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I am a widow who after care giving my husband for 5 years while undergoing chemo, began care giving for my mother who has dementia. I had to pack up my home, bring it up to par i.e. painting plastering etc , etc., to lease it out. I moved in with mother as she will not budge from her home. I have been constantly attacked by sister and niece, who even filed a complaint with Adult Protective Service, against me, was unsubstantiated.


I have been living with her one year, previously I had been traveling back and forth from my home 120 miles away. Sister calls and tells her to watch out for me I will hurt her, I will rob her etc. etc. In the meantime in 1 1/2 years she has spent exactly 3 1/2 hours with mother, sister lives in Hawaii, we live in New Mexico. In 3 years she has seen her 10 days. After the calls mother is angry, confused and starts accusing me of anything. I have no respite, no social life as I do not know people here, I am here 24/7.


I have High blood pressure, Diabetes, and have been a walking time bomb with blood pressure sky rocketing every day. started tests, ct scan, biopsy as I wake up vomiting every morning I am in pain, I am a mess. My mind is ready to explode.


I can't care for mother any longer or I will surely have a stroke or heart attack, there will be no one here to care for her or my cats and it will be a disaster. Mother's house was deeded to me by mother, for taking care of her. I now need to take a mortgage as I have used all my savings, unable to work taking care of her, and I know the sister is going to raise hell. I have durable POA. Deed is recorded. I also need to put mom in a safe situation. Is it possible for her to create more trouble?

This may be a response that may make some people unhappy. But, after losing so much taking care of my Mom? I think about my daughter. She's 30. I would NEVER, EVER want her to do what I've done. Throw my, you know what, in a safe place. Come and see me when you can. And only if I'm acting right. If no, leave it alone. I would never want her to give herself up for me. It's just not the way things are meant to go. Get some help. It's out there. And that sister? Sleep well, sister. It'll all come full circle. Darn, karma. It's out there. I wish you well. I get the health problems, etc. Hope you find a way to take care of yourself.
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CherylMD Jan 27, 2019
I feel exactly the same. Since going through this with my mom and my 18 year old son seeing it first hand...he feels so bad for me. He is the only one in my family who understands because he lives it with me. If this ever happens to me, I already gave him permission to put me somewhere and don’t feel bad about it because this is not the life I’d ever want for him..EVER!
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If she doesn't want to go, get yourself all prepared to head out, call nasty family members tell them you have an emergency and they need to come help mom. Head out and never look back.

Let them figure it out.

Take care of you and get back to the beauty and peace of the country.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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that number is moms, so if I block it they will say I am keeping her from the family, nasty people. going to move home, if she will not go with me I am not sure yet, but I know I will die here in the city in this situation. home to the country where I can tend to my own health and work.
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Thank you, you also stay strong!!! It is a difficult situation to be in, and it doesn't matter any longer how much i care about mother, I am literally going to die if I stay here taking care of her. If she would at least co operate and go to my home with me, things would be a lot easier. Tried telling her she needed to go home with me to take care of me, some responsibility, no way. Fortunately I leased out my home so I have a place to go to, in the country, surrounded by open space, I am now in the city, I am not a city person, and the garden and pond, the mountains and sunsets, just so much healthier. yeah she can, where did you get that finger from? haha
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CherylMD Jan 27, 2019
Thank you. Your home in the country sounds beautiful and just what the doctor ordered. I literally got a visual from your description of your place and for a few seconds it took me there👍🏼.
I know how hard it is for you but don’t let it compromise your health. I refuse to let it. Everyone deals with things differently...but if you can’t get help ASAP...you have to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself if you really feel that you’re going to die or suffer a serious life altering condition.
Doctors estimate my mom to live only 6 months. Although it’s so sad, if my mom knew how bad her dementia was, she wouldn’t want to continue living. So in a way, having terminal cancer is sort of a blessing for her and I do see that my situation isn’t forever. 8 years of caregiving with the last year and half just hell, I know I can’t last much longer. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years this past year.
Tell her sister you’re leaving and then do it while 🖕🏼when you walk out! Lol. Just kidding! The “finger” is an emoji on my phone. One of my favorite emojis😝.
Hope you’re able to get back to your happy place soon. Hang tough. Don’t let this defeat you! You’ve come way too far!😉
Take care!
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Dear Burnout,
OMG! While reading your post, it was like me talking. Our situations are almost identical. I too lost my husband in 2017. I’ve been taking care of my mom since my dad passed almost 8 years ago. The past year and a half I’ve had to care for her 24/7 and had to move in with her because like your mom, she will only stay at her house. My mom has dementia and stage 4 terminal cancer and she can’t be left alone for a minute. I am unable to work same as you and my savings account is dwindling just like you. I’m having to spend the money I made from selling my house live. I also have a son who is grieving the loss of his father and we’re struggling to pick up the pieces and haven’t had time to grieve my husband’s loss. My poor son has anxiety/panic attacks and I feel so helpless that I can’t help him or give him the attention he desperately needs. I can’t even go grocery shopping...and I hate grocery shopping with a passion...but that’s my only “alone” time but last two times I had to leave the grocery store with cart full because my son calls and says my mom’s freaking out and can’t breathe. I get home and she’s fine..a miraculous recovery! My brothers are zero help but one puts his two cents in and tries to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do when it comes to my mom. One lives 5 minutes away and the other 10 minutes away with no children and zero responsibility. They think because I’m not working I can do everything. I’m seriously losing it! I don’t have a life. Don’t get me wrong...I love my mom but if she wanted to she could assist me in caring for her a little. I could go on and on...I hate the fact that I’m sitting her ranting and getting worked up while I should be trying to rest my eyes from sleep deprivation and not even think about how much my life sucks! I seriously don’t know how I’m still functioning.
I TOTALLY get what you’re going through and nobody fully understands unless they’ve done what we’ve been doing.
Does your mom have money? Are you able to hire someone to a few days a week for several hours each time? I get it though...two hours is basically nothing. You need two months to unwind. I don’t know what I’m going to do either. Something has to change or I won’t be healthy enough to take care of anyone either. Sorry I don’t have any answers for you and I apologize that I complained about my own problems. Please know that I sympathize with you and I know exactly what you’re dealing with and going through. Your mom is lucky that she has you taking care of her all this time. You’re a good daughter. I hope someone steps up ASAP and takes a load off for you. Stay strong and don’t let this ruin your health and your sanity. As for the sister...tell her to 🖕🏼.
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Maybe time to put Mom in LTC on Medicaid if she has no assets. The problem you will have is Mom turning house over to you during Medicaid look back. You may have to give it back to her.

I would also tell sister, if she thinks she can do a better job, come homecand do it.
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Hugs!

Take care of you first. Please do not let this make you a caregiver statistic.

I would block the trouble makers phone number, get a new number or something to stop her from causing you grief. You do what you need to do and she can like it or lump it.
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