I'm at a loss as what to do now, I'm broken. My mom has been here since February 2018, she has MS for 39 years. We were never close, I moved out when I was 17 when I needed help she refused, my dad was my savior, he passed away 6 yrs ago. I still have my step mom who is almost 90, she is a former RN, and and doesn't have dementia, still very aware, I truly love my step mom.

Now for my birth mom, she lives in another state, but I had her tranferred here as I'm her POA and thought she would get better care here in Seattle. She has gone through her medicare rehab, and I was told that an assisted living would be perfect for her. AL nurse came and did an assessment and they accepted her, she is private pay now and fortunately has funds to pay, still has her house too. Well the AL didn't work. She is unable to bear weight so needed a hoyer lift etc, after a month and a half, I moved her to an Adult Family Home.

Looking for the right place was challenging, 13 to 14 places I looked, found one I thought would be good, of course they're all good for the first week then goes downhill from there. They are very good at redirecting your complaints, say they will do better, and they do, sort of. The staff there is and most everywhere are from other countries, my mom is white and from Montana, she is set in her ways and will never change. She is very smart, aware, she throughout the years has chased away all relatives, my brother her son, friends, my husband, my daughter, her mother my grandmother, she passed at 92 but lived in her home until the last 3 months she put herself in a NH.

My mother is just an awful person, she threatens to sue every facilities she's been in, so having the right caregivers who will endure the racist remarks and give good care is impossible. The other residents don't want to be around her either, even the visiting doctor is reserved, but intriguing that she requested PT/OT, she is still bed bound it's been 6 months, December is when she fell and landed in rehab. She has zero respect for nurses, doctors, therapy, and aids are the lowest of the low to her. She says I'm not on her side, and I'm just as stupid as they are.

I have to get her out of the AFH, one aid who has worked there for 13 yrs quit because of mom, it's a do onto others as you onto you situation, they don't like her. (why would they?) She has said twice now that she wants me off the POA, not a good idea as she cannot or refuses to keep track of her bills, I'm at the point of just giving up. I surrender. She doesn't want to sell her house, she has a boyfriend who says he loves her, but he has to be paid. Honestly I'd pay him, with her money, he'd be cheaper than 7 grand a month the AFH charges, and is willing to come get her take her home. I'm done I cannot endure this any longer, my husband is suffering from my lack of attention, I'm suffering, my daughter graduated HS, last year and surprise...she was accepted to a college in Switzerland and has been living there going to school for a year now, she is doing very well there, and could not be more proud of her. I should be enjoying life, but it's been a nightmare, I work full time too. Will not quit my job. I think it's time to send her back. Opinions would be greatly appreciated, I'm at a loss.

Also I wanted to add that my mom doesn't trust me, she says I'm on their side, but I'm doing the best that I can, I'm nothing like my mother, besides giving up, I love her she's my mom, and this is tearing me apart, but I keep trying and failing.

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Nothing will ever please her. She is an angry, hateful person.

Let her remove you as POA, encourage boyfriend to take her home and let her live the consequences of her choices.

Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be their doormat. I understand wanting acceptance and love from your mom, but she doesn't have it to give you. Accept that and go take care of your awesome family.

Hugs to you!
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I agree about having her evaluated. If she's deemed competent, then, I'd let her make her own decisions and try to steer clear of her if she's bringing you grief. If she's not competent, then, I'd try to rise above her antics and get her placed somewhere that can handle her properly, assuming you have legal authority.
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It sounds to me like your mother just hasn’t been in the right type of facility. And it doesn’t sound like she’s gotten the right kind of medical help either. She needs a psychiatric evaluation and a possible adjustment in meds. She also should be evaluated for dementia.

There is no reason why you should have to tolerate her toxicity. I believe she needs to be in a skilled nursing facility where she can have her medical needs attended to, but if her BF knows what he’s getting into, ship her back to him. Draw up a Caregiver Agreement, have it looked over by an attorney and have BF sign it. Then, get on with your life.
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