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My mom had a stroke 3-1/2 years ago. At the time, I had just been medically retired from a job, and that made it convenient while she got a grasp on her new life. She is where she’s going to be now physically, and mentally, as close to her old self as I could ever ask for (good and bad! LOL). She lives in assisted living and is happy there. She gets lonely still, but the routine is key for her. I’m there 2-3 times a week to exercise her and take her to appointments, and a friend of mine does the same.


My husband has been on furlough, so I interested him in also, for me and in between for both of them. She enjoys someone different.


Now that husband is going back to work, I realize I have had a jealousy and anger because he still has a work family. I am able to get at least a part time job, just not on my feet all day.


I mentioned it to mom, and of course she worries (probably about my visits mostly), partly because I understand her better than anyone (her speech was affected).


The guilt never seems to end, but I feel if I don’t start doing for myself, the resentment will be far worse than any guilt, especially after she’s gone, and I could have been working.


There is no way I can push her appointments and therapy I do to anyone else, so there’s no way that I would neglect her, but I feel I will explode if I don’t get some sort of life back and contribute to my and my husband’s income (and my MENTAL HEALTH).


Is this all a common circle only children go through, or am I missing something?

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You have said it all, contribute to your mental health.

If getting a part time job feels that important to you, then it is important.

Your mom will adjust and maybe even be motivated to find some friends of her own, right now she doesn't have to, your friends and family are filling the gap. No criticism meant, it was a season when she needed everything you all gave her. The seasons have changed and so will activities.

I hope you find something that you really enjoy doing and that you can come to terms with the fact that you have nothing to feel guilty about with your mom, u r doing nothing wrong.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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jjmummert Jan 29, 2019
Totally agree with this.

Create the life you want to live and move forward. Your mom is in a safe place and you will both benefit. She knows you love her.
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My friends have advised me to do this. I lost my job a couple years back and since my dad was then suffering from ALZ I used the time to help take care of him, and since I am fortunately for me, financially established, I ddidnt really need to get a job.

The problem is this makes me too available for my demanding mom. Anyway, enough about me. My point is I think it would be good for you to get some kind of part time job to have a social diversion, not be totally available for your mom, and I don't know what your financial situation is but most people could always use a bit of extra money, even if for mad money for vacations, etc. (and I think in your position it would be good to get away on vacation now and then)
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Reply to Karsten
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Guilt is common - do what you need to for yourself and your mental health!!
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Reply to Kimber166
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I believe it would be good for you to go back to work part-time. Keep one's mind busy is in important to stay mentally heathy and it is my belief it helps slow down the aging process.

Do what is best for you!
Good luck!
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Reply to Shell38314
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You say you are visiting 2 or 3 days a week, that leaves 4 or 5 days you could be doing something else without it affecting your mother. My sister - past retirement age - loves having a part time job and plans to work until they kick her to the curb.
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Reply to cwillie
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No it is not selfish to want a job at any age. Why would you feel guilt? You are already doing enough for your mother.

I could not imagine either of my parents trying to dictate through words or guilt tripping my decisions in life. They tried it when I was much younger and I walked away for years.
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Reply to Tothill
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I had to go back to work (at 65) to help pay bills. I am only suited to work with children as I have no computer or organizational skills and working in retail would not be a good fit for me because like you, I cannot be on my feet for long periods. I was hired at the first daycare I applied at, but after 8 weeks, it was a mutual decision that this was not the place for me. I was.lucky enough to find another job immediately.

I have to caution you that this is not easy. I am sole caregiver to my bedridden husband and he still needs to be tended to after I get home. I work from 8AM to 1PM and all my housekeeping, caregiving and other duties are waiting for me when I get home. I like this job and the people I work with, but honestly, I’d rather be home.

When and if you job hunt, make sure you are very particular and a good fit for the company. Find out if Mom would benefit from a part time caregiver. A retired nurse might be a good fit for her. The nurse could help her keep up with her speech and physical therapies.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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A part time/flexible job might be the perfect solution for you to feel like YOU again and get some time away from everything going on at home. There are so many great flexible jobs out there right now that I would recommend looking at. Personally I drive for Bite Squad picking up to go meals from restaurants and delivering to people's businesses and homes. It pays $15/hour plus tips and is a FUN job. It's also flexible so I can pick up hours when I have a few extra minutes here and there. I have a friend that works for the shipped app, she does personal shopping at Grocery stores and deliveries to peoples home. She logs onto the app when she is available and they send her a store and an address to deliver when she is out of time she logs off, no set schedule. That might work well for you so that you can still take care of, visit and take your Mom to appointments yet get out and work a few hours in between. I would definitely recommend you find a FUN stress free job and enjoy yourself a bit.
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Reply to RaesAuntieP
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Sounds like you might not be missing the job so much as the company of adults your own age group. I would suggest you consider volunteer opportunities before a part time job because you would have more control of your schedule. It's no fun to have a work commitment at your part time job prevent you from traveling with your husband when he has time off or a nice business trip you would enjoy too. One of my mother's friends was very active with the Red Cross blood drives for several years. During days without blood drives, there was organization work setting up blood drives and usually some group lunches among the organizers. There may be active social clubs in your area too that support something you care about - veterans, food banks, women's shelters, etc. Or a youth sports group that needs a good administrator/organizer. There's no reason you cannot manage your time to include a part time job and supporting your mother in AL. It may add a little stress to your life but will probably only switch around the types of stresses you're handling. Go for it!
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Reply to TNtechie
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Dianed58 Jan 29, 2019
This is an excellent idea! As it will provide some flexibility
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Yes, most certainly DO apply for a part-time job! You need your own work life and, in essence, identity. You seem like you've lost yourself; gain it back by working and you'll feel better as a result.
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