Is anybody else getting more afraid of getting old?

I am not afraid of getting old now. I'm 76. After watching my dad suffer with heart disease for 10 years in the 80's, I told my kids I didn't want to live past 60. Well, 60 came and went, and then I was taking care of my mother, who came to live with me and my husband in 2005. Then I told my kids I didn't want to live past 70. 70 came and went, and in the past six years I have been guardian of my 98 year old aunt and her disabled 63 year old son. They died in 2011 and 2012. Now I am caregiver for my 81 year old husband, who has Alzheimers, and will probably live a lot longer. So, I have resigned myself to the fact that God's plan for me was to be a caregiver, and I will probably live to a ripe old age. My big concern is that I do not want my kids to have to look after me and resent it.

Can you send directions dragonflower. Fast please we are headed for a blizzard tonight.

I love the earliest post by "katnmouse."

Let's all go into a hut and get STONED together! What a way to go out of this world!

Addendum to previous. The other thing that is upsetting about aging is the inability to do the things that I used to THAT GAVE ME PLEASURE. I hear the same sentiment from many seniors. As the body and mind age, we are no longer able to do so many things that we used to do, such as sports or certain hobbies. This makes our senior years very unpleasant. It's no wonder that many people fear aging.

I think the level of fear often depends upon (1) your current state of health and (2) your genetic proclivity for longevity (or lack thereof). I don't think it's being gray and wrinkled that frightens most people. It's the loss of health and loss of independence. If I could live to be 100 with no loss of health and no loss of independence, that would be fine with me. But at age 62, I already have tons of medical problems related to bad genetics. I cannot imagine how bad off my body will be should I live another 20 years!

For about the last five years I have been going out to care facilities with a small gospel music group; we do old traditional country and traditional hymns, and most of the places we go ask us to come back. There is one place that I think I could actually live at; most of the others, even ones that are new and shiny and good looking, are depressing. I've been widowed for ten years, am still working, hope to keep it up one way or another as long as possible. My husband (15 yrs older than me) came to work (our own business) with me even when he couldn't physically do very much; I found this was better for him than being at home. At 74, yes, I go to too many funerals of friends and family--the last two were a friend and a niece younger than I, both of whom had had cancer. My own mom died at 57, my dad at 77, but my dad's mom lived to 92 in good health--after recovering from cancer at 80! We had my MIL with us for most of her last year with lung cancer; my FIL for many years, including the last few with Parkinson's. Out of four siblings and four spouses, there are just two of us left. I decided last year to sell my long-time house while I was still able to re-adjust; am now living with part-time each with two daughters, both local, and have my business as "my" space when I need it. I'm active in my church, which involves writing a weekly blog and working with study groups as well as the music. Have several older good friends who are still healthy and active; most of my friends are younger. I take no prescription meds and and a basic group of supplements, keep the things my dr watches in line. So far I have been well taken care of in surprising ways over the years, and I have faith that God will continue to surprise me.

As a middle-class (lower end) person I fear greatly running out of money. I fear the little bit we have saved won't be nearly enough. I fear the government taxing the heck out of the little bit we've saved (which was already taxed once) just to pay for other people, who did not save because they lived beyond their means--got too-big mortgages, new cars when used would do, took fancy vacations every year instead of camping or just staying home. I dearly wish there was a way to keep track of someone's lifelong spending habits and then when they arrive at age 80 or at the NH and have nothing left, having spent on senseless things year after year, we could just say No. But the ways things seem to go is, the folks who live simply, and save, barely have enough yet are called upon to bail out the spendthrifts. Everyone have friends who spent 12 years going to college, then think they ought to have perfect jobs and homes (skipping the 8-10 yrs of entry level work the rest of us did, or do) and then they spend spend spend....all the while they lose a good precious 20 yrs of contributing to their retirement nest egg. Or they get divorced and that messes everything up. Or they change careers and incur more debt, and 10 yrs later, still haven't caught up, but somehow they Believe that the rest of us should bail them out?! I'm sorry but I don't always love my less-than-perfect career, but I stuck with it, and have been saving and pay my taxes, not so you can fart around getting old waiting for your perfect job--your failures shouldn't make my meager preparations even less than it is. I will fight tooth and nail, to protect what little bit I have sacrificed to save, and keep it for me. It might not be enough. But I'm not going to let anyone steal it from me, and give it to those who would rather have a flat-screen 65" TV instead of saving that money for their own senior years.

Yes, I must say that I am learning from my mom's mistakes, too. She did a great, really top-notch job taking care of things--hurray, Mom-- but was prepared for nothing to change. So, each change was traumatic, delayed, more traumatic, more delayed, until she completely lost it. She had never had the experience that I am having so she couldn't anticipate it. She just recently, now that she is in AL and on meds, admitted that her memory "might be slipping." God, we have been doing the caretaker-but-let's-not-say-it dance for five years. Come to that, she just recently admitted that my dad, such a saint, "had a little beer problem." We went through decades of hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After a lifetime of denial, can I really expect candor, openness, and willingness?

I plan to discuss every possible possibility with my daughter next week! And, yes, I have made elaborate financial plans.

I am afraid of getting old as well, but I accept that I will get old and make the required adjustments. I am learning from my parents mistakes, they did nothing to prepare for the inevitable challenges that come with aging and now excpect me to take care of it all. My mother got her 18th cat at 80, my father moved from an apt in the city to a trailor outside of the city at 82. I will be moving into a nice assisted living way before i NEED to move there.

I retired and wish I had not. Loved my job as a department administrator at a medical university. That is my greatest regret. Instead of enjoying a carefree life, I take care of my NH dad's business and constant demands. My husband has had some serious ailments and turned into a hypochondriac. My illusions of a retirement full of freedom and travel are just that....an illusion. My biggest fear is putting our children through what my parents put us through. I don't want to grow old and make demands and constantly complain. I want to be able to find happiness .... Not misery.

In the 60's my Dad returned from Vietnam and told stories about the mountain people he met there. A favorite story was the families would prepare a place in the back of their huts for the elderly, there they smoked pot and happily lived out their lives. Marijuana was for the old, not at all for the young. I think that is BRILLIANT!
LOL I have given my kids two choices when the time comes. 1. Put me in a corner of the hut or 2. Put me in the dirtiest, vilest nursing home they can fine, turn and walk away not looking back. I will be dead in 6 mo and that will be soo fine with me. Yes, I have spent far to much time dreading my old age and dreading the position my children will be in some day. Praying for the return of Christ.

Humans are part of nature. As long as the one thing I try to live by, the "golden rule", is not broken, to me it's ok. And religious arguments against it hold absolutely no water with me since I'm agnostic. Not saying that's what you were getting at, it's just one of the arguments against things I think are ok.
Yes, things would have to change. Fertility would have to be strictly monitored. Adoptions would be more common, at least initially. Since the population would have to stay pretty even, people couldn't just have kids whenever they wanted. People would have to keep working. I imagine that you wouldn't be able to retire, but some alternative like a sabbatical would be more common.
All this assumes people would no longer die from disease or aging.

I think there is a progression of life. At 20 we think we're going to live forever. At 40 we hope we can live forever. At 80 we hope we don't live forever.

I don't know. The idea of biological immortality makes me think of Jurassic Park. Dinosaurs became extinct cause that was what nature intended. I think humans have a certain life span for a reason too. And then theres saving enough for retirement. If we live to be 150 we better all start saving our money real quick.

I am 40 years old and my Dad is 76. He's not in the best health, but I guess not many are at 76. My role so far is minimal, but he is NOT the easiest person to get along with. In fact, I have a blog that is therapeutic for me, as it helps me vent

I'm actually kind of neutral when it comes to getting older. I have some health issues already, but I keep reading about how our knowledge is increasing exponentially. Some scientists have predicted biological immortality by 2040, some later, some never. I'm hoping it will at least happen in my lifetime that they can reverse the aging process. They already have some ideas. If I live til at least 80, I think I could have a chance :)
I know, I know, some people think it's science fiction still, but how many of the modern things we have today did they see 100 years ago? 50? Heck, some things they didn't even see 25 years ago.
So, while I may suffer a bit today, I can always look forward to tomorrow.

Veronica,

Your advice about long term care insurance should be posted on AC as a permanent source of information on this topic in a place that is easy to find.

Great advice, Veronica! I'm 51. Guess I better look into LTC insurance and/or saving the money to pay for a year. Thanks.

Brinox I so agree with you abour insurance comapnies especially long term care and disability.Anyone considering paying for LTC ins should do it well before they rech 60 and before they have any pre existing conditions . then consider the very expensive premiums and add them up over the years before you might need long term care especially N/H and see ifyou could have aved enough to pay for 6-12 months in a N/H that money will get you into the N/h of your choice and if you have to switch to medicare/Medicaid they are not allowed to move you to an inferior facility.
If you are over 65 and getting medicare you should be able to get a policy that will be less expensive for you. we have BlueCorss PPO policies and the premium is $135 amonth each. PCY visits are $10 and specialists are $40. things like an MRI are $125. Co pays on meds are also low as long as you have meds from their tiered formulary. Psychiatric care is as yours very restrictive and co pays are in the specialist levels. hubby can go to Psychiatrist and psychologist every 6 weeks at $40 each. if any of thet helps. We are in Upstae NY so every BCBS is different. another option might be United healthcare through AARP. LAT TIME I LOOKED THEY DID NOT COVER PREEXISTING CONDITIONS FOR THE FIRST 6 MONTHS BUT i BELIEVE THEY ARE NO LONGER ALLOWED TO USE THAT RESTRICTION. sO BEFORE THE NEXT open enrollment in the fall you could check that. also they are nationwide so you are never out of network at higher copays

I really don't think of myself as in my 60's until I look in the mirror. Now that the sun is shining and I'm getting out, I feel 100% better. Of course I dread getting "old" as my great-grandmother, grandmother, and now my mom have dementia. I always wonder "Am I next in line"? Seeing a counselor ever 2 weeks helps, although it is costly. We have good health insurance but the mental health part sucks. I was hoping after the death of Robin Williams, things would change. I pay $25.00 when I go to the GP and $120. to see counselor. Allowed 5 visits a year at the $25. co-pay. I hate insurance companies especially Long Term Care insurance. I finally had to hire a lawyer to get them to give me answers on my mothers policy. I don't have long term care insurance and it is disturbing. I don't want my family to go through their lifelong savings to put me in a home. Maybe I'll move to a euthanasia state when I get 80. I'm sure one of my sibs would love to knock me off. LOL

Some of you have mentioned living with a group who support each other. It's actually a growing trend. It's called cooperative living. There are even websites for senior cooperative living. They can be shared houses or people in apartment, condo or housing complexes that watch out for and help each other. Some are for seniors and some even have multiple generations. It's worth an internet search, if you want to know more.

If living with others doesn't interest you. There are also professional guardianship and care management services. In Washington state, they are licensed by the state. Don't know if they are available in all states, but they should be. They are people who step in to help find you so you can live your life the way you want as you age. They can help pay bills, find in-home caregivers, or manage your estate. This is also a growing trend. A woman, who does this locally, got started after she did this for her mother and realized there was a demand. A new profession for some of us?

Moving up,

i hear you but "just writing a letter to our political representatives" seems like a, pardon me, fart in a wind storm. Are there organizations that could use our letters, signatures, etc. that you could recommend? I mean aside form AARP?

Sincerely and thanks.

NJNK59,

I have been thinking about that,too. Is it possible? legal? How does one do it? Need an elder lawyer?

I mean, what happens if I have, say, three of us in a house and then I die? what happens to the others? to the house?

This may sounds a bit strange, but I have more fears about getting old like my mother did in her early 80's and my dad has done in his late 80's and don't feel afraid of death itself.

I've reached a place of peace about my past and present thanks to about 12 years in therapy which I'm continuing.

I still have my down days, but I don't stay down as long as I used to. I even have days where I just don't sense any focus of direction for my life and wonder why keep even going on, but I don't give up.

I know that I have focused here in writing on the painful parts of my life, but there have also been good parts of my life. At this point, I chose to focus more on the good parts of my life.

Anyone here feel this way about aging vs dying itself?

The only good thing I've taken away from retiring early at 55 to take care of my now 88 year old mom with dementia -- was retiring early! So the earlier suggestion about living life while you can really does fit and ward-off the clock that is ticking ticking ticking in your head and scaring you from wanting to grow old. When I was 5 years old, I remember seeing an old woman ever-so-slowly crossing the street in front of us and mom said "I never want to get old like that". Life made sure her wish was not granted. She will probably live to be 99, has already outlived my dad and all her friends, and until recently enjoyed being alive. With dementia now, at least she's getting to the point where she won't remember how old she is, so it won't matter to her anymore. And the same will go for you, if you do some things to change your focus. You can grow old and be happy. I've gotten to know some very, very well-adjusted happy seniors while taking care of my mom. They are out there -- and you can end-up being one of them!

No need to apologize magnum. Its all good!!

Well, I am sorry that I didn't private message Gershun what I posted here in reply to the question. I guess we have to keep in mind that we have people here from all over the world. Sorry.

I totally agree with you pamstegman. I probably should of not even responded. I won't next time. My bad!!

WAIT a MINUTE folks, the question is about being OLD. If the thread has gone to color and creed, it's time to erase the whole thing.

Fair enough magnum. Maybe here in Canada things are different. I know my Mom's nursing home is predominantly white. Having said that, most of the residents there are not in their right mind and probably don't notice whether there is a muslim person changing their catheter.

Some of the church owned NH in my area that many people from those denominations don't go to them because they can't afford them.