and said he was declining but he would be coming home that week. well, he went home,, but not to our house, he got his wings.. i feel as though he was waiting for me on monday, and saying goodbye...........i miss him so much,, and will never be the same.. i am so heartbroken, and still in a daze, can't function, i took care of him for 8 years,,,i am just existing i feel.....
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It does sound like you did all that you could have done. It is not unusual at all for a husband to die soon after his wife does. My dad's wife died last May and he tells people that he prays daily for her to come and get him. He wants to die and my step-sister feels like he has given up. He is on anti-depressent, but there is nothing more we can do beyond what we are doing along with the 24/7 care he receives at home from 3 caregivers. Once a person's will to live has left them, you really can't make them want what they no longer want. I'm sorry that you have had such deep loses so close together and wish you and your younger brother the best in your journey through the grief process and it is a process with many ups and downs going forward and then backwards instead of being a straight line. I hope that you and your bother will do something good for yourselves today. Take care.
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Yes, I went through it when my father died. I wondered if I had done everything I could to help him stay healthy. The answer was probably no, but it had been his choice. He was ready to cross over to other side.

I am so sorry that you have lost so many loved ones in such a short time. I know you are heartbroken right now. I don't know what happens when life ends, but I like to think we are reunited with the people we love. Whatever it is, I know that it is good. I have a feeling that the people who have departed are fine. It is only the ones remaining here who have to deal with the hurt.

You probably did all your father would let you do. Please don't feel guilty. Maybe he will be able to tell you himself one day.
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