Hubby had a fall (no broken bones thank God) which revealed pneumonia and an internal bleed (due to fall) and a high PSA which we have to follow up on. This resulted in a 4 week hospital stay and he has now gone to SNF for a short rehab stint.
I love my husband dearly. I’ve worked very hard to take care of him these past few years. Trying to meet his needs as well as his DD daughter and just can’t do it anymore. I’m exhausted, suffer from debilitating depression and anxiety (well before my husband became dependent on me) and struggle to even function at home anymore.
Caregiving has consumed every part of my life and I can’t manage. I want to live with my husband, sleep in the same bed, sit on the same couch; all things we haven’t been able to do for a number of years. I just don’t see things changing for the better.
I’m so tired. I feel like I have no choices. I tell him I want to visit my daughter while he is in rehab and is cared for and he tells me he is my husband my place is here. Nevermind that I haven’t seen my daughter and grandchild in a few years.
There is a large age difference between us and I knew at some point I would become a caregiver it just happened straight away, that’s nothing either of us planned on.
I love my husband I’m just tired of me being the one doing all the sacrificing. He was never open to assisted living because of the cost (and I needed it badly) but we never miss a student loan payment for his enabled adult (34 yr old) child.
It’s horrible to say but I know he loves me but I also feel used at the same time. Any talk about the exploitive daughter being responsible for what she owes brings about a horrible argument where he anihilates me (mind you we have 12 children between us but none together, all of his are 30 plus but I still have 1 in high school).
I can’t help but feel I’ve given all I can give and more. No one else steps up to help and I can’t juggle everything anymore.
I married him because I love him and I enjoyed his company. The reality is in 5 years he’s aged me 10-15 years and when it comes down to it I’m tired of feeling like I’m last on the totem pole but the only person doing all the work and wearing all the hats.
I don’t want him to have to go to skilled nursing for good but I feel like I won’t make it if he doesn’t and he feels like people just go to nursing homes to die. It’s just sad. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be.
I’ve learned through the years that you watch people’s actions and that speaks to who they are. His mouth says a lot of things about wanting to make sure I’m okay when he is gone, which I appreciate he is thinking of me but he hasn’t taken care of me while I’m right here, now. I’m not talking about buying gifts or a home or anything like that I’m just talking about his unwillingness to move to assisted living because being his caregiver was too much for me and has been to much for me for a long time. To me Love has hands and feet and puts in the work and I have.
I guess I just want to know that being a devoted wife has been and is enough and that it’s okay to take care of myself. He doesn’t seem to get that me taking care of myself is not neglecting him. I don’t want him to have to live out the rest of his life in a nursing home but I don’t see an alternative. If I bring him home it’s just going to be more of the same thing, me struggling to take care of him in an environment that’s not conducive to his needs.