Hubby had a fall (no broken bones thank God) which revealed pneumonia and an internal bleed (due to fall) and a high PSA which we have to follow up on. This resulted in a 4 week hospital stay and he has now gone to SNF for a short rehab stint.

I love my husband dearly. I’ve worked very hard to take care of him these past few years. Trying to meet his needs as well as his DD daughter and just can’t do it anymore. I’m exhausted, suffer from debilitating depression and anxiety (well before my husband became dependent on me) and struggle to even function at home anymore.

Caregiving has consumed every part of my life and I can’t manage. I want to live with my husband, sleep in the same bed, sit on the same couch; all things we haven’t been able to do for a number of years. I just don’t see things changing for the better.

I’m so tired. I feel like I have no choices. I tell him I want to visit my daughter while he is in rehab and is cared for and he tells me he is my husband my place is here. Nevermind that I haven’t seen my daughter and grandchild in a few years.

There is a large age difference between us and I knew at some point I would become a caregiver it just happened straight away, that’s nothing either of us planned on.

I love my husband I’m just tired of me being the one doing all the sacrificing. He was never open to assisted living because of the cost (and I needed it badly) but we never miss a student loan payment for his enabled adult (34 yr old) child.

It’s horrible to say but I know he loves me but I also feel used at the same time. Any talk about the exploitive daughter being responsible for what she owes brings about a horrible argument where he anihilates me (mind you we have 12 children between us but none together, all of his are 30 plus but I still have 1 in high school).

I can’t help but feel I’ve given all I can give and more. No one else steps up to help and I can’t juggle everything anymore.

I married him because I love him and I enjoyed his company. The reality is in 5 years he’s aged me 10-15 years and when it comes down to it I’m tired of feeling like I’m last on the totem pole but the only person doing all the work and wearing all the hats.

I don’t want him to have to go to skilled nursing for good but I feel like I won’t make it if he doesn’t and he feels like people just go to nursing homes to die. It’s just sad. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

I’ve learned through the years that you watch people’s actions and that speaks to who they are. His mouth says a lot of things about wanting to make sure I’m okay when he is gone, which I appreciate he is thinking of me but he hasn’t taken care of me while I’m right here, now. I’m not talking about buying gifts or a home or anything like that I’m just talking about his unwillingness to move to assisted living because being his caregiver was too much for me and has been to much for me for a long time. To me Love has hands and feet and puts in the work and I have.

I guess I just want to know that being a devoted wife has been and is enough and that it’s okay to take care of myself. He doesn’t seem to get that me taking care of myself is not neglecting him. I don’t want him to have to live out the rest of his life in a nursing home but I don’t see an alternative. If I bring him home it’s just going to be more of the same thing, me struggling to take care of him in an environment that’s not conducive to his needs.

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Go see your family.

He is being selfish, manipulative and unfair. Is he narsisitic as well?

His actions speak loud, are you sure you are going to be cared for after his passing? That he uses that against you having any respite throws a red flag for me.

That he is paying for his adult children to the detriment of you throws more red flags.

I am not trying to cause more problems for you, I think that actions speak louder than words and his actions would have me looking at wills, trusts, asset allocation, beneficiaries, etc. To ensure that I wasn't being used, cuz quite frankly, what are you going to do when he's dead and you find out.

I would tell him that if you don't get a break he won't be coming home or you won't be there if he does. A real man cares how his wife is doing right now.

Tell him I said stop being a self centered selfish ass and let your wife have a break.
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Riverdale Jan 19, 2019
That was a good and helpful reply. This situation was very heart wrenching.
Go visit your daughter and grand! You need to care for you or you will not be around to care for him. Heck I wouldn't anyway if in your shoes. You deserve a break. He is well cared for while in rehab. This is the time. Do not let him manipulate you this way.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to gladimhere

I'm afraid my first thought on reading your post was about what your husband's will says, as well.

Find out now, not later.

I think you should visit whomever you want to visit, unless you agree with your husband that he's the boss and you're an employee.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to SnoopyLove
rovana Jan 21, 2019
You are so right about checking that will. One of the first things I thought of. He may well have left everything to his adult kids.  As my grandma used to say "Fine words butter no parsnips."
Is it still too late to move into AL? Or hire caregivers to relieve you? Something
has to give and in your case unless things change ALOT it's going to be your health.

You sound caring and easy going. Sometimes these very wonderful characteristics
lead to getting taken advantage of. You have to advocate for yourself. And I'd
concur with Isthisreallyreal. Check out those legal documents. And still paying for his 30+ adult kids. Not right.

Think of it this way, by doing everything and not getting help, you're saving money
That money is essentially enabling his adult children not to grow up and take
financial responsibility and it's ruining your health. Every dollar going into their
pockets could be spent on a good AL or at home caregiver. You've got to stop
trying to do everything . before you suffer lasting permanent damage.

I dealt with a selfish family, husband, special needs kids and a narcissistic father
going through endless health crisis. Now I go to the doctor more than he does.
Beware of trying to do the work of three people under stressful circumstances.
It never, and I do mean never, ends well.

Good luck retiring from your unpaid full time job with unpaid overtime and unpaid appreciation and reciprocation. Time to focus more on your own health and needs, because something tells me there is no one that will support you but you right now. Again best of luck!! (((((hugs!!)))))
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to bettina

You have no info on ur profile about how old husband and you are.

My Dad was like this. Felt Moms job was him. She stood up to him and wouldn't give up her duties of Church. Don't ask him if you can go tell him you r going. Tell him her will be well cared for. You love him, but you need a break for you. Then go.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to JoAnn29
EmmaSue Jan 20, 2019
Thank you JoAnn I didn’t know that I could add that info without adding birthdates in the specific column. I’ve updated my info. Thank you for your feedback.
Go visit your daughter and grandchild.
Do it!
Don't look back.
Go do it.
You may not get another chance for a long time.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to XenaJada

Sounds like you already know the answer. Please, go visit your daughter. I'm not trying to sound mean, but seriously, he has NO right to tell you that you can't go visit her. Yes, yes you can and I hope you do! Or take the money you're paying toward his adult children and pay for a trip for your daughter to come visit you. Sounds perfectly fair to me. And maybe he doesn't understand why you are unable to care for him like that anymore. It would be smoother if he did, but if not, then proceed forth anyway. Impossible to keep everybody happy anyway. And I understand you love him, but like the saying goes, love isn't enough. Especially in situations like this. Good luck to you!
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to lynnm12
rovana Jan 21, 2019
Mutuality is the key to marriage. Love must flow both ways. Your husband is being cared for and I think he should be urging you to take the chance to visit your daughter.
Wow, such a tough situation. You deserve to go see your daughter and grandchild. Just do it. He can't stop you and frankly should be glad that you will get to see them.

I like the idea of, if you bring him home, hire someone to help YOU. Someone to cook, clean, laundry, errands, etc. Then, you'll have time for him without having to do all the household chores as well. I think that could be helpful.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to againx100

Hi! Caregiving is a hard job! When you are depressed it is even harder!
I would recommend you first see your doctor and deal with the debilitating depression and anxiety. You must, as they say, "put your oxygen mask on before you put anyone else's on." You have to get support for your depression and anxiety. There is no shame is getting on some medication and seeking emotional support either in the form of a caregiver support group or a counselor. I have had to own up to the same facts myself.

Next, you need to realize the only person that will put you first is you. If you count on him to tell you to do that the day may never come. Caring for him is important to you and you choose to do that but seeing your daughter and grand daughter is too. You must carve out space for all of it in your life but may need a support system to help you through making some firm decisions.

Take care of you first and you can figure the rest out as it comes.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Mort1221
dawn1947 Jan 21, 2019
OP you mention that there is a significant age gap between you and your OH. A lot of narcissistic men get younger partners for their second or third relationship so that they will have somebody to look after them. You are being held hostage as an unpaid servant. This is the sort of situation trafficked women find themselves in.

Go and visit your grandchild. Stay a few days. Let his daughter look after him.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Elle1970

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